Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Week 3 down, my dear readers. Before I get into the games, I just wanted to talk, briefly about the brilliant NFL doc, Bill Belichick: A Football Life. It was something to see, the most ridiculed and reclusive head coach in the NFL actually act human. Not only that, we got to take a peak at his relationship with Brady, his coaching staff and his son, Stephen. We even get to see him shit talk up with Derrick Mason, telling the Ravens veteran to go fornicate himself in so many words. If you love the NFL, you will love this doc and you will see what is essentially the Darth Vader of the league take off his helmet for two hours and reflect on the reputation he has made for himself in his almost 40 years of coaching in the NFL.
Mike Vick continues to be the cry baby of the league after complaining that the refs didn't protect him in the Eagles loss to the Giants yesterday. He sustained a hand injury and he broke his vagina. Listen, Vick. You're only three years back since yer stint in the pen--maybe you shouldn't be falling into old habits. Next week, he'll get busted by putting his truth in a water bottle and the downward spiral will start again. The guy is hard. There's nothing he can do to save himself from himself. All we can do is watch. And wait...
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Still my sleeper to get into the playoff picture and I think they will have a better record than the Falcons. Yeah, I said it. The Falcons might be in early season panic mode. They don't even look like a playoff team now, the Lions have their spot, tentatively.
- Detroit Lions. Comeback kids. The Vikings looked good against them until they depended on McNabb to pull out a squeaker, something he absolutely sucks at (see: Super Bowl XXIX). Like the Bills, the Lions look like a team of destiny. But, we'll put away the anointing oil until at least Thanksgiving when they play the Pack for the first time this season. Finally, a Lions-Thanksgiving game to look forward to.
- Brady. Looked mortal in a loss to the Bills (their first win against the Pats in 15 games--ouch). His numbers were decent, but 4 INTs gives the game away. And what about Ochocinco? Fantasy players are dropping him, no doubt, after he dropped a TD pass. Don't you dare count out these Pats, though. Sure their defense is atrocious and they don't seem to have any ground game worth mentioning. A healthy Brady and a cognizant Belichick is all this team needs to go deep in the postseason. Besides, name me one team that is better than the Pats in the AFC. The Ravens? Maybe. The Steelers? Took it to the wire against the one of the worst in Indianapolis. Bills? Let the season play out. Jets? Paper Tigers. Raiders? Gimme a break, watch Sunday. Brady gonna put on a clinic. Belichick hates losing two in a row.
- Eagles. All hype. Might end up as the least in the East if they keep this up. Vince Young needs to get in there soon (or kill himself...). Kafka is sprouting antennas.
- The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Andy Dalton. 157 yards passing, 2 INTs, no TuDs. I wonder if Mike Brown's index finger is hovering over the send button of a poetic, baby-come-back e-mail to Carson Palmer. Time will tell. Speaking of the Bengals, when does Marvin Lewis' tenure end. He's had more NFL lives than Wile E Coyote reincarnated as a cat.
- Tony Romo. Who cares if you played injured. You are a footnote. An amoebae. A nothing master.
Games I'm looking forward to this week and some picks:
Detroit V. Dallas. I think the Lions are due for a bubble burst. Minnesota almost did it last week, and I think Dallas is capable of doing it this week. I like the Boys to win by a touchdown.
Pittsburgh V. Houston. Houston always comes out the gate strong and the Steelers don't. I like the Texans to win by a game-winning two point conversion. Yeah, you read that right.
Jets V. Ravens. Two ships are passing in the night on the legitness highway. The Ravens are heading towards the promisland, the Jets are heading towards a parking lot fist fight between Rex and Broadway Joe. I wonder if Suzie Colbert has a foot fetish? Ravens by 10 here.
Giants V. Cardinals. Cardinals are quietly good at home and almost always suck on the road. Giants just always suck. I like Kolb having a big day against a strong Giant front four. Cards by 4.
New England V. Oakland. Like I said , Brady will get his revenge on week 2 and Raider Nation will lament another bullshit, Brady-friendly call by a referee. Riots will ensue. Oakland burns ala San Francisco in 1906. The guy in the spiked Raider shoulder pads will be tried for arson.
Hypothetical Question of the Week: Who would win in a gang fight, 10 random members of Raider Nation or 10 Juggalos. Results will be released never because no one reads this and no one cares.
End of Line.
I forgot to write about that bullshit call in the Bears-Packers game during that fake punt return play. That is easily the best play of the year and it might end up the play of the season. A play that was phantom-ref'd. Seriously, what in the suck? Corey Graham was called for holding, tell me if you see him hold anything other than the entire Packer punt team's collective attention as Johnny Knox catches the ball up the sideline and returns the fucker for 6...sike.
The thing that sucks is that the Bears blew this play in an unwinnable game. They should have saved it, but for when. The kicker would have to kick it in the same direction--which, I suppose is an easy call when you have Hester, the best to ever return kicks in the NFL, next to you on the field. Does that mean that squibs will become routine, I'm okay with this because squibs give the Bears great field position after every kick off. This might be an advantage.
Please, Chicago, lose 12 this year. Please usher in the Jeff Fisher era in 2012. Please draft a new line. Please sign Andre Johnson next year. Please win a ring before Urlacher retires.
Holy shit. What a closer. Braves and Red Sox, gone. Rays and Cards, movin' on. Bodacious! I hope the Snakes and Fuckies lose in the first round so the red birds and the brew crew can square up in the NLCS. That is becoming the Midwest Sox-Yanks, Giants-Douchebags.
In the AL, Yanks-Rays in ALCS. Still like the sound of Brewers-Yanks. Yanks win again.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Week 2 in the books...almost. Who gives a shit about the Rams and Giants, neither will go to the playoffs, so covering the Monday Night game is moot. But week 2 looks a lot like week 1 from the offensive perspective. The Patriots continue to WOW. The Lions and Bills could meet in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman is 2-0, compared to Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler's 1-1, placing him at the top of the "Bear Club" in the NFL. And Cam Newton will be the heir apparent to Michael Vick.
Yes, Ron Mexico himself. He's injured yet again. Then Mike Kafka came in and turned into a cockroach, orchestrating a loss that will not go down on Mexico's shoulders, who led the game before his brittle ass left in the 3rd. Let me go on the record, I like dogs and I like Vick. I can like two things independently of each other, even though to the layman, it appears that is contradictory. It's an evolved thought, deal with it.
ANYWHO, it was karma in action. The team that Vick left in his dog-fighting maylay wanted revenge in his first game back in Atlanta. He wasn't supposed to win this game. God even willed it in the third. I love dogs. I hate pit bulls.
And boy do the Patriots play flawlessly. The San Diego SuperChargers went back to skool in Foxboro today. On a side note--Ben Roethlisberger was victim to the "Tom Brady Rule" in the 2nd half of the Steelers-Seahawks game. He was okay, even came back in the game after fan favorite Charlie Batch came into the game (LOL--just kidding--everyone hates Charlie Batch). On another side note, the "Tuck Rule" could also be construed as the "Tom Brady Rule"--but Big Ben has never been one to tuck it away. See: Ben's penchant to rape.
Enough. Bullet Thoughts now.
- Cam Newton. Still too legit to quit. Only Brady has more yards this year. The kid is here to stay. Watch out naysayers-who-say-nay to Heisman men just because it's sexy to do so.
- Brady. Still killing it. Pats/Pack in the SB? More probable after today. Wouldn't be the first time that Brady and Co. usurped the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. The first time Brady did it, he beat the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. It all happens in cycles, ladies and jellyspoons.
- Indianapolis Colts. It's like watching Steve Buscemi's limbs being put into a wood chipper, week in, week out. Who will succeed Jim Caldwell after he is fired in week 12? Bill Cowher? Gettin' too cushy in his analyst job with a flock of assholes on CBS. Jeff Fisher?No. He'll be the 2012 Chicago Bears chief. Gruden? Imagine the touchdown babies he would make with Peyton and Andrew Luck?
- Bills/Raiders. Best game of a young 2011. That guy they call the Amish Rifle is legit. The Bills could beat the Pats this year. That Jackson guy is good too. My future brother-in-law says that all people that live in Buffalo are good for is digging. He might be right, the Bills dug a mass grave and threw Raider bones in it. Speaking of the Raiders, I tweeted a couple of weeks ago, the following: "With all the remakes these days, I would love to see Raiders of the Lost Ark remade. But instead of Nazis, the bad guys are the Oakland Raiders."
- The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Luke McCown, the worst quarterback in the NFL. 59 yards passing/4 INTs. Why did Jax get rid of Gerrard? They might be the worst team in the NFL. That coach that looks like Al Gore who's name I forget at the moment is gonna be the defensive coordinator of the Chiefs next season. Luke McCown is all adam's apple.
- Tony Romo. Nobody loves you. They just pretend.
So it goes, dudes and hoes. Pimpin' is a lot easier than previously thought and the NFL is continuing to bang and pop like Chinese firecrackers in a ghetto garbage can. I expect week 3 to be more of the same. But who will be standing after the smoke clears, it ain't even Fall yet, we have a long way to go until Brady lifts that Lombard over his cherubic head in Raymond James just before he and Jizzele book their flight for a Bora Bora Valentines getaway where Tommy will yell at her for not ordering her Starbucks fast enough. Only if chicks listened to you like a Tight End, eh Tom?
That only made sense to me.
End of Line.
9/22 Addendum: Deon Grant went down in that MNF game, I missed it. I apologize, but here is my official take. It is clear after watching the replay a half dozen times that Jacquian Williams takes a Vlade Divac-esque dive, and falls on Grant's feet and Grant stays on the ground. Sam Bradford has gone on record and said that he heard someone shout "go down" on the defensive side to slow down the no-huddle. Grant and the rest of the Giants organization vehemently deny this strange occurrence as a fake. But I don't buy it. If the Giants are going to do this kinda shit, at least respect the modern age of rewind and multiple angles by adding this to the weekly practice regiment. Maybe put Ric Flair and Bam Bam Bigalow on the payroll as special advisers, and they can teach these fools on the art of selling contact that looks and feels realistic. These guys break it down better than I can:
Monday, September 12, 2011
Another NFL kickoff is in the books and we learned a lot about this young season. But what we haven't learned yet is who is in the elite class--something we never know until after Halloween. This year is no different. What we do know is that there were a lot of quarterbacks in the leader boards that have no bussiness being there: Matt Stafford (118.9), Ryan Fitzpatrick (133.0, league leading), Rex-fucking-Grossman had a 110.5 pass rating and threw 0 interceptions. Rex Grossman, the star of one of the funniest demotivational posters I have ever laid eyes on:
Anyhow, I think the biggest thing we learned in this young season, on the heels of the potentially widow-making of the lockout, OFFENSE was huge. 752 total points combined of offense in week uno. I tried to find the leading stat, but I suck at finding such shit, so I'll go out on a limb and say that this opening day blew the the crepe paper open on the existing record and 2011 is going to go down as the season that the NFL finally matches Arena football in tuds...maybe.
I think this happened as a direct result of the lockout. There are so many new faces in offenses across the league Films don't exist on a lot of offences, because there are too many new looks. Plus, the players are fresh off a full spring and half summer off. Sure there were player practices, but playing scrimmage games against Ohio State doesn't match the practice facilities and resources these teams have at their disposal--their quintessential huggy-bookie. I think this fine, funky, fresh angle coupled with a lot of defensive question marks, plus the energy blast all the players got from 9/11 memorials was the reason this kickoff will be the one to compare all future kickoffs to.
Here are some things that stood out:
- Injuries. Not as many injuries as the EXPERTS expected. Sure Beason is out for the year in Carolina. Stephen Jackson (injury prone much?) and Sam "Second-Coming" Bradford both left the game which allowed the dog rapist to run all over the Rams. A few bumps and bruises I say--but no huge marque guys went out. No Urlacher. No Brady. Sure you could say, "What about Manning?" Manning could have played week 1 in he had the surgery in February like a normal human--I'm talking Week 1 participants, not non-participating thong-waists.
- Lights. Cam. Action. Cam Newton looked too-legit-to-quit in his NFL debut. 422 yards and 2 tuds. Carolina might be a sleeper, making the best division in the NFL even better and so much more interesting. Looking forward to all those division games, especially when Cam takes on Josh Freeman. These dudes have the potential of being the Brady-Manning of 2021.
- Brady. Lights out against a pathetic Phins D. 517 yards and only 14 of those to Ochocinco? They have 18 more games to hook up before Brady holds another Lombardi over his crown, so get your popcorn ready. Wes Welker is back, ladies and germs, and that little white midget is gonna be doing a lot of that lightning-bolt, superhuman shit this season.
- Detroit Lions. As Coach Parcells would say, "put away the anointing oil." They played good, but not great. Freeman almost brought the Bucs back at the end--don't go planning your post-season menu yet, Michigan.
- The Rex Grossman Award...Goes to not Rex, surprisingly. I'll give it to McNabb. He sucks. The Vikings suck too.
- Tony Romo. You suck too.
I hope you enjoyed week 1--it was awesome. Week 2 will be even better. Bears/Saints. Skins/Cards. Packers/Panthers. Chargers/Pats. Eagles/Falcons. Rams/Giants. Lots of 1-1 teams is my prediction.
End of Line.
- 9/16 Addendum. My dad told me tonight that Sebastian Janikowski tied the feild goal record. I had tuned out of the NFL after the Patriots game. That's cool. I think he is capable of breaking it some day and he's on the right team, reckless enough to let him try in these days of conservative offensive in today's NFL. I never met the guy but I dated a girl rather seriously that partied with Janikowski his rookie year in Walnut Creek. she said she blew him in the bathroom. I thought this was kinda hot because I was 26 and kinda fucked up in the head. ANYWAYS, apparently he was a notorious drunk that got laid regularly from chicks who went to Stanford, St. Mary's and Cal Berserkly. Those woman will sell your soul to satan for a sanwich. The east girls are hip, I really dig the styles they wear."
You can stop right there David Lee.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
In today's licking of the mirror, I discuss my Tom Brady conspiracy theory, A.J. Hawk's future as a WWE wrestler, the 9/11 memorial, truth, Noel Gallagher, Red State and a bunch of other shit I can't remember.
ipod Download Link:
Forget Rodgers, give Hawk the Belt...
"I probably would have grown a mustache and started wearing a fucking cape."
Musical Guest: Girls
Friday, September 2, 2011
Hi kids! Do you like Primus? (Yeah yeah yeah!) Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-Huh) BoD is back and it's all sports talk with a smattering of Kurt Vonnegut hot talk. Bueller?... Bueller?...Bueller?
ipod Download Link:
See you in Hell, Beltran.