Book of Drewsus

Podcast: Paleolithic Winter

2012-01-23T21:07:00.000-08:00

Old skool podcast for yer ass!! Although I discuss the AFC/NFC championships at the top, I get into dark nerd territory as I discuss the best TV show in the boob tube's history, "The Wire," that SOPA/PIPA bullshit, the strange thing that is Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP, the fantastical novel Ready Player One, and the ambitious album by the band Fishboy called "Creepy Classics" and the awesome band from Wassilla, Alaska--Portugal. The Man. Call me, Ishmael!

"When you walk through the garden you gotta watch your back..."

We Scythians loathe rainbows. #loathsomerainbows #sworcery

"It's the year 2044, and the real world is an ugly place."

If Tarantino made music. Listen here.

Musical Guest: Portugal. The Man.

Week 17 Blogcast: ...At the End.

2012-01-04T17:46:00.000-08:00

Crazy, wack-ass league.

Oakland Cut Out the Cancer in 2011.

Dalton not done.

God Bless, Jeff Fisher. Wherever he ends up.

Flynn Lives.

History Repeats.

*chuckle*

"Show me your boss sex moves."

Week 16 Blog: Life's a Brees

2011-12-28T18:55:00.001-08:00

Drew Brees is the fucking man. On Monday night, as the Saints completely shellacked the Dirty Birds in New Orleans, Brees broke Dan Marino's 27-year-old passing yardage record in dramatic fashion. He only needed 304 yards and he was well over half way there at the half. His second half was a bit more sluggish and it almost looked as if the record would have to wait another game--but as Brees drove the team down the gridiron at the end, he hit Darren Sproles in the endzone to reach 307 yards, thus eclipsing the Mario mark by three yards. It was in classic Brees fashion, as Rich Eisen pointed out on twitter: "Like Jeter getting his 3,000th hit on a home run, @drewbrees breaks Marino's record on a TD pass. The great ones know how to do it."

Brees and the line that made the historic season possible.

I was really glad to see a class act like Drew eclipse the same record he flirted with a couple years back. Now, I'm not the world's biggest Dan Marino fan--he seems to suffer from the same pretense that a lot of quarterbacks of his era do (I'm looking at you Phil Sims, Troy Aikman, Boomer Esiason and John Elway). Maybe it's because we see these guys on various morning shows and in the booth, but they all seem to have an air of superiority to them (Boomer especially, I wish that asscastle would shove his opinions up Dan Dierdorf's fat ass where it belongs).

He didn't.

I know I'm being a tad hard on the greats of the 80's, but I was sick of their attitudes when they played and I'm sick of being exposed to their harsh critisisms of the new elites, who are a better crop, talentwise. Just look at the whole Elway/Tebow controversy that played out this year. Elway was critical not only of Tebow's unorthodox play at the QB position, but he was judging him through the prism of his own experiance. This, I feel, makes Elway an inadequate general manager--it would be like if Bruce Jenner criticized the Kardashian girls for not earning their notoriety.

That analogy was almost as horrible as this face.

With the exception of maybe Philip Rivers and Tom Brady, the modern NFL quarterback seems to be without any pretense at all. And this is a good thing. Pretentiousness in general is always a bad idea. I know that there was a place for it in the last few decades, but in today's day and age, it's a shortcut to sounding like a complete and utter douche-pipe hocking isotoner gloves.

Getting down to the brass tacks this week and heading right into the predictions:

Lions V. Packers. Packers have nothing to play for in this game, Detroit is playing for the 5 seed. Lots of reserves will be in early and often, which should give the big cats the advantage. Don't count out Matt Flynn coming in for Rodgers in the second half, especially if the Packers have the lead--that is, if the defense holds up. The Packers defense is really starting to look like this team's Achilles heel. There is no reason in hell that they should have given up 21 points to the Bears no-name offense on Christmas. On occasion, Josh McCown looked like a decent quarterback and Bell easily had over 100 yards rushing. The Bears offense is so fucked-up right now that Roy Williams is looking like a viable target. This is big problem for Packers, one I feel will be the reason they don't go back to the Super Bowl this year. Lions win, 28-21.

"Don't be hatin' "

Colts V. Jaguars. This is compelling of a couple of different levels. This game will dictate the draft order, which will be one of the biggest "to be, or not to be" moments any team has faced with their franchise quarterback. In the last two weeks, the Colts have shed their "Luck for Luck" moniker and have looked like a subpar-500 team, scratching out wins at the zero hour. I believe that the Colts will win, ending up with the #2 pick overall, thus fucking with the media's preconceived quarterback controversy going into the 2012 season. 21-10

Jets V. Dolphins. The Dolphins are a great spoiler team, The Jets are a great victim and a poser-team to boot. The Dolphins will turn the lights out on the Jets 2011 season in glorious fashion with an old fashioned ass-whoopin', 48-26. And in case you missed it, Brandon Jacobs has the same opinion of Rex that this sports blog does, enjoy!

Bears V. Vikings. The Joe Webb era is officially underway in Minnesota. He's a fan favorite and will no doubt give Christian Ponder some stiff competition when training camp commences in the summer. I hope the Viking blow the Bears out in this one--they deserve to drop this layup after their epic collapse this year. Fuck you, Lovie Smith. Vikings win, 37-0.

Don't Dream, It's Over.

Bills V. Pats. The Pats are the best team in the AFC. But like the Packers, they have to shit out a bunch of touchdowns to stay ahead of the curve. They will have their revenge on the disappointing Bills in their earlier loss, sending a message to the rest of the league that Brady/Belichick are ready to take their talents to the Northern barn in Indianapolis. Pats annihilate the Bills, 85-10.

Panthers V. Saints. After watching Drew Brees and the Saints pluck the feathers out of the Dirty Birds on his path to glory, I learned who is the best team in the league. The Saints can hang offensively with the best of them (Pats/Pack), but they showed the nation that they are not the slouches the aforementioned are on defense. They looked like a wrecking crew against Atlanta--and expect them to continue their adequate play all the way through all the round, during their bid to get back in the Bowl. A hallmark this writer feels they are more than capable of. That being said, Cam will finish his strong year by running up and down against the Saints B players, Panthers win 32-27.

49ers V. Rams. The Niners need the win to get the first round bye, the Rams need to lose to get Andrew Luck--what could be more amicable? That being said, if the Rams do get the 1st pick--I think they trade the pick away to the highest bidder (Sam Bradford is still a work in progress for that franchise). That being said, let the speculation begin to see who this unknown team will be when the Rams are on the clock. Look to be underwhelmed when the shit sorts itself out this Spring. Niners win, 102-0.

For the 1st pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Bill Walton

Ravens V. Bengals. This is a win-and-in situation for the Bengals. I feel they will rise to the occasion because the Ravens suck on the road and the Ravens just plain suck. Andy Daulton and the high flying cats will prevail over this paper raven team, 29-17. I know you've seen it already, but this one will never get old.

Chiefs V. Broncos. Compelling story line here with Kyle Orton returning to Denver à la Douglas MacArthur returning to the Philippines.

"Yer goddamn right I'm back, nigga!"

Denver wins the West with a win over the former Bronco and Romeo Crennel, the propietor of sexy lil' toes that I wanna suck. So, I guess this is the game will prove if God exists.

"Suck me, beautiful!"

Tebow needs to rebound after last week's Caleb Hanie Award-winning performance and it's time for him to have one of those games were he dominates with an early lead and maintains to win by three scores. But...but...I have a bad feeling about this one. When these Midwestern devils covered in Chief-blood hit the iron in the Rockies, you can be sure that Tim will have the playoffs in his eyes, while Kyle has revenge in his. This game is this week's featured Stay Away.

"Pussy."

Chargers V. Raiders. Both these team's can burn in the foulest smelling version of hell imaginable, maybe the devil's personal vomitorium?

"I lost my virginity there."

Cowboys V. Giants. Ah, Tony Romo--I forgot about you when I was pondering the modern player's penchant for pretension. Tony Romo's pretension is undeserved, in my opinion. He's a 7 year Dallas Cowboy QB who hasn't gotten to an NFC championship yet. This is a failure. Maybe America's team will be in the Andrew Luck bidding war that the Rams will undoubtedly hold over team's who desperately need a quarterback like a pit of crocodiles. Dallas loses again. Tony Romo, you suck stains from jockstraps.Giants win the East by beating these pathetic Cowladyboys, 37-23.

End of Line.

Week 15 Blog: Upset Sunday

2011-12-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

Insanity, this league is. Ten games, by my count, were upsets (I include the Patriots here, even though they were favored, cuz you know, God and stuff). Packers lost and the Colts won--that alone is a headline maker--but I think the more intriguing games where the upsets that are giving a glimpse into who teams actually are.

First, Yates and the Toros lost rather-handedly to Cam Newton and the high-flying Panthers. From what I understand, the game wasn't even close. Yates looked mortal and the feared Texan defense played uncharacteristic to their smashmouth style of play. It would make sense if the Texans threw the game after winning their decision in Week 14, but these fuckers can still get a first round bye. If they would have won this game, they would be at 11 wins and tied with the Pats for best record in the AFC. Now, they are in a three-way tie with Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Real teams win the games they are supposed to to put themselves in a position to have home games. Just look how lights-out the Pats and Brady played against the Tebroncos--real playoff-bound teams know when to ratchet it up and teams that have never been there before play like the Texans did against the Panthers last Sunday...

"Cammm," said in the style of Deon Sanders

And then there is the Jets, arguably the most inconsistent team this year (even more than the Cowboys and Giants, a mantle not easily triumphed.) The amazing thing about the Jets is their durability at the Head Coach's mouth position. Rex Ryan should be humbled after what the Eagles did to his pathetic team. But instead, he runs his goddamn mouth again--this time at Tom Coughlin. Rex needs to remember the thread that his team is hanging by and realize that the Red Rifle and the Bengals are nipping at Gotham's heels. I'm so sick of Rex Ryan's tired act--sure, it was novel a couple years ago when he took the Jet job--but his act is thinner than phyllo dough on a Christmas pie. Even Michael Lombardi agrees with me. Do us a favor, you phyllo-doughboy, adhere to your own sexual proclivity and park that foot where it belongs...in your own fat head.

Bullets without bullets:

Lights out. Boy, did an analogy ever play out in the city by the Bay last Monday. Not only did the power go out at Candlestick (punerrific, in its own right) not once but twice, but the 9er defense played light out all night, keeping Big Ben and the Steelers out of the endzone all night. But the thing that irked me while watching the game was the instant paranoia that the Monday Night crew projected on the happening--you would have thought that a terrorist plot was unfolding on basic cable. I blame 9/11, the singular event that made us all paranoid fucks looking for our pacifier and a warm place to cocoon into a fetal position. The stone-age militia men who live halfway around this rock have won, ladies and germs.

BAM!

John Skelton. Quietly has the Cards on a 4 game win streak, with an outside chance of making the playoffs. It's clear now that Arizona wasted a ton of money on career backup, Kevin Kolb. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of your face--and I believe that Skelton is that answer for the birds, becoming the other miracle quarterback in the southwestern pocket of the lower 48.

The Grim Sleeper

Reggie Bush. In New Orleans, Bush was a role player, where in Miami, he's a threat. Quietly, he's rushed over the century mark in his last three games, including the massive 203 he accumulated over a sheet of snow in Buffalo. Maybe we're seeing the real Reggie in Miami. I applaud him--he's Heisman winner with a super bowl ring he deserved by playing, now I think he's working on a Hall of Fame legacy and we'll all point back to his salad days in a Dolphin uni as the beginning of said legacy. And he's doing it all without a Kardashian vacuuming his soul like the vapid suckubus she continues to be.

Bullet, dodged.

Ochocinco. Uno TD.

It's about time, done.

Brees. There seems to be a controversy brewing over the MVP award. Brees has entered a world his own in the last month and a half, were Aaron Rodgers has inhabited this world all year. To me, there is no controversy--this thing will play out like it did in 2004, when you had a consistent favorite all year (P. Manning) and a come-from-behind workhorse (McNair) sneaking into the talks at the zero hour. They solved the dilemma by giving the award to both quarterbacks. 2011 will be no different.

Eagles/Chargers. Too little, too late--the both of you go to your holes and think about what the Book has said all year--there is no such thing as stacking talent in the NFL--what do you think this is, the NBA?

Hines Ward. Is in the next Batman movie and we see him run for the most apocalyptic touchdown ever. The thing that pisses me off is the league's non-marketing rules for motion pictures--sure they have to make up a Gotham team (the Rogues), but why can't they be playing the Raiders or the Packers. Bane seems like the kinda cat that would be a Raider fan-and look for fools in the 2012 blackhole sporting the pre-apocalyptic respirator and a Carson Palmer jersey.

The Caleb Hanie Award...goes to the man himself--10/23 for 111 and 3 Ints. Word on the street is that Josh McCown will be starring against the Pack on Jesus Day. Lord help us all.

"There's no helping this blog..."

Raiders/Lions: Game of the year. This back-and-forth affair was eclipsed by my watching of the non-game that ended up taking place in Denver. I wish I would have switched over to this game at a certain point, though. I mean, the fucker came down to a 65 yard try from Janikowski (how long will the man flirt with Dempsy/Elam/Janikowski record?), a kick that was blocked by non other than the newly-reinstated DonkeyKong Suh. Oh, sweet redemption.

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!

Predictions:

Texans V. Colts. Toros playing for the first round bye, Colts playing for the first round pick. As the game kicks off in front of my eyes, it will be interesting to see if the Colts, fresh off their first in against Tennessee last week, will suck for luck. And since the first snap was fumbled and lost by Dan Orlovsky, it is clear which way this game will go as Arian Foster runs untouched into the endzone. This one should be easy for the struggling TJ Yates. Houston adds to their lead, 37-14.

Cards V. Bengals. Good game, starring two of the best young QB's in the game and two of the most explosive receivers ever. This one will come down to who has the toughest defense--the Bengals in my opinion. Plus, the Cincinnati Stripes have control of their playoff destiny--so they'll be playing in that all important pre-playoff mode. Bengals win a close one, 21-19.

Raiders V. Chiefs. I hope the Raiders are ready for a Romeo Crennel/Kyle Orton lead KC team that handled the unbeaten World Champs last week, this rivalry game against the Raiders will be their encore. I really hope the organization keep these two guys around next year, making Crennel the new HC and Orton the starter. Both these guys are likable underdogs who never get their due. The AFC West is the most confusing division ever and it will be even more confusing next year when the Chargers get a new head coach and Tebow will be the no argument starter in Denver. Chiefs win 21-19.

Giants V. Jets. The battle of Gotham has heavy playoff implications. Truth is, I kinda hate both these teams. I hate both head coaches for very different reasons (Rex because his halitosis smells of feet and Coughlin because he's old and he sucks). I know it is a hackneyed question, but is there a way they can both lose? Oh yeah, there is: 10-10 tie.

Chargers V. Lions. Lions can wrap up their first playoff appearance since we started using a 2 as the fist number of the calendar year with a win over the schizo-Chargers. The Chargers will continue down their current road of inconsistency and lose a close one, 21-19. Good luck in the playoffs, Lions--hope you play the 9ers again for the Handshake 2: Bay Area Beatdown. Let's hope it isn't scheduled for a night game--there's no telling what Jim Schwartz would do to Harbaugh with the lights out. The results could be...sexy.

Eagles V. Dallas. Andy Reid is safe now that the Eagles have shaken off the whole "Dream Team" moniker. Dallas can't seem to string two together. Eagles win the next two games and sneak away with the East, eantering the playoffs as one of those sneaky wild card teams that are dangerous. Eagles win, 21-19.

49ers V. Seahawks. Still can't believe the 9ers kept the Steelers out of the endzone. Sure, Big Ben was hurt, but it didn't make that win any less impressive. Now they head up to the Pacific Northwest on Christmas Eve to take on a resurgent Seattle team that is strangely still in the playoff picture. The Seahawks could win if the 9ers were set for the playoff, but unfortunately for the Hawks, San Francisco is still playing for a the first round bye. 9ers win, 21-19.

Bears V. Packers. Both my NBA team (Lakers) and my NFL team (Da Bears) are playing on Christmas this year, and I couldn't be less excited. The Lakers dropped both preseason games to the Clippers and the Bears are starting Josh McCown against the Packers who look to dominate their rival again for the 4th straight time in a calendar year. Can the Bears please fire Lovie after this game, this would the best Christmas present for the city of Chicago since Al Capone died. Bears lose, 52-3.

Falcons V. Saints. Drew Brees is playing out of his goddamned skull. He's on a mission to destroy the passing yards record set by Dan Marino in 1984. All he needs is 304 yards to break it--he'll do this in the first half against the Dirty Birds, who will upset the Saints in overtime, 21-19. LOL

End of Line.

Week 14 Blog: 2 Hype

2011-12-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

Tim Tebow has become the obsession of many, either it be lovers and haters. I'm not going write about my opinion of him (I love him, personally--even though he beat my Bears in this week's come from behind miracle), many have already done so and the story is wearing thin, me thinks. But instead I want to write about how Tim Tebow isn't just helping his own team, he's helping the Packers win too.

In 2007, Boston was the American sports epicenter. After the Red Sox won their second championship in 4 years and the Celtics acquired Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, the Patriots 16-0 season was icing on the cake. But the thing about the Patriots 2007 season was that they had to face the lossless questions, week in and week out. You could tell in press conferences that Brady was getting annoyed. I'm sure Belichick named a few new wrinkles on his forehead and mouth "2007 undefeated questions." The American sporting media will eat the hearts of children if you gave them a knife and fork, so I don't think that it is unfair to blame the Patriots loss in the Super Bowl that year on those talking heads.

Smash cut to 2011, the defending world champions, the Green Bay Packers are 13-0 and nobody is losing their minds over it the way they did with the '07 Pats and to a lesser extent, the '09 Colts. Also, the Packers have a different style of dealing with the media, they seem to clown around and always say stuff like, "we're 0-0 after a win." The sports media hates this "non-opinion of themselves," and I'm sure a score of these press-guys pine for the day when they were contributing to the wrinkles in Belichick's face. The Packers play it close to the vest and never give the media anything other than their high level of play to analyze. But the media doesn't care about the Packers so much as they do about young Tebow, so the Pack's feet aren't being put to the fire like the Pats were and they should all tebow before the altar of the pigskin and thank the NFL gods for that.

A big 'what if' going around now is the potential for the Broncos/Packers Super Bowl. This is either an insane notion or I'm insane because this notion sounds insane to me, not sure which yet. But the Broncos need to get by NE first, which they will not because Belichick>Tebow--but they'll win their last two against the Balls/Chefs. They will have a home game for the Wild Card and Tebow Time will rise again as they beat the unknown team in OT. The Miracle Broncos will head up to Foxboro where once again, the equation of Belichick>Tebow will=Victory for the Pats.

"I shall have your genitals in a fruit bowl."

But here at the Book of Drewsus, we feel that such-meaningless prognostication is not only necessary but dire to human survival. So what if? What if the Broncos could beat the Pats twice this year, would you believe in God then?

"You will all believe soon."

Or would Friar Tim and the Snowy White Steeds have to go on the road again and beat the Ravens of Baltimore for you to believe. Tim "Jesus Fish"Tebow will strike fear in the Raven fanbase much like Snoop, terrorizing her streets of Charm City with a gunpowder-powered nailgun. And then what, the Packers in the Super Bowl. Sheeet! That's a big what-if!

"I know, I don't believe in the Packers either."

James Harrison. He got a one game suspicion for that hit he put on Cunt McCoy. That's some BS. Now he's gettin' lumped together with DonkeyKong Suh, which is unfair. What Harrison did was part of the game, what Suh did was extra-curricular assholery after the whistle. I feel as if the league/media are on a witch hunt for overly-aggressive D-Men, maybe they can sew a red D on Harriosn and Suh's jersey on the games they sit out. I really don't know what this league is becoming, what with four QBs throwing for over 4,000 yards this year so far--it obvious that the fix is in. But the league will hit a brick wall with this soon--teams that rely on their clutch defenses to keep them in games will bitch up a storm during rules committee meetings in the Spring. Hopefully, this ship will right itself or expect arena league high scores where defensive players will only be required to have a pulse.

T.J. Yates. He has strung together a couple nice outings, including throwing the game-winning tud to propel the Texans into their first post-season inclusion. Put away the anointing oil, State of Texas--this dude is just waiting to flub à la Tony Romo in the playoff game where he fumbled the snap in special teams. It.will.happen!

Dallas Cowboys. Again, this team will epically spiral into themselves during the Christmas shopping season. I predict that they will fail miserably again and make way for the Giants (and the golden god, Eli Manning who is having a career year). Look for Jason Garrett to get the axe and the Cowboys go out and get Jeff Fisher--those lucky bastards.

Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald. These big market players need to get out of their small markets before they both peak. Wouldn't it be great to see MJD running for the Lions or Jets--or better yet, the Patriots? I would love to see Fitzgerald in a Bear uniform, but I imagine he will be either a Cowboy or Titan when his current contract is up. These 2 are the best of the worst.

Tom Brady. It might be safe to say that Bill O'Brien won't be the O coordinator in New England next year after this happened:All of this prima donna bullshit aside, the thing that isn't getting talked about enough is Tiquan Underwood's fly ass hair. I really hope he is ushering in a retro era in the NFL, setting the clock for 1991 when the jerry curl was exiting stage left and the Christopher "Kid"Reid high-top fade was all the rage.

He's 2 Hype.

The Caleb Hanie Award...goes to Carson Palmer, going 24/42 for 245 YDS and 4 INTs. Carson needs to watch some film this off-season, have a full camp next year and then he will make the Raiders a strong contender...next year. This year, however, the West belongs to the team of destiny.

49ers. Starting to think that this team is "2-hyped" as well. They are in real danger of playing the wild card weekend if the high-flying Saints have anything to say about it. As a Bears fan, I wouldn't mind seeing the Niners that first week if Jay and Matt come back into the fold. In fact, this scenario is a preference of mine...

No Predictions this week, giving my Great Grampy's crystal ball the week off. Fuckin' Finals did me in this week--expect a full report next week. Look for an addendum to this post in the next couple of days, though.

12/17 Addendum:

2011-12-10T11:50:00.001-08:00

TEBOW.

2011-12-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Even when he's off the field, he's #winning!

Week 13 Blog: Un-Farve-gettable

2011-12-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

Shit.

It's getting harder and harder to be optimistic about the Chicago Bear's 2011 wayfarer. First, the team loses Cutler for (possibly) the remainder of the season. Then Cutler's engagement to Kristin Cavallari is back on. Then Mike Martz's tenure in Chicago is ending in the foreseeable future. An now, Matt Forte sprains his knee yesterday, out for about the same timetable as Cutler. This is what happens when I get my hopes up.

Now, the media circus is abound, speculating on the next move that Chicago should make to help their offense rebound--calling for McNabb to enter the fold...or, hold your breath...possibly bringing the Farve circus to the Windy.

Fuck.My.Life!!!

Either way, it's over for Chicago. At week 11, they looked undeniable. They looked like the team that could dethrone the Pack at Christmas. They looked like genuine contenders--hell, even Bill Simmons (a notorious Bear unbeliever) was buying into their potential to win the NFC crown. I then started to buy in myself after my season-long hypnosis that Jeff Fisher would be the next Papa Bear. And yet, this might go down as the worst season for a Bear fan in recent history.

I would have said this after the disappointment that was last season--losing the AFC championship to their biggest rival as Cutler watched on the sideline making this face:

His shitty face couldn't be reached for comment.

But last season, the Bears were more consistent and lucky--and luck is easily one of the more underrated qualities of championship teams (see: 2001 Patriots or last year's Packers). The ball was bouncing the Bears way and they had swagger that was equal on both sides of the ball without any off field bullshit fogging their collective eyes on the prize, rare for this team. Now, in spite of any scenario that plays out, the Bears are done for another year. But, for lack of anything better to think about, I will now look deep into the foggy glow of my great-grandfather's crystal ball and visage the alternate stoylines of the post-week 13 woes of your Chicago Bears.

Scenario #1 Nabbing McNabb: I think Donovan McNabb would actually have flashes of brilliance as the Bears' starter. Sure, he would fumble around with Martz's playbook (and Martz wouldn't care at this point) but I think eventually they would have to adapt to his play, much like the Broncos are forced to do with Tebow. I think if Lovie and Martz drew up some simple plays, McNabb would do okay. Also, McNabb would feel a surge playing in his home town with his favorite team--which in my mind is already better than Hanie. Sure, mistakes would be made, but it would be fun to see what he could do in a Bear uni.

Prognonisis with McNabb: 1-3 down the stretch. Out of the playoff picture after being utterly destroyed by Green Bay.

Scenario #2: Fucking Farve: This, to me, would be the same thing as if Chris Webber became a Laker or if Orel Hershiser was a Giant.

He was, dumbass.

Part of me likes this scenario the best because Farve is so unpredictable. He will either stink the joint up or he will pull wins out of his ass as he is apt to do. Martz would love this scenario too, a true gunslinger who likes to take pictures of his wang (Martz likes wangs). And who in their right mind wouldn't forgo Opening Day of the NBA for another Farve return to Lambeau, this time in their fiercest rival's uniform--the potential of this game would make Santa hurry home. All the Bears would need from Farve is to get to the postseason, where Cutler and Forte can come back and we can forget that this nightmare scenario even played out. But would Farve find a spot on the bench if this happened? Farve never goes quietly, which is why he and the Bears won't come to this agreement from the start.

Prognonisis with Farve: 3-1, including a win in Green Bay to hand the Pack their first loss.

"Suck me, beautiful!"

Scenario #3: Do Nothing: This is the most likely since Lovie said this today. Oh well, it was fun to think about anyways. A pox on Lovie's house on staying this shitty course in light of losing your best offensive weapon yesterday. Desperate times calls for equal messures, unless you are the Bears front office--a team who notoriously stays in the cheap. The only silver lining to this scenario is that Lovie will get blamed and fired (which is unlikely). But there is no way in hell Hanie gets them to the postseason. Prognonisis with Hanie: 0-4 with the hopes that the Bears at least get a decent back-up for Cutler next year. But with these fucking-frugal McCaskeys, even that is a stretch. Ugh, I need a bullet for my head.

Toros. It must be nice to have a complete team. The Texans could have Gore Vidal under center and still figure out how to win. It's too bad that they'll go down early in the playoffs when TJ Yates will be exposed for the fraud he is--but at least they will finally go to the playoffs after unknown seasons of flirting with the possibility. This team shall have an excellent 2012, maybe even Super Bowl bound within the next two years if they play their cards right.

Bengals. Can't seem to get up for these big divisional games. The Steelers really have their number--but this is one of the youngest, most electrifying teams in the league and after Andy "Howdy Doody" Dalton collects his ROTY honors and plays in the Pro Bowl, you can bet the Bengals will be in the playoff picture every year until he retires in 2029.

The Drive. I caught the tail end of the Packer-Giants game yesterday and the thing that impresses me the most about Aaron Rodgers and that offense is their ability to not only score at will--but to move the ball down the field with a small window of time. Just watch Rodgers feet as he picks his receiver, they wiggle and set with his eyes until he finds hands to laser the rock into. It is absolutely amazing what this team does week-in, week-out. I just hope they can be stopped, but I'm realistic enough to know that no team will be able to.

Raiders. Will not make the playoffs this year. But they are getting better.

Colts. I should have taken that point spread, Indy cut it to less than half, losing to the Pats by a tud. Speaking of the Pats, quietly on a four-win streak--much like the Saints. Don't sleep on either of these teams with arguably the best two coaches in the game. That would be a kick-ass Supe Bowl.

Jason Garrett. He and Romo are the reasons that the Cowboys will never be mentioned in the same breath as the Pack, Saints, Pats or Steelers--this QB/coach simply isn't a successful combo because they can't seem to win the games they are supposed to. The game against the Cards yesterday shouldn't have even come down to the icing Garrett put on his own kicker--they should have won that game by 17, easily. But they lost and the Cowboys will continue to suck until they get rid of one or both of these two assholes.

The Rex Grossman Award...will not only be given to Caleb Hanie, but the award will now be renamed in his dishonor. He's a pathetic fuck.

Tebow. The playoff bound Broncos have a few more tricks up their sleeve, me thinks. My brain says they will lose early in the post, but my heart has them upsetting the Ravens at some point. Looking forward a couple weeks, I will be heavily invested in seeing what Belichik will do against the chosen one. Isn't Tebow the greatest accidental QB since Jim Harbaugh almost took the Colts to the Super Bowl in the mid-90's? The answer is yes.

Predictions:

Houston V. Cincinnati. I am hoping that Dalton and the felines can take down TJ Yates and the mighty Toros, but I'm not so sure. I thought the Falcons (who kinda suck) would put on a clinic against the Houston third-stringer, but he looks--well, adequate. I expect it to be similar outcome this week, a tight game, but with a different result, seeing as the Bengals need to rebound after dropping 3 of the last 4 if they want to be taken seriously. Beating the ailing Toros is a step in the right direction. Bengals win 14-19.

New Orleans V. Tennessee. New Orleans is absolutely money at home. That is why they will be playing hard until week 17, to see if they can catch the 9ers, or less unlikely, the Pack for the first round bye. The Oilers are red hot of late and we can thank Mr. Johnson for blowing the divots out of his cleats. This will be a high scorer, seeing as both teams are heavier on the offensive side of things. This will be a test for the Titans--to see how serious they are for that golden goose. Titans win in an upset, 37-28.

Chicago V. Denver. Goddamn I wish the Bears would run the Tebow-style offense, at least until Cutler gets back in a couple weeks, which will be too late unless they can split the next two games. Hanie is a better runner than thrower and Marion Barber is a workhorse in the vein of Dorsey Levens.

#throwback

I don't know why Martz doesn't un-Martz himself and just play a ball control game with the Broncos, a game the Bears have great potential to win with their great defense and special team play. This is the Bears downfall, their inability to change the game plan. This is why Lovie sucks. And this is why Tebow time will rule again--Broncs win 21-14.

Oakland V. Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers is always the footnote. Even in his pinnacle, career season, he is still in the backseat behind another quarterback stealing the headlines, either it be Farve or Tebow. But this Tebow thing works to the Packers benefit--the media's fixation is 70% Tebow, 30% the perfect season. Aaron Rodgers seems like the kind of cat that shines in this darkness, and the Raiders will get destroyed. What if Super Bowl XLVI is the Packers V. Broncos? Holy shit, what a match-up. Pack win 51-27.

St. Louis V. Seattle. Yuck! Have you seen the Miami Marlins new team uniforms? It looks as if Gloria Estefan puked south beach neon on someones pajamas and called it an MLB team uni.

These guys are taking their retinal abhorrences to South Beach.

New York Football Giants V. Dallas. Round 1, ding! Cowboys are on the ropes and the Giants must-win--this will be a smash-mouth affair that will come down to quarterback play. I like Eli and the Giants to rebound out of their slump this week because the Giants shine in December where the Cowboys falter. This year, I see no difference. Giants win, 26-21.

12/9 Addendum:

In last night's Thursday Night game, Colt McCoy was on the losing end of James Harrison's crown. He was taken out and then promptly put back in, rather controversially. McCoy's dad has gone on record to state that the Browns shouldn't have put his son back on the field, citing that Colt's mental state was much worse that the Browns let on. Although I agree with Mr. McCoy's concern and I agree that he should have been taken out--the game continues to become pusified.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think the league needs to back off on penalizing all hits. The very nature of the game boils down its brutal contact and this contact defines what the game is to me. Football, like all contact sports, is there to dull the edge of adolescent males and divert the testosterone energy into a controlled environment. The good always outweighs the bad when football is introduced as a right of passage and a diversion for young males to not kill one other. That being said, hitting is essential to the game when all young men start playing it.

The message in the modern NFL is that hitting is now wrong and that all the players must unlearn what they have been taught--to destroy their opponent and make them eat mud. But I get it, Goodell wants to appeal to future NFLers by tackling the problem we see when players retire and their bodies rebel, thus creating a culture of cripples. But guess what, anyone that plays the game knows the inherent risks. This is true now and it will be true in the future.

Instead of trying to take the physical aspect out of the game (which it feels like the league is trying to do without investing in nylon belts with dayglo flags on them)--the league should invest more in health benefits for the life of the player. All NFL players should get field to the grave coverage if they have sustained an amount of hits that would be considered critical mass (the math geeks can figure out the algorithm for this). And also, let's just assume an adult that wants to play the game of football knows the inherent risks when they sign the dotted line. As long as there is there is big money in it, the league will always find the players they need. Trust me.

2011-12-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

Eff this Guy!

2011-11-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

Love, Matt

2011-11-30T21:36:00.001-08:00

Week 12 Blog: Big Brotha be Peeping Ya'll!

2011-11-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

Before I begin in the image and the style that you are used to, watch these 4 videos before I begin today's lecture.

Stomp!

Piss!

Flop!

Diss!

Okay, now it is clear that this isn't your grandad's NFL anymore. With high-definition cameras getting every conceivable angle possible, it is clear that we see more of the game today than we did...hell, five years ago. Mo' Money always equals mo' problems. This, coupled with the ability to replay all these angles during injury timeouts, has given the announcer and viewer the ability to be the judge, jury and finer of all of these instances, all unique unto themselves.

The first is a no-brainer, Donkeykong Suh is clearly a moron and deserves the two-game suspension he received. This guy had it coming and I'm not talking from a football playing aspect. What I mean is, I'm fine with his "dirty" style of play--in fact, I'm a fan. Suh would have fit in quite nicely in the Raiders of the 1970's. I'm okay with his play for the most part. But his attitude sucks, but you can't always make these fuckers own up to that because bad attitudes are somehow acceptable from children these days. For example, after the Lions lost to the Falcons in Week 5, Suh was talking shit about certain Falcons players after he was accussed of making comments to Matt Ryan about his ankle injury being "karmatic" for something forgettable that happened in the game earlier. When he was making these comments, he was pompus, petty and sarcastic. He reminded me of most every student that has set foot in my English classroom.

The karma came back at Suh tenfold on Thanksgiving when he stomped that Packer lineman guy. His reaction after getting tossed was no different than a child who got his Xbox taken away for smoking bath salts and sexting his sixth grade teacher. Now, Suh has vowed to change his bad attitude while he sits at home, without 2 weeks of pay, playing Xbox while sexting Raven-Symoné.

The Nick Novak "piss-gate" is goddamned funny--and yet pathetic. I was watching this game and when I saw the cutaway, I thought he was adjusting his cup--but instead he was draining his man hose. I even heard that the commish is considering fining the micturating place-kicker. Gimme a break! The real shitty thing here is that a cameraman and producer were the ones responsible for the exposure on live TV. Who are these sick fucks and how come they don't get fined by the league? I'm sure this isn't the first time a player has made water on the sideline and why don't they have porta-potties on the side line so a player can go there instead of running to the locker room? And besides, had Novak ran to the locker room, he would have missed the opportunity to kick, thus forcing Norv Turner to burn a timeout. I think Novak did the right thing and I garentee he didn't think a camera was fixed on him--but maybe all players should conduct themselves as if they are always on camera--and don't think that their media-training will catch up to the players here, but I digress.

Jerome Simpson's epic flop against the Browns was also comical, I bet Vlade Divac was watching highlights at his home in Serbia and became engorged when he saw Jerome flop à la himself. And guess what, Simpson got the penalty, so good for him. It looked like a deleted scene from Ace Ventura didn't it? Quit hatin'!

Stevie Johnson's touchdown dance wasn't obvious at first--but after much, too much analysis, some have misconstrued the dance to attack everything from Plaxico Burress' gunshot wound, 9/11 and the Lindbergh kidnapping. Gimme a break, it was just a touchdown dance that no one got it until the game was over and the twittersphere blew up.

Is it just me, or is this league analogous to anything George Orwell wrote about? There are far too many channels, too many opinions being spewed out of talking head facsimiles of former players trying to relive their former glory vicariously through the current crop and too many angles for league officials to spy and fine. But I guess the league is no different than anything else in this country--this is and will continue to be my biggest fear. Anyways, Bulletboys were always my favorite 80's metal band...

New York Giants. After the steamrolling they took from the Saints last night, we might actually be seeing the end of the Tom Coughlin era--an era that should have ended in 2006. After the Giants miss the playoffs this year, we're gonna see a big move after Coughlin is let go. If you ask me, this team was built for a Cowher or a Fisher, defensively minded dudes who like to grow they facial hair out in December as they prepare for the postseason. Who knows, maybe Coughlin will be in a position after the new year to interview for his old job in Jacksonville. Stranger things have happened--for Christ's sake Kiss made this.

New Orleans Saints. Lest we forget this sleeping dragon. That shellacking they gave the G-Men is only the beginning of Drew Brees' dominance. They guys are good enough to beat the Pack--and they might be the only ones.

Baltimore Ravens. Strong statement win against the Niners on Autumnal Galliform Day. This is the best team in the AFC. Call me crazy, but I see a Saints/Ravens showdown in the Supe Bowl. That D against that O is the best that this league has to offer. Get yer popcorn ready!

CJ2K. Look who woke the fuck up. I wonder how many fairy tale football owners curse his acronym? I knew he would wake up eventually. But is CJ2K and Hasselbeck's play good enough to get the W's this team needs down the stretch to squeeze out the Bengals in the Wild Card? Or better yet, steal the division crown from the woebegone Toros?

Caleb Hanie. Before I take a dump on his first half play, I will say that Hanie looked decent down the stretch. After throwing 3 Ints, he threw a pair of passes that made Johnny Know look like a ProBowler. And if it wasn't for the botched spike at the end, who knows what Caleb would have pulled out of his ass (an incomplete pass is my guess). Whatever, the Bears put this dude in positions of failure and expect magic--last year's NFC championship and this, his first start in the blackhole. I think he will rebound this week against KC and Martz will have an adjusted gameplan ready. If Martz would just listen to Urlacher, Hanie could be the second coming of "Tebow Time" in the Windy.

"Watch it, non-believer!"

The Rex Grossman Award...goes to that asshole of a collarbone of Matt Leinart's. I surely hope that the Titans catch the Toros here in the end so that we don't see T.J. Yates in the godammned playoffs, essentially making this team the 2011 version of the 2010 Seattle Seahawks--happy to be there, even though they are a laughable inclusion. It's times like this that make me wish the Colts had Manning all season, thus ending any talk of a Toro postseason.

Eagles/Chargers. Yo! Media. They done. I know you all want to collectively count them in at this point because a lot of you had them as a potential Super Bowl contenders. But it's over and Andy Reid will be wearing a St. Louis Ram windbreaker next fall (do they make XXXL?) and Norv will move back down the coordinator food chain in Seattle or Buffalo. So, sports media, if you quit whining about these two paper kangaroos, The Book will leave these teams out of the "Predictions" section. Deal? Speaking of my prognonsis for the upcoming week...

Predictions:

Titans V. Bills. Techinically, they are the same team. Both are long shot contenders with a good running and passing attacks. The Bills are a longer shot for the playoffs and Fred Jackson is still hurt. The Titans hope to grad that golden ring of the AFC South, but they have to win-out (at least it should be the goal) and hope that the TJ Yates era in Houston is what we think it will be. This is a serious-test for the Titans--do they want it, or don't they? The Bills still play tough, even though they have cooled off considerably from they 5-2 start. CK2K is the x-factor here--if he plays well in the mild conditions in upstate New York, the Titans win. But don't count out the Amish Rifle and co.--they are due for a win. But it won't be this week, Titans win in an offensive expolosion, 45-27.

Chiefs V. Bears. Tyler Palko vs. Caleb Hanie--the QB match-up we all wanted to see once the lockout ended, right? This one will be the battle of who fucks-it-up less. Both QB's did their teams in last week, but this week might be different. I think both these guys are decent back-ups--but like all back-ups, the rust needs to get knocked off. The Bears are used to having a turd burgeler under center--so I have confidence that they will adjust accordingly. The Chiefs will be battling for their playoff lives, so they will be up for this game. But the Bears are too good at home and Brian, Julius and Lance will muddy up Palko's helmet real good in a squeker, Bears win 21-17.

Falcons V. Toros. The Toros need to win the next two games to control their distiny--but I'm affraid they won't, making their Week 17 match-up against the Titans a potential AFC South championship game. The Falcons are looking to find consistancy in a wierd year for them. This Yates guys might get yanked at a certain point in this game in favor of the newly acquired Jake Delhomme, who will be knocking his post-forced retirement rust off in a game the Toros can't and won't win. 23-13

Colts V. Pats. The only reason I am calling this one is the Vegas line. The Pats are giving 20 points. You read that right. This is by far the biggest spread since the then-undeatfeated Pats took on the hapless Eagles in 2007, a game widdened by 23 1/2 points (Eagles covered and almost won the game in a final score of 31-28.) This game will cover as well, but the game will not be as close--unless Belichick shows mercy--which he may not, given that the Colts are such a fierce rival pre-2011. I think the Colts will play hard in this one (their Super Bowl?), but still lose by a couple of tuds, 24-10.

Bengals V. Steelers. This is the game that will make Andy Dalton's rookie season one of legend. Not only will his Stripes go into Steeltown and take one away from those mustardseeds--but this game will solidify his rookie-of-the-year ranking. His tough play and leadership will come into play (expect a John Elway-esque helicopter play in the endzone from my favorite NFL ginger in the 4th to tie). Then, Doolin' Dalton will drive the cats down the yard, to set up Mike Nugents 31-yard pooch to win it in OT, 26-23.

Packers V. Giants. The Giants have a long tradition of being the perfect season spoilers. In 1934, they beat my unbeaten Bears in the NFL championship. In 1998, they beat the 13-0 Denver Elways with Kent Graham.

Kent Graham=Ted Danson Doppelgänger

The Giants did it again, most famiously, against the Pats in Super Bowl XLII, in what most NFL scholars (mainly just Chuck Klosterman) beleieve to be the greatest loss in league history. But can they spoil the party again. The stars are lining up. The game is in New Jersey, the Giants are playing for their playoff lives (when aren't they in December and the Packers need to lose this game. Did we learn nothing from the '07 Pats? The '09 Colts did when Jim Caldwell pulled Manning in a rollover against the Jets. The Packers need to do the same, I'm affraid, or the injury issue will arise. That, coupled with the hype and buzz, another factor that the Pats tried to ignore. A loss would end the questions of an undefeated year and teh Packers could shift their focus to the postseason. Sometimes a loss is a good thing. Packers win, 38-17.

Lions V. Saints. This Suh thing might be the final nail in the coffin. The Lions kinda have a Raiders-vibe too them, loads of talent and zero discipline. This might be a top-down thing, seeing as Jim Schwartz flexed his WWE muscle in that handshake debacle. But I kinda like the Lions, they are scrappy and Stafford plays well through the pain. This just isn't their year. Plus, Drew Brees is a fireball these days and I think that he will challenge Rodgers down the stretch for the league's most valuable. Remember during the long and drawn-out dog days of the lockout summer, when the NFL Network showed the 100 top active players and Manning and Brady were 1-2? I think Brees and Rodgers have replaced that mantle in 3 short months.

Life is a SUPERBREES!

End.of.Line.

12/1/11 Addendum:

The McNabb era is over before it really began in Minnesota. I can't help but feel sorry for the dude, though. I always liked Donovan. He got a bum wrap in Phili from the get go:

He never fared well in Washington or Minnesota either because both teams thought they were getting instant offense by adding him to the fray. I'm afraid that he would have had more impact if he went to these teams in the mid-aughts--but he is too far into the twilight of his career to turn around offenses that always seem to be teetering on disaster. Bottom line: Donovan is a great quarterback who can make a difference as long as he has the weapons to help him flourish. Outside of "All-Day" in Minnesota, he didn't anything to work with in either team.

Now, the question arises--who will jump at the chance to get him. The Bears and Texans are the leaders, but the Texans resurrected Jake Delhomme earlier this week and adding McNabb might seem too desperate. But the Bears makes complete and total sense.

The Bears went all season without the drama that has plagued a lot of teams this year (see: Detroit Stompers...er, Lions)--but ever since Jay Cutler went down in the Charger game (I blame Knox's cleats for Cutler's thumb) weird things have happened. Mike Martz is being courted by UCLA and ASU to fill their head coach spots and Jay Cutler's engagement to that vapid reality show star is appartently back on. Things in the Windy are getting silly again. But I think McNabb's presence in the locker room could right this ship. And I'm sure he would leap at the chance to play for his hometown team to end his career. It just makes sense. That's why he'll end up in Houston.

But a boy can dream...

E.O.L.

Week 11 Blog: Cup Runeth Over

2011-11-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Well, that sucks!

Jay Cutler might be done for the year, subsequently at the very moment I started to buy into my team after seeing them punch holes in the Charger defense like swiss cheese. I guess I'm bummed, but Cutler isn't the X-factor in the Bears offense anymore. That would be Forte.

"Enter Me"

But this is life, isn't it. As I was watching the game yesterday, I was trying to figure out the weak link in the team, now that the O-line has stepped up and given Cutler the the protection he deserves this year. I was seeing stars, I was seeing a Christmas pummeling of the rival Pack, I was seeing big wins on the road in postseason. I was seeing another pummeling, this time vengeful, of the Pack in the NFC championship. I was seeing a classic defensive show-down between the Bears and Ravens in Super Bowl what-ever-the-fuck-it-is, where Jay Cutler hits Dane Sanzenbacher in the chest for the only tud of the match, the game-winner. Now, all I see is a disappointment of mediocre proportions.

Schwa?

Since the beginning of the year, I declared I wasn't going to be emotionally invested in the Bears because I wanted Jeff Fisher to be the head coach, and unless they lose the remainder of their games in an epic maelstrom of shit, this coaching change will not happen. But, they aren't good enough without Cutler, cuz Caleb Hanie ain't no Jeff Hostetler.

"Yer goddamned right he ain't."

But what do you expect of a backup? They are designed to fail in most aspects, outside of Frank Reich and the aforementioned Hos. But Caleb Hanie was already fed to the wolves in last year's NFC championship and had a fairly decent outing against Rodgers and what would become the world champs. Maybe the rest of the season will be the maturation of a seasoned backup. Hell, even Urlacher today said he wated to see the Bears tear some pages out of the Broncos playbook and make Hanie the Windy City Tebow. But Lovie quickly squashed it and said it will be business as usual on offense. This is a typical thing for him to say, which is why I hate Lovie Smith so.

Lovie Sucks!

I just can't win. First, I pray for a 4-12 season where Lovie is canned after Thanksgiving and Fisher takes the reigns in 2012. Then, when a winning season is imminent, Cutler breaks a thumb and requires surgery, just as the Bears were really starting to look like a viable darkhorse. My prediction is that Hanie will go 4-2 down the stretch and lose to the Giants in wildcard weekend. No Fisher and no ring. Just when I really start to love 'em, they take a shit on my daydreams and shrug their shoulders at another sub-par season in the Midway. The glass is always half full of piss and the cup runeth over...

Dalton. Even though he lost another close one...barely, can we crown this kid already. I like Cam, but he has cooled remarkably in the last 4-5 weeks. Dalton has remained cool as a cucumber in another tight game against a Northern club. I don't think I have ever seen this much poise, confidence and durability in a rookie. It shouldn't happen this quickly, right? A rookie is supposed to take a couple of dud seasons in the shorts before he breaks out. Dalton defies logic and although the Bengals will come up just short of the postseason, they will still be in the mix when their heavy breath vapors from their helmets this holiday season. That in itself is a victory as long as this young man is taking snaps for the stripes.

AFC West. Who will win this division? Probably not the Chargers, but they still have a chance. Truth is, it's anybodies div to win, then lose in wildcard weekend. The only team I like from this division are the Broncs and that's just because of Tebow. Truth is, the West sucks in both divisions. Sure the Niners are an elite presence now, but how long until the other teams in their division step up and make it a race. Maybe football isn't supposed to be played on the ocean side of the Rockies. Maybe we're just a bunch of pussies over here with our warm temperatures, apathetic lives and shorts broken out in February. All I am saying is that these divisions will continue to be the step-children of the league until the Cardinals and Chiefs (taking the "Mid" outta Midwest) find some consistency. Until then, the suckiness will continue out here.

Cowboys. This team ain't gonna make the cut, not as long as Romo is under center. So get over it, Dallas fans. He ain't what you want him to be. He's an inconsistent gunslinger who wears a backwards hat everywhere. At this point can we start calling him the Fred Durst of the league?
"Romo don't 'thrill' me either"

Lagarrette "Beast Mode" Blount.

Rob Gronkowski. Speaking of beast mode, the New England TE just scored his second tud tonight while landing vertically on his head and getting up afterwards. There are still men that play this game.

The Rex Grossman Award...goes to John Skelton in Arizona. 6/19 for 99 yards and 3 Ints. Pathetic. Skeletons have no business playing quarterback in the NFL, ever.

Vince Young. The dude can still play in this league as he illustrated last night, leading the game-winning charge downfield to upend the Giants at home. He was Tebow before Tebow was Tebow. He'll be a Brown or something stupid next year, even though I think he's better suited as Vick's backup, where he's almost guaranteed 3-4 starts a year. On a side note, how come I feel like we might see 32 durable franchise quarterbacks in the next few years? It isn't as farfetched as you might think.

Predictions:

What a widowmaker of a Thanksgiving coming up. This is the best trifecta since the league added the night game on its flagship network a few years back. If I lived my myself and had nowhere to go this Thanksgiving, I would wear caveman clothes, eat Disneyland turkey legz, listen to Slaughter's Fly to the Angels on loop, with all the games playing in the background on mute, next to the bonfire in my living room. But alas...family.

Packers V. Lions.

This spooks my shit out. It looks like less of a Lion and more "crate-creature" in King/Romero's Creepshow. And, it's 70's lookin' too, which adds to the creepiness of anything really--this "Lion" looks like it was conceived in the Detroit municipal sewer system, on the hunt for young ladies in the area. This is the Packers first real game, but they win just the same. 34-35 OT

Miami V. Dallas. I like Moore. Not the Miami QB, but the name. It makes me of the English Moors, where a poor UK family bore Satan's twin wizards, Alan and Dudley--separated at birth. The Dolphins are on a hot streak with Reggie Bush, Brandon Marshall and a slew of nobodies. The ghost of Leon Lett in alive and well in new Texas Stadium. Fins come away, 21-17.

Epic Thanksgiving Ending, 11/25/93.

49ers V. Ravens. Wow! What a game this has potential to be. This 49er team appears to be a force to be reckoned with, but the elder Harbaugh has the upperhand at home. Ravens in a squeaker. 13-10

Bills V. Jets. The only reason I picked this one is because both teams are spiraling downward, yet one has to win. It won't be the Jets, as the Bills seal their fate this season. Manning might be a Jet next year. Is there enough room in Gotham for 2 Mannings? Yes, I believe there is. 22-17

Cardinals V. Rams. American Horror Story is better than The Walking Dead this season--geez, what happened to my once and future favorite show? Last season Dead was so Raven, but this season is so down on the farm. Does anybody who watches this show anymore worried about the missing girl? Me neither. AHS, on the other dismembered hand, is pure bliss. It took a couple eps to get into it (don't they all?), but I'm officially hooked on this little FX oddity.

American Horror Teenage Wasteland.

The story plays on classic horror and Gothic tropes, while not exactly saying what it is (A coven of lost ghosts? The devil's rebirth? A layered take on 21st century attitudes towards death?) I like that this show hasn't blown it's birth all over the audiences's face yet. It holds back. Modern television fantasy shows shouldn't come out and just say what it is from the get (i.e. Walking Dead), nor should it be needlessly ambiguous (Lost). AHS sits nicely between the spectrum of both shows. Please redeem yourself, Robert Kirkland.

Bears V. Raiders. I'm nervous. This will be a test of the EHS (Emergency Hanie System). Will it work? Can the defense stop Palmer and his new receiver weapons. At least McFadden is out. Oakland is a dirty little place to start your first NFL game. This is the trial by fire Hanie needs--to show the fanbase he has the goods to maintain games, rather than be the far-reaching hero. But there is a big possibility he could be the x-factor in this potential loss. But then I remind that

this is only a test.

Alice in Chains Puppets would stay the fuck away from this one...

Broncos V. Chargers. Tebow coming to socal--San Diego loves good little Christian boys who might be a little to twinky for their own good.

"Watch it!"

Maybe he can replace Rivers eventually, since Elway has made it clear that Tebow will not take his mantle away in Denver. The Tebow train keeps on rolling as the flakey fans in San Diego will actually root for him in the 4th as Rivers and Turner officially look towards what comes after this season. 27-14

Giants V. Saints. This has potential to be a good one, and it might if these respectable team's boredom cancels each other out. Giants pull it out, 33-24

Happy Autumnal Galliform Day, everyone.

Love,

The Book of Drewsus

End of Line.

Dickerson lookin' Fly!

2011-11-15T18:08:00.001-08:00

Week 10 Blog: The Spectrum

2011-11-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

I do my best thinking when I drive. Today, I was thinking about the League and this blog as I am apt to do on Mondays. I was thinking about how team's have identities and how those identities shift over time with some franchises, while other franchises have permanent stink on them. Then I started to think about a spectrum for these identities and what franchises are on the opposite sides of these spectrums, kinda like that scene in Donnie Darko where Kitty Farmer and Donnie dicuss the finer points of "Lifeline Excercise #1," where love and hate are the extreme opposites, where everything else falls in between.

"Stick this in yer anus!"

Now, what teams are the proverbial "Love" and "Hate" of this spectrum. I have narrowed the teams on either side and will announce a winner at the end. Sound fun? Too bad.

The "Hate" Spectrum:
One thing I want to make clear with this needlessly long analogy about nothing in particular is that I don't hate these team's per se. That is a much different list, trust me. I actually like 2 of these teams. This data is based more on the reputation of the franchise, how much they pay their custodial staff and tidbits of advice I have received (and not taken, I might add) from a bevy of psychological professionals.

Team #1: Cincinnati Bengals. Remember 2 years ago when Chris Henry died in a mysterious truck accident, when his fiance peeled out and dropped poor Chris on his head, left to die the next day? That was a tipping point for the Bengals. After that, the team's reputation preceded itself. At that time, they were in playoff contention, but Marvin Lewis couldn't wrangle his team of misfits. Carson was depressed he was a Bengal (we know now), Cedric Benson was pepper sprayed by cops and Ochocinco wanted to race a horse. Shit was outta control in the Queen City.

"At least I didn't fuck a horse."

In 2011, the Bengals have a very different arc. Andy Dalton is about as Leave it to Beaver as NFL quarterbacks get and the Palmer/Ochocinco era is a distant memory, not even a year later. This is why I feel that the Bengals are retreating from this "bad boy" stigma, even if Cen-Ben is still on the roster. Maybe Dalton can take his running back to the drug store for a soda and some licorice whips? Just a suggestion.

Team #2: Philadelphia Eagles. This team turned the "hate" corner when they signed the most unrevered and infamous player in the league two years go. Ever since then, the Eagles have become a hive of scum an villainy. This team receives extra points for being in Philadelphia, the most detestable and loathsome sports town in the nation. My love for Andy Reid, however, keeps them out of the one spot, mainly because he is so non-threatening and lovable. Now that they are out of the playoffs, we get to see the real demon-spawn unleashed after all the dream team hype, as the holidays wane, be prepared for some sort of drama to affix itself to the NFL's toxic Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity.

Team #3: Oakland Raiders. The perennial bad boys of the NFL. Once again, they lead the league in penalties, on pace to beat the single season mark held by the '98 Chiefs if they keep it up.

"Get yer own damn ball!"

Al Davis' passing didn't affect the demeanor of his team. In fact, the Raiders have been the kind of rag-tag bunch of losers most sports movies are based on. The spit, they kick and they like to get muddy. Even though we see a modern era, where team's wear pink and defenses are encouraged to not hit anyone, the mystique of the Oakland Raiders lives on. They are at the end of the "hate" spectrum.

The "Love" Spectrum:

Team #1: Green Bay Packers. The Packers, like the Bears and the Cowboys are storied franchises, which makes them perfect candidates for the love-o-meter. But to be clear here, the love goes beyond the history and the prominence in a league, there are many factors to be considered the extreme opposite of the Raiders.

One of the things that I respect (hesitantly) about the Packers is the whole, "we're-owned-by-the-people" thing, it is very utopian...or socialist, depending on what you think about Herman Cain. People associate good things with this team, especially now that they are so good and seemingling unbeatable these days (more on that in a bit.)

Yuck.

Team #2: New England Patriots. Yes, the Patriots are good. They take on the personality of their enigmatic coach and seemingly perfect quarterback who elevates players the way MJ did the Bulls in the 1990's. Although they have have had their controversies (ie Spygate, the Tuck Rule, their Raideresque signing of league castoffs), the Pats are classy and bloodless at the same time. There are no individuals in the Patriots organization, just cogs in the Belichick borg cube.

You will be assimilated.

Team #3: Indianapolis Colts. Non-threatening, boring, coaches in khakis, autistic quarterback, Midwestern, animatronic head coach. The Colts are the most unassuming team in the NFL, especially in an "0 fer year." The Colts are at the very end of the love spectrum.

Yeah they will!

To reiterate here, I'm not labeling these teams good or evil--this is all non-scientific data brought to you by my accumulated fear and loathing for these teams and all the teams that stand in the middle. These days, I have a hard enough time discerning between good and evil in real life, let alone football. The X-Men analogy is apt here.

Imagine if this guy was a fullback for the Steelers.

Back in the Summer of 2000, before 9-11 and my knowledge that women will destroy you if your guard is down, Brian Singer's X-Men hit the big screen. The line was drawn and the good mutants and the bad mutants had clear goals. Magneto's "bad" side wanted to exert his and fellow mutants dominance over mankind, enslaving the inferior beings. On the "good" side, Professor X wanted to coexist with his human counterparts by learning how to help one another without stressing that he could make Obama's head explode without nary a thought.

Eleven years later, I saw X-Men: First Class, a movie that stressed the same moral dilemma at the end of it. I found myself seeing Magneto's points and, given the option myself, would have followed Magneto at the end of the Cuban Missile Crisis, with Michael Ironside watching in his binoculars. Maybe this a sign of getting older and feeling the pain of true adulthood that has aided this shift. I dunno. What I'm trying to say is that this spectrum isn't unlike this moral dilemma. Boy, do I ramble about nothing. Let's get to the finer points this week.

Goalposts. In the Saints/Falcons game, goalposts came into play twice in the game. In both instances, wait for the rules committee to make some changes. One rule, you can be sure, will be to penalize the slam dunking of the goal post after what Saints TE Jimmy Graham did to it. The other is the extension of the goals posts' vertical reach. In today's era of the super-kicker, the line judges have a hard time seeing if a kick is good anymore because the kicks arch higher than the actual posts, leaving a head scratching moment for the officials. Some times they even corner-eye each other to see what arm motions the other is using and then they parrot on the fly.
Buffalo Bills/Detroit Lions. As I said last week, the Bills are a bit overrated. I'm about to throw the Lions under this bus too. Both teams looked abysmal against two mediocre NFC teams. The anointing oil will have to wait 'till next year, Amish Rifle and Megatron. You guys were big headline grabbers in September--but the 2011 wayfarer must move on without you. Have a nice off-season, up-and-comers. 2011 wasn't your year.
Houston, we have a problem. After annihilating the whoaful Bucs, the Texans looked to be that AFC darkhorse the media has wanted them to be in the last 3 seasons. Now, they are trading Matts, the ailing Shaub for the inept Leinart. This will not bode well for the Toros, who feel the high-flying Titans nipping at their heels. No playoffs this year, Houston.
Lions/ Bears Melee. I love that word--"Melee"--and so does the sports media, it makes them sound like they know French or something. I loved that Stafford took his aggressions out on D.J. Moore the way he did, WWE style. I love that Moore didn't stand for that shit too. The Bears defense looks just as good as the Niners or even Baltimore. Licking my chops for that Bears-Packers game on Christmas. Maybe it will be the cheeseheads first loss, me thinks.
The Rex Grossman Award. For the second week in a row, Curtis "Suck for Luck" Painter. 13/19 for 94, 2 Ints. I'm done talking about this team and their road to 0-16 and you should be too.
49ers. Still don't know what to think. A rookie head coach shouldn't have this much luck early. Harbaugh is really defying the odds out in the city by the bay. Beating the Giants was big, but the Niners tough defense was exposed as the G-Men racked up 20. The chinks in the SF armor might be exposed in films. If you score on them and make Gore a non-factor, it leaves it up to Alex Smith to take control--something he hasn't had to do all year. Upcoming match-ups against the Steelers and Ravens will be telling.

Week 9 Predictions:

Jets V. Jesus Boys. I dunno what it is about Tim Tebow, the dude defies everything I know to be logical in the 25+ years I have been obsessed with professional football. He runs and ugly-ass option play that teams have yet to figure out. He's lucky if his pass attempts make the double digits (Vegas over/under for pass attempts against the Jets is resting at 11, my sources say). He is too short. He lacks athletic ability. He prays too much. Wait....words....are...slowing...must...not...stop...typing...

God has taken over this blog.

God: Who doubteth the almighty Timothy? Drewsus? You blasphemous foul. You wretched sod. How dare you not only disparage the name of my one and only son by bequeathing it, although altered slightly, for your own name, but must you cast stones at NFL apostle, young modern Tebow's play? You should be ashamed of yourself. I would strike you with lightning if I thought it would change your lecherousness writing. Write your foul rag, then--but leave Tebow out of your wrath and offer him, instead, good tidings as he takes on that obese wretch, Rex Ryan and his deplorable Jets. God out!

Broncs win by a tud, 14-7

Bengals V. Ravens. Round 2 for the Bengals, as they take on another Northern foe. Can the Ravens be any more inconsistent? They have no problem winning the big games, but when they face the NFC West, they buckle. This inconsistency shouldn't go overlooked this week and the Bengals look to bounce back after losing a close one to the Steelers in what is becoming the strongest division in football, save the Browns. This is a hard one, Ravens due for a win, playing at home. Ugh. What to predict? Let's ask the Alice in Chains claymation puppets.

"I Stay Away"

Titans V. Falcons. This is a good game. The Titans are playing good ball right now and I think their hopes have been lifted in light of the Matt Schaub news. Plus, CJ2K is back and Matt Hasselbeck has been consistent as fuck this year. Matt Leinart will figure out a way to fuck it up out in Houston, just wait. Matt Ryan and the Falcons have a screw loose. And although I applaud Mike Smith's ballsy call in OT against the Saints, it was idiotic. The Falcons are the Ravens of the NFC and they will lose this game. Ever notice how many QBs in the league are named "Matt?" 28-17

Chargers V. Bears. So if the Eagles and Chargers lose this week, can we finally cut them out of the playoff picture? I know we all chose them to go far in the postseason, some even had them as squaring off in the Super Bowl. The dream is dead. The reality is that these two teams were done by Columbus Day. My Bears will make short work of their first opponent in their AFC West Tour '11. Bears win, 26-14

Eagles V. Giants. Vince Young in. Andy Reid out. Bill Cowher in. Giants blow 'em out, 45-3

Chiefs V. Pats. Remember back in Halloween when the Chiefs looked like studs and Todd Haley was growing out his beard in honor of their win streak? So do I. The Chiefs are the worst Jekyll/Hyde team in the worst Jekyll/Hyde season in recent memory. That's why KC will down the Brady boys, 23-20

End of Line.

11/17 Addendum.

Just finished watching the Broncos/Jets game. If Mark Sanchez had the heart of Tim Tebow, we would be saying his name in the same breath of Brady, Roethlisberger, Brees, and Rodgers. But he doesn't so we won't. This Tebow kid is the best thing in football right now. I pray to the same god Timmy does that the Broncs sneak past the Raiders and win the West. Tebow in the playoffs would be interesting, especially if he won a game.

I am still perplexed on how this team wins, though. They do nothing flashy and yet Tebow and McGhee get it done in the backfield. You really have to give it to the Denver D--they keep the kid in the game, week in, week out. God love 'em, Tebow and the Broncos are one of those rare enigmas that rises out of the league and confounds the media until they have to buy in. Tonight, I feel that the media's collective eyes are fixed on #15, and soon we'll all bow down and believe in miracles, because this Tim Tebow is indeed a worker of them.

Amen.

E.O.L.

2011-11-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

Week 9 Blog: The Search for the Week 8 Blog

2011-11-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

Life caught up to me and I was unable to write the week 8 blog, please forgive me, dear readers, for I too must evade the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

It's about to get ugly.

This Ugly.

When Novemeber's cool Autumn breeze sends the shivers up California's vast vertebrae, it is at that moment you know that the NFL is heating up. It is at this moment of the season that the gap between the pretenders and the contenders widen like the cold, bitter waters of the Atlantic. The Bills, Patriots, Jets, Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Texans, Titans, Raiders, Chargers, Chiefs, Giants, Cowboys, Bears, Lions, Packers, Falcons, Saints, Bucs, and 49ers are all in the picture with records of .500 or better, some stronger than most, mind you--but the playoff picture is a nice mix of favorites, old war horses and bright newcomers. It's hard to pick favorites, but in this era of parody, the last two months of the season not only usher in the cold weather, but perennial match-ups with heavy playoff implications--far sooner than we as fans are used to. In the coming holidaze, the weak will be pulled away from the chaff like a turkey leg from a Turducken's torso. ORV, four wheel drive, bullet points the size of Matzah Balls!

Torrey Smith. Redemption is one of the reasons why we love this game so. Early in the Pittsburgh/Baltimore rubber match, rookie WR Torrey Smith was called for holding during a big Ray Rice TD run in the first, a penalty that cost the Ravens O the big score. Then in the fourth, Smith dropped two Flacco frozen ropes, one ball that would have put the team up, deep in the quarter. But the rookie shook it off and caught the game-winning tud with literally seconds on the clock. I like Smith and I like the Ravens. This season-sweep of the Steelers is a statement and this puts them in the driver's seat in the AFC in this blogger's opinion. And I love that Terrell Suggs mutherfucker, he's like a more sinister Brian Wilson in interviews. This team feel Super bound this year.

Pats/Giants. As great as I want the Patriots to be, they just aren't. For the second year in a row, Belichick has dropped the ball on his defense. Is he losing his touch? Wasn't he a big defensive egghead back in the day? This loss to the Giants in New England is unforgivable. The Giants are never as good as they appear, maybe the biggest example of a paper dragon in the NFL--but they have one thing in their respective quiver: Tom Brady's number. This is a sign. Another short postseason for the Pats is all but probable. The Pats D needs to improve next year, or the rumbling around Belichek's tenure in Boston will be the big question in 2012.
Tebow Vs. Palmer. I finally had the chance to sit down and see this Tebow kid in action. It ain't pretty, but the fucker brings an energy to the huddle that rivals the big rookies this year. Maybe this is a shift in the position. Young players with leadership-skills that are NFL ready in their first or second years. Look at Cam and Big Red Daulton. Look at Luck in Indy. All I am saying is that I love Tebow's ugly ass game because it pisses everyone off so much. He plays the position like a young Jim Thorpe in a leather helmet. Palmer, on the other hand, played better, but is still averaging 3 Ints a game. This is problematic for the Raiders post-season hopes, which will continue to dwindle in the last half of the season. Do we really need an AFC West division leader in the playoffs this year? If so, I hope Tebow's Broncos rise out of the west like a phoenix and simultaneously shut all the haters the fuck up in the process.

Jim Thorpe is Hella Pissed

Aaron Fucking Rodgers. 2011 M.V.P. Making Brady's 2007 season look like Pop Warner pulp. Will somebody please beat this team?
Buffalo Bills. It might be premature, but I kinda feel this team is a bit overrated. I like the Amish Rifle and Fred Jackson, I think they are the rightful heirs to the Kelly-Thomas throne in Buffalo, but they might be a year away from the playoffs. The way things are playing out in the AFC West, don't be surprised if it's a winner-takes-the-division game on New Year's game versus the Pats. The Pats will avenge their week 3 loss and send the Bills home early to shovel their walks.
Andy Daulton. Cam has the flash, the numbers, the accolades, the Heisman, the national championship, the forecasted franchise tag and all the tangibles of a future league star. One thing he doesn't have, a winning record. Andy Daulton has the Bengals tied with 2 AFC behemoths. That in itself is reason to give Big Red the year's best yeoman honors.
The Rex Grossman Award...goes to Curtis "Don't call me Cobain" Painter. 13/27 for 98 yards and an Int is painting a pathetic picture for an unstable and emotionally checked-out Indianapolis club. Can this team win? Maybe if Manning gets in there, which I doubt. The team will string a couple of wins together, but it won't be enough to save Caldwell's stoic ass. Who's the coach next year? Fisher? Gruden? Cowher? Manning? Time will tell as the most pathetic team of 2011 will be the biggest offseason story in 2012 when Luck enters the Colts' stratosphere. Don't be surprised if Manning doesn't lace up cleats for the Jets next year. You read that right.
Da Bears. My team is officially a dark horse with a favorable schedule coming down the stretch. Don't worry, the anointing oil is safe in pirate's chest at the bottom of Lake Michigan, but I couldn't help but feel goose bumps as the Bears downed the Eagles (and their playoff chances) last night. If they take down the Lions (coming off a bye week, the kiss of death for lots of teams this year), I really like their chances t draw a wild card because this team has no chance at catching the Packers and their well-oiled offensive machine.

Week 9 Predictions:

Raiders V. Chargers. Let's face it, neither team is very good. I feel like Jackson coaches better than Turner and that will be a factor here, home feild will not. This is the game that Palmer should be making his first start in, in my opinion, but maybe the rust has been knocked off in the form of 6 Ints in two games. Jani-cow-ski will kick an 85 yard game winner as time expires. At this point, is there a difference between Romo and Rivers? 23-21

Aintz V. Phalkonz. This is a very telling NFC South match-up. The biggest questions: are the Saints as good as we think they are and are the Falcons as bad as we think they are. The results will answer the question and will propel each team into their appropriate story arc for the second half of the year. This is this week's featured stay-away game.

Stealurz V. Bangalz What a match-up. I will say this, the Bengals are consistent this year, riding high on a 5-game win streak, the longest in the AFC. The Steelers played a tough game against the Ravens last week, a game that came down to who had the ball last, as it should have. The Steelers are looking to gain some ground in the North and I think they're gonna smack Daulton and the black stripes in the mouth, winning big in a statement game. 35-11

Billz V. Boyz.

Toroz V. Buccoz. Brian Cushing is coming after my Joshy. My Joshy won't have any place to hide from the biggest narcissist in the NFL. The Toro offense is pretty good too. Are the Toros the most balanced team in the league? Albert Haynesworth and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers don't stand a chance. 29-14

Lyonz V. Barez. I'm too close to this one. My preseason hypnosis dream of a 6-10 season won't happen. Jeff Fisher will be coaching the Rams next year, taking the team back to L.A. Jeff will be a great Los Angeles football God. Payton Manning will be his QB in the 2014 Super Bowl. Bears by 2. 17-19

Jieants V. Phor-t 9erz. Love this match-up, day I say, game of the week? I dare. Niners shock the world and bury this inconsistent paper tiger, 31-10.

Paytreeaughts V. Gentz. Tired of this lame-ass, pseudo-rivalry. They are both struggling, but the Pats are always capable to turn the ship around like no other. I really hate the Jets so I hope Brady can get it going and control the game. Do the Giants have the Pat's number? Pats win, 33-2-15

Packerz V. Vykings. Sike!!

End of Line.

11/10 Addendum.

This Joe Paterno scandal is the NCAA equivalent to Watergate. Did you know that Penn State tried to fire Paterno in 2004 and he flat refused to go? What balls to know that your figureheadum is that powerful, Hitler had that kind of confidence. Not to compare Joe Pa to Hitler, but if mustache fits...

This news has rocked the Penn State campus. Last night, there was riots, police and drunken frat boys screaming, "We want Joe!" Why don't they just chant, "Little boys asses are nice to touch?" It's a goddamned shame that it came down to this, the end of a legend, 61 years in the making. My dad was 4 when Joe Pa started coaching at Penn State. My dad falls asleep at odd moments. But, the University had to make a call and they made the right one from a litigation standpoint. Joe fucked up by keeping quiet about Sandusky's penchant for late night showers.

An angle we need to consider is the man. Joe Paterno is from another era. In his heyday, I'm sure he ate steak and whiskey for the majority of his meals. I'm sure he smoked and made inappropriate remarks towards women. I guarantee Joe had no idea there was a breed of man that liked to shower with lads in 1965, that is beyond his wheelhouse of a possibility. 1965 Joe Paterno is no differnt from 2002 Jo Paterno, as far as his mindset goes. When he was told by a graduate assistant what he saw in the shower room, Joe's mind couldn't grasp the notion. It's not that Joe Paterno has a black heart, far from it. Joe Paterno is a product of his era, an era that ended 30 years ago.

The day and age we live is different than the one Paterno continues to live in. We know pedophilia like we know the Swifter, Snooki or the Illuminati. Sadly, it's common knowledge. I blame Chris Hansen. But Joe Pa has been living in the 60's for the past 40 years. This is the Head Coach syndrome, always living in the glory days and making it the life mission to keep chasing that dragon. I'm sure that his reaction to this horrible news was not unlike my reaction when I read the summary for "The Human Centipede: First Sequence" for the first time--he probably vomited in the nearest trashcan, curled up in a fetal position and pushed the information so far into the recesses of his skull, tackled and buried by the X's and O's of the Spread HD. He quickly reported the news to his superior, took a Silkwood shower and fell asleep in his theatre, watching the 1987 Fiesta Bowl for the 982nd time. The next day, it was 1968 again and all was right in Joe Pa's world.

I think it is a shame, though, that the Penn State student body took their "anger" to the streets. I guarantee the idea to to this seeded in the dorm rooms and frat houses of drunken neanderthals, looking for "legitimate" reasons to act like buffoons in public. It's an American tragedy that the media were all over the Penn State riots last night, when on the west coast, this happened in Berkeley yesterday. And we hear nary a buttfucking word!

E.O.L.

#FAV

2011-10-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

Week 7 Blog - Repeaters

2011-10-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

Perception is a weird thing. Collectively, over the last couple of weeks, sports anchors, bloggers, tweeters, ex-players, current players, journalists and any other miscellaneous talking heads on sports networks have been commenting on the second-coming of Carson Palmer and the not-so-much comings and goings of young Tim Tebow. Perceptions where made, and often repeated by the non-thinking crowd--cuz if Tony Kornheiser said it articulately, leaving no room for fallacy, it must be right. Wrong. This is the problem with modern media, on a 24 hour cycle. Often, a news story will break in one network or another and the other networks will repeat the details, even if those details are veiled opinions.

Repeat after me...I am an assclown!

For example, Tim Tebow's height vs. heart ratio. How many times have you heard this statement or some variation of it: "Tim Tebow just doesn't have the size to be successful at this level. But he has the heart." One of the biggest issues in American sports journalism is this form of repetition. Yet another sports cliche--a world where cliche becomes rule. Instead of these "journalists" taking the time, turning off the games, putting down the latest issue of SI, they owe it to their readers/viewers to have fresh take or angle for them to ingest. But they don't and there are two reasons for this: a) they are lazy (both obvious and sad) and b) they don't know how to or feel intimidated to sculpt a unique opinion. Both of these reasons go hand-in-hand, like a rat swallowing its own wormy tail as it is hurled into a flaming Apocalypse.

Blasphemy!

My point is, the experts don't know shit. Tebow led the Broncos back from the dead in Miami yesterday. The experts were all patting themselves on the back at the Miami/Denver halftime. Tebow went 4-14 and 40 yards well into the 3rd when he woke up and exploded in the 4th, going 9-13, 121 yards and 2 tuds.

Putting the over in Overrated!

Meanwhile, media buttboy, Carson Palmer threw 3 ints in the second half of his game, scoring no points as the Raiders were blanked by the lowly Cheifs at home. In the media's collective mind, these outcomes were the exact opposite of the projected outcomes, further making sports media in this country almost as unreliable as political media. But, as Monday rolls around, no one fesses up. No one apologises to Tim Tebow's messianic fourth quarter numbers. These just gloss over it, replacing the controversy and lack of original opinion with what ever becomes the big story for next week. Bullets in the chamber----*FIRE*

Super Bowl Rematches. An understated fact about the games yesterday was that two of them were rematches from two very recent Super Bowls, XLIII and XLIII, respectively. The outcomes were not so super: the Cardinals fell to the Steelers 32-20 and the hapless Indiana Colts fell 62-7 to Drew Brees and the high-flying Saints, tying the most points scored with a few other teams, post league merger. The Colts need to be put out to pasture. This Andrew Luck/Peyton Manning controversy is sizing up to be one of the most interesting stories for 2012.

Philip Rivers. This is a perfect example of media turning on a player. One bad game against the Jets and he's thrown to the wolves. One year ago, he was the MVP of the young season. Short memories are another thing the media possesses. The Chargers are 4-2 and after the Raider meltdown against KC, they're still the team in the West. Keep Phil's anointing oil close by, the Chargers will BBQ KC next monday night.

Detroit Lions. No longer will I drink the Detroit Kool-Aid, this team has issues. An injury prone QB, unstable defensive lineman who may or may not have intentionally taunted an injured Matt Ryan, and a coach who might be a bit neurotic. There are many chinks in this team's proverbial armor.
Detroit Kool-Aid would be a great bandname.

Colts/Rams/Phins. The battle of who cares less. It might be the Phins, who blew the lead in the fourth and ushered in the Kal-El era of Colorado local sports. It might be the Rams, who have lost their last two with a combined score of 58-10. But I gotta believe it is the crappy Colts--who lost epically to the Saints last night. The question remains though, will Peyton play in December to get his team out of the cellar and out of the Luck business? That is up there with that chick/egg quagmire.

Christian Ponder. The smarty pants era has begun in Minnesota. Ponder has a Bachelors and a Masters, maintaining a 3.89 GPA while he attended Florida State. He's also working on another Masters degree in sports management while playing his rookie year. Someone has his eyes focused on a post-career, for once. Give him a couple years and he might be the next Aaron Rodgers. The NFC North is shaping up, QB wise, to be exciting for the next 10 years.

Cam. Although, Daulton, to me is a better natural leader and will have more wins than Cam this year--Fig Newton is becoming the new NFL darling, taking over where pre-dog fighting Vick left off in 2005. The popcorn is burning up and Cam's stats are the kindling that will keep the fires of rookie of the year burning.

The Rex Grossman Award...goes to Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer, combined they went 15/35 for 177 yards, and 6 Ints. Not the debut the Raiders wanted. Don't be surprised if Mr. Palmer does nothing but underwhelm us all for the rest of the year.

Bears/Tampa. Oh, Joshy! Or as twitter friend "sexbiscuit" calls him, "Fantasy Football Hitler," you seem to be the biggest Jeckylhyde QB since Rex in his hay-day. In other news, Matt Forte is an elite back in this game and he gave those limeys a show. Just watch this:Key Matchups and predictions. (Boy, do the games suck this week--must be in the the thick of bye weeks.)

Vikes V. Camthers. Two rooks will try to out chuck each other in the beautiful, American South. Ponder looked promising, probably giving the world champs more of a fight than they were prepared for. He won't sneak up on Ron Rivera's defense this week. The Cam show is coming home, this weekend--his the new hope, the new truth. He and Steve Smith will be hurdling 3 rings this weekend, beating the poor Vikes by two tuds. 38-24

Lions V. Broncbows. Do you believe in the power of God? Tebow does. He's a natural miracle worker. Fuck the haters. I think he is the template of the new NFL Quarterback. A trouble-less christian who takes his vitamins and finds a way to win. He will find a way to win, handing the Lions their third loss and making analysts repeat the mantra, "After Tebow's second miracle, are the Lions burning in the foulest version of Hell, where amoebas fear to tread?" 23-17

Pats V. Steelers. Another AFC Classic. Pats will look sharp after bye week. Roethlisberger will look sharper than a Joe Jackson song. Welcome to the NFL, Chad Ochocinco. Steelers to the wire, 24-22.

Cowgirls V. Vickles. What to think here? Both coming off wins from pathetic teams (Rams/Skins--yes, the Skins are pathetic, as always when October ends). Both are QB'd by the dark horses in the media (one team's QB is casted as this rather fairly, the other is not. I'll let you guess which is which.) Let's just say my love of dogs is unparalleled by my hatred of gunslingers. The game has passed you by, old man. Eagles by 10. 21-11

I leave you with a riddle.

Which Painter doesn't belong?

End of Line.

10/27 Addendum:

"The Autumn wind is a pirate
Blustering in from sea
With a rollicking song he sweeps along
Swaggering boisterously.
His face is weatherbeaten
He wears a hooded sash
With a silver hat about his head
And a bristling black mustache
He growls as he storms the country
A villain big and bold
And the trees all shake and quiver and quake
As he robs them of their gold.
The Autumn wind is a Raider
Pillaging just for fun
He'll knock you 'round and upside down
And laugh when he's conquered and won."

- NFL Films President and co-founder Steve Sabol (son of founder Ed Sabol)

E.O.L.

I want my Grape Nehi!

2011-10-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

Week 6 Blog: The Handshake

2011-10-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Aaron Rodgers may have unintentionally ushered in a new era in pro football. Or maybe we have the 2010 Packers locker room to blame for what happened at the end of the Lions-49ers contest in a seemingly unrelated way. Let me explain.

Put it here.

Last year sometime, Aaron Rodgers became obsessed with the idea of a championship belt. So much so, that his routine touchdown celebration is the fitting motion of where he believes a belt should befit his waist. Other teams have even emulated this celebration when they score a tud against the Pack, a knowing sign that your celebration has arrived. This is classic, WWF gesturing that has cycled its way back through history and on the NFL field. But it's not just Rodgers that is behaving this way. Packers star LB Clay Matthews embodies a similar gesture when he get a big tackle or sack. He starts out with a classic flexing of the gun show, then morphs into a Predator-esque squat.

Go ahead, boy, make booboo for daddy...

Even long-haired LB #2 for the Packers, A.J. Hawk has joined the ranks of old-school WWF gesturing but using the queen mother of them all in the Packers drubbing of the lowly Rams.

Birds of a feather, flock together.

All of these gestures, including Matthew's guest spot as a referee in an episode of WWE Smackdown and Rodgers sporting the belt on David Letterman, mean something. Smash/cut to sunday's extremely satisfying game between two upstart teams: the Lions of Detroit and the 1849ers of San Francisco. The thrilling duel come down to the final moments, as the Niners squeaked out a 25-19 victory. When the clock laid 4 goose eggs, rookie 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh jumped and pranced serpentine on the field like a Natalie Portman having an identity crisis. When it came time to lock hands with loser Lions head coach, Jim Schwartz, Cap'n Comeback was a wee bit too exuberant, slapping Schwartz on the back. Then Schwartz had a few choice words for the Cap'n and Harbaugh got in his cheek, which was broken up fairly quick.

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine...

The moment that Schwartz decided to haphazardly go after Comeback is what I will dub the WWF moment. Schwartz didn't want to fight Harbaugh, I think he knows that Jimmy would take his ass down, being a former quarterback in the league know for his durability and toughness--but he made a great fucking spectacle of himself as he circled the crowd that had manifested around Harbaugh and even stamped his foot on the ground, to show how mad as hell he was. Is this kind of behavior good for football? Maybe. I propose that the entire field be lined with posts and ropes, thus allowing the free safety in the prevent to smash any receiver with the ball in the helmet with the people's elbow. And if this does happen, we'll all look at Rodgers and the Linebackers with manes of gold as the tipping point in 2010. Bullets with butterfly wingz...

Green Bay. Speaking of those wrestling-obsessed devils in 1929 throwback gear, they still look unbeatable. Rodgers might have decrowned Brady as the best quarterback in the league--maybe. I sure pray we see those skinhuckers square off in the squared circle in Lucas Oil come February. Get yer popcorn ready.

Sean Payton. Poor sonofabitch tore his MCL in a collision and loss to the Bucs who bounced back nicely this week to take sole possession of the South. Not sure what to think of the Saints this year. They aren't in the same league as the Pack, in fact none in the NFC are--sorry Lions, Niners--you'll make a good case in the playoffs (what about Harbaugh/Schwartz II in a divisional game??)--but the Pack, barring injuries, seem to be on a quest to become the next NFL dynasty. They just might have to beat the last dynasty to do it. developing...

Tebow. He's (second?) coming this weekend, Miami.

Devin Hester. Why in the hell does any team in the Union still kick to this dude? He hadn't returned a kickoff for a tud since 2007, so thanks for that Vikings. Maybe this guy slapped some sense in him. I think he is finally showing his potential as a receiver and he still is deadly in the return game. He might be a #1 wide out yet. His anointing oil has a shelf life, though.

Donovan McNabb. This is the end, my friend. This is two years consecutively that my Bears have knocked two future hall-of-fame quarterbacks in Viking uniforms out of the game for (potentially) good. McNabb's Farve moment came when his moms exited the game in the third, before his benching, never to return. Hopefully, the McNabbs invested some of that chunky soup money in G. Gordon Liddy gold.

Andy Daulton/Bengals. Quietly 4-2. Daulton doesn't have the flash and arm that Cam does, but he has a better record in the black and blue of the AFC. Seems as if the media of late has been focusing too much on the Lion/49ers/Bills/Redskins as the primary resurgent teams this year. The Bengals could easily match up to all these teams and beat 'em all. Daulton is progressing nicely, don't be surprised if this dark horse doesn't steal the rookie crown from Cam come December.

The Rex Grossman Award... goes to...Rex. 9/22, 143 yards and 4 Ints in week six after a bye week sounds right for my favorite quarterback with an oedipal complex. Shanahan gave Bad Rex the hook and put in mediocre John Beck who scored the Skins only tud.

Tampa/Orleans. This game would have had a different outcome if Patton was still on the sideline. Not only is he the primary play caller, but his motivational skills as coach is unrivaled by most coaches in the league. You take him out of the equation, and you see this result. P.S. I love Joshy again.

Tony Romo.

Key Matchups and predictions.

Super-Chargers V. JustEndTheSeason. Is there any way they can both lose? Ah yes, a tie. That's how this one will end, even if Donovan McNabb doesn't know the concept exists. 13-13

Toros V. Oilers. Still have hope that the Titans can win their division, now that the Colts sucks. The Toros stand in their way, but they are kinda half-assed about it as usual. This will be a statement game for Hasselbeck and CJ2K and I think they will deliver. I like the Titans to come away big at home, 35-14.

Da Bears V. Buccos. It's the battle of the mediocre between old divisional rivals in jolly 'ol England, govenah. This one will come down to the QB play. Cutler and Freeman, although inconsistent, are playing at high levels this year. The Bears will have the lead in the 4th, but will squander it (as they are apt to do) as Joshy and the Bucs celebrate a game-winning field goal in OT.

Dirty Birds V. Lyings. After week 2, this looked like a marque matchup, now...not so much. Lions need to win this one, to show the league that they can bounce back like good teams (see: Pats, Steelers) and not fall into the familiar pattern Michigan is used to seeing. I will officially write off Matty Ice and the Falcons if they lose this game. Then, this team is officially a threat to my Jeff Fisher cream dream. Lions by a tud.

All the rest of the games suck this week! Another bad week for the night games. Colts@Saints/Ravens@Jags. Yeech!

End of Line.

9/20 Addendum

I'm not sure what shocked me more this week, Kadafi's execution in Sirte today or the addition of Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders line-up Tuesday. I can honestly say I was over the Kadafi thing in about 20 minutes, but I'm still haunted by the decision the Raiders made to dig the Palmer fossil out of the Le Brea tar pits and hooked him up north to the second city by the bay. Will this work? Maybe, but I think Kyle Boller should be the Raiders QB until the Chargers game on 11/10. This would give Palmer 20 days to prep while the Raiders, at the very least go 1-1 against rivals Chiefs/Broncos--two games that bookend a bye week. That is minimal time, if you ask muah. The rumor has it though, he's starting against the Chiefs. This is a colossal error on Young Master Mark Davis and head coach Hue Jackson's behalf.

Win one for the Skipper!

I'm not too keen on the Raiders, but now that Al is gone, it feels like a fresh start for the silver and black. They feel like a team of destiny. But I think that this Palmer thing might make or break this destiny. I just think throwing him at the Cheifs when last sunday he was watching Jim Schwartz scream at Harbaugh in his boxers, sleeping on a pile of coeds is a mistake.

Allegedly.

Good luck, 2011 Raiders, yer gonna need it.

E.O.L.

How the Mighty Have Fallen.

2011-10-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

Tebow Time!

2011-10-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

#sadchez

2011-10-11T00:12:00.001-07:00

Week 5 Blog: Posthumous Al

2011-10-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

Ding dong, the most infamous of the AFL brainchildren is dead and you should be sad. Even if you hate the Raiders. Especially if you hate the Raiders. Al loved it when people hated his team, in fact he reveled in it. He's was a lot like Marilyn Manson that way.

My candidate for the next Owner/Führer of the Oakland Raiders.

Okay, maybe it is a stretch to compare Al Davis to Manson...or Hitler for that matter. There is a degree of evilness in all three and Al Davis was closer to the Hitler spectrum of evil (i.e. Real Evil) than to the Manson spectrum (i.e. Fuckin' weird, but not real evil). Not to say Davis was evil, but he was as corruptible as the next guy and he took his chances in a time when men did so. He was a true entrepreneur, and he did it with hard work and his memory is to be connected to that.

As tomorrow roles around, more talk will happen. Will the Davis family sell? Is Marilyn Manson in the market for an NFL team? Does the franchise see this as their Castro moment? Do you sell to the Hell's Angels? These are all logical questions as we enter the Week 5 blog.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is what you'll drink tonight!

Eagles and Vick. Stick a spork in 'em, they're done. If this is the Dream Team, it's time to wake up. Maybe Andy Reid's time is up, like Terry Francona and Jeff Fisher before him. Maybe this Eagles team needs another voice in the locker room. Andy can coach KC next year--they have killer BBQ to continue to block the arteries where the cheese steaks left off. They do have a favorable schedule down the stretch, but maybe they should lose out and hope they get Luck-y in the draft. Micheal Vick is not a leader.

New York Giants. Just when you think that they might have something going: defense is healthy, Eli playing consistently and the running game is adequate, they lose to the Seahawks. This is the paradox with this team. They can string a couple of good games together and just lose to a loser by 10 or more. This keeps them out of the serious contention on the Power Rankings week-in, week-out. The only time we looked at them as elite team was in 2008 after they stole the crown from the Pats. Then they lost a divisional to the Eagles in a forgettable game. The Giants are who we think they are and that's the problem. Keep making that face, Eli. Just. Keep. Making. That. Fucking. Face.

This is the face I speak of.

Jets. Done.

49ers. Look really good after a week 5 demolishing of a really good Buccaneers team. Alex Smith continues to impress me this year. Maybe he needed a coach who could empathize with him. Jim Harbaugh is that cat. He's my underdog pick to win coach of the year. If the Niners keep this up, they will win the West uncontested and will get to the Divisional game. I like this team, even though I hate them.

Tebow. It's time to pass the the torch. Kyle Orton is too old too rock. Tebow~time to goooo!

The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Josh Freeman, my former lover. He could do nothing against a strong San Francisco defense. Maybe this is the cold quality that the experts speak to in Freeman's game. I dunno. No tuds though for the entire team. They were the only team that registered a single digit score in the match-ups yesterday. Arena league, ladies and germs.

Houston Texans. Mario Williams out for the year. Andre Johnson done for awhile too. Losing to the Raiders on Al Davis week is a harbinger of doom. Texans not gettin' into the postseason again. Gary Kubiak will be the offensive coordinator for the Bucs next season.

Tony Romo. The bye week won't save you from the suckiness that correlates with the name that's printed on your locker, fella.

Key Matchups and Predictions.

Panthers V. Falcons. The Falcons are falling apart and Cam Newton has got to win soon. Two semis are passing in the night on the I-85--I like Cam to throw a game winner in a 24-21 squeaker.

Eagles V. Redskins. The Eagles need to rebound here against a familiar foe. I think Andy Reid will have them back on track against the Skins. I see a blowout, 34-10. Rex Grossman will rightfully retain his award this week.

Bills V. Giants. Who is the best team in the state of New York? This game will determine it. I like the Bills, but they don't play strong on the road and the Giants are coming off a loss to the dismal Seachickens. I like the Giants by 10.

Niners V. Lions. This is one of those games that looked whatever on paper in the preseason, but oh have the tides turned in the NFC. These two teams might see each other again in the playoffs and may god have mercy on the soul of H.P. Lovecraft if they do. This is this week's "stay away."

Texans V. Ravens. The Texans have the most uninspired name in all of professional sports. This was the list to choose from in 2000: Appollos, Bobcats, Stallions, Texans, Toros, and Wildcatters. At least they didn't choose Wildcatters, that would have been an epic fail. Unless they started using the Wildcat offense then it would be upgraded to mediocre. I kinda like Appollos--but the rest are shitty. Toros is not a team to be taken seriously. Maybe we can call them Toros until they prove they belong in the league. Ravens, on the other hand, might be the best name in professional sports, a literary allusion to Poe's most famous poem. You might ask, "Why Edgar Allan Poe? He wasn't from Baltimore." True, he was born in Boston--but he died in Baltimore ala a Bon Scott-esque misadventure style, deliriously walking the streets in someone else's clothing. So the Baltimore NFL team moniker comes from a half-mad Gothic writer's opus of death and confusion, a reflection and omen of his own death. For that choice, the Ravens will jump to an early lead over the Toros and never look back, winning by 4 tuds--evermore...

Saints V. Bucs. In a perfect world, the Bucs would bounce back--but they are far too "youngry" to learn from their mistakes so fast--especially as they get set to take on the the titan from their division. Expect Brees to light up the Buc D and have success early. Josh will get them within 10 in the fourth, but Darren Sproles will give the baby their bottle and exclamate the victory with and 84 touchdown run. Sainst win 34-14.

Cowboys V. Patriots. Tony Romo will suck bad in Foxboro's bright, foliage spotlight. Brady will get Ocho his first 2 tuds of the year. Patriots by 20.

Poorest Sunday/Monday Night Games yet. Vikes@Bears. Phins@Jets. Looks like I'll be raking some leaves this weekend.

End of Line.

10/13 Addendum.

I don't think that Twitter has affected the NFL. At least not yet. But it might soon. Maybe it has affected Ocho, maybe he's on timeout with the Pats because of his crazy tweets in 2010. But that is a conspiracy theory. One that theorizes that Belichick got Ocho to draw double teames so that Welker can claim the recieving yards record this year. It's a fun thought.

No it ain't.

Pete Carroll tweeted this today, along with this picture:

@PeteCarroll: Hey @KingJames… (Nice!! Looks great)

If the NBA doesn't go this year, which is a good possibility, this might be coming to a theatre near you. How unpresidented of an event. In the past, we could only enjoy NFL/MLB hybrids such as Bo Jackson and Deon Sanders. The closest thing to this kind of hybrid was Charlie Ward, the only Heiman Winner to play in the NBA.

#throwback

Prediction: If LeBron's cleats hit NFL terra firma, he gonna fuck shit up. Get yer popcorn ready.

E.O.L.

2011-10-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

R.I.P.

2011-10-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

(the following is an excerpt from the RS 128 from February 15, 1973 article Hunter S. Thompson wrote for Rolling Stone magazine entitled Fear and Loathing at the Super Bowl.)
The conversation took place within 10 yards of me, and I heard most of it.
“Who's the big guy over there with the ball in his hand?” asked the man with the DA.
“His name's Thompson,” replied Chronical sportswriter Jack Smith. “He's a writer for Rolling Stone .”
“The Rolling Stones? Jesus Christ! What's he doing here? Did you bring him?”
“No, he's writing a big article. Rolling Stone is a magazine, Al. It's different from the Rolling Stones; they're a rock music group. . . Thompson's a buddy of George Plimpton's, I think. . . and he's also a friend of Dave Burgin's -- you remember Burgin?”
“Holy shit! Burgin! We ran him out of here with a cattle prod!”
I saw Smith laugh at that point, then he was talking again: “Don't worry, Al. Thompson's okay. He wrote a good book about Las Vegas.”
Good god! I thought. That's it. . . If they read that book I'm finished. By this time I'd realized that this strange-looking bugger named “Al,” who looked like a pimp or a track-tout, was in fact the infamous Al Davis-- general manager and de facto owner (pending settlement of a nasty lawsuit scheduled for court-action early this year) of the whole Oakland Raider operation.
Davis glanced over his shoulder at me, then spoke back to Smith: “Get the bastard out of here. I don't trust him.”
I heard that very clearly -- and if I'd had any sense I'd have abandoned the whole story right then, for reasons of extreme and unnatural prejudice; call the office and say I couldn't handle the bad vibes, then jump the next plane to Colorado. . . I was watching Davis very closely now, and it occurred to me that the fiendish intensity of his speech and mannerisms reminded me very strongly of another Oakland badass I'd spent some time with, several years earlier -- ex-Hell's Angels president Ralph “Sonny” Barger, who had just beaten a multiple-murder rap and then copped out, they said, to some kind of minor charge like “Aggravated Assault with Intent to Commit Murder,” or “Possession of Automatic Weapons” (submachine-guns), “Possession of Heroin (four pounds) with Intent to Sell, and Sexual Assault on Two Minors with Intent to Commit Forcible Sodomy”. . .
I had read these things in the Chronicle. . . but. . . What the hell? Why compound these libels? Any society that will put Barger in jail and make Al Davis a respectable millionaire at the same time is not a society to be trifled with.
In any case, the story of my strange and officially ugly relationship with Al Davis is too complicated for any long explanations at this point. I spent several days pacing the sidelines of the Raider practice field with him -- prior to the Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Kansas City games -- and the only thing I remember him talking about is “Environmental Determinism.” He spoke at considerable length on that subject, as I recall, but there is nothing in my notes to indicate precisely what he said about it.
Shortly after I heard him tell Smith to get rid of me on that first afternoon, I walked over to him and somehow got wound up in a conversation about how he was having trouble buying property in Aspen because “some people out there,” thought his money was “dirty” because of his known connections in Las Vegas. “Hell, that's no problem,” I told him. “I once ran for sheriff in Aspen; I know the place pretty well, and I can tell you for sure that at least half the money out there is dirtier than any you're likely to come up with.”
He stopped and eyed me curiously. “You ran for sheriff?” he said. “In Aspen, Colorado?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I'd rather not talk about it. We didn't lose by much, but losing in politics is like losing in football, right? One vote, one point --”
He smiled crookedly, then began pacing again. “I don't give a damn about politics,” he said as I hurried along the white-lime sideline to keep up with him. “The only things that interest me are economics and foreign affairs.”
Jesus christ! I thought. Economics, foreign affairs, environmental determinism -- this bastard is sand-bagging me.
We paced back and forth a while longer, then he suddenly turned on me: “What are you after?” he snapped. “Why are you out here?”
“Well. . .” I said. “It would take me a while to explain it. Why don't we have a beer after practice tomorrow and I'll --”
“Not tomorrow,” he said quickly. “I only come out here on Wednesdays and Thursdays. They get nervous when I'm around, so I try to stay away most of the time.”
I nodded -- but I didn't really understand what he meant until an hour or so later, when Coach Madden signaled the end of that day's practice and Davis suddenly rushed onto the field and grabbed the quarterback, Ken Stabler, along with a receiver and a defensive back I didn't recognize, and made them run the same pass pattern -- a quick shot from about 15 yards out with the receiver getting the ball precisely at the corner of the goal line and the out-of-bounds line-- at least twelve consecutive times until they had it down exactly the way he wanted it.
That is my last real memory of Al Davis: It was getting dark in Oakland, the rest of the team had already gone into the showers, the coach was inside speaking sagely with a gaggle of local sportswriters, somewhere beyond the field-fence a big jet was cranking up its afterburners on the airport runway. . . and here was the owner of the flakiest team in pro football, running around on a half-dark practice field like a king-hell speed freak with his quarterback and two other key players, insisting that they run the same goddamn play over and over again until they had it right.
That was the only time I ever felt that I really understood Davis. . . We talked on other days, sort of loosely and usually about football, whenever I would show up at the practice field and pace around the sidelines with him. . . and it was somewhere around the third week of my random appearances, as I recall, that he began to act very nervous whenever he saw me.
I never asked why, but it was clear that something had changed, if only back to normal. . . After one of the midweek practices I was sitting with one of the Raider players in the tavern down the road from the fieldhouse and he said: “Jesus, you know I was walking back to the huddle and I looked over and, god damn, I almost flipped when I saw you and Davis standing together on the sideline. I thought, man, the world really is changing when you see a thing like that -- Hunter Thompson and Al Davis -- Christ, you know that's the first time I ever saw anybody with Davis during practice; the bastard's always alone out there, just pacing back and forth like a goddamn beast. . .”

2011-10-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

Week 4 Blog: The Omen

2011-10-02T19:06:00.001-07:00

I promised myself one thing, that this blog wouldn't turn into a Bear Blog. I plan on keeping that promise. I'm not a Bear fan this year, I have conned my brain into thinking this. My love for Jeff Fisher knows no bounds at this point. But I wanted to start this entry by touching on the rich lineage of the Chicago running back.

Matt Fotre is one of the elite running backs in the game today. Yeah, I said it. Document the day I said it. Remind me I said it. I have no shame. He ran for 205 yards. Only other Bears that have done this are named Walter Payton and Gale Sayers. Nuff' said.

Playas Be Hatin'

In a related story, some book publisher hired Mike Ditka as an unofficial spokesperson for a tabloid bio that just came out about Sweetness. Ditka said, "I'd spit on him. I have no respect for him." Now I know what you are asking yourself, how is that promoting Jeff Perlman's book? Negativity promotes more strongly than positivity, does it not? That said, is it not a far-fetched idea to use the media as a source of free advertising via negative press? Dirt sells, ladies and Ghents.

ANYHOO-HOOO-HOO-HOO, maybe it was an omen, as we enter the witching hour of the calendar, that Forte would have a monster day at Soldier right after this book came out, almost as if the torch has been officially passed from Payton to Young Master Matt. It only took four years to replace Sayers with Payton. It was taken two and a half decades to finally put Walter's ghost to bed. Sleep well, Sweetness. Coach Ditka, Brian Urlacher (called Perlman a jackass, publicly) and Ron Rivers (said it was easy to crap on someone who wasn't alive to defend himself) have got your back. I need to use foot notes. How about some bullets for yer milk.

Detroit Lions. Wow! Just wow! What a show they put on against the Cowboys. The Lions are for reals, bust out the anointing oil, Tuna Man (but save the tuna oil for America's Team). Johnson and Pettigrew are looking like studs out there as Stafford continues to gun the ball into their bread baskets. Looking forward to their divisional match-up against the Bears next week.

Baltimore Ravens. This might be the team to beat in the AFC. They look sharper on offense than their divisional rivals, the Steelers. They look better on defense than the Patriots. If they keep this up, we might see them in Indy. Barring injury, these guys are a new favorite. Maybe they'll play the Lions? But we mustn't forget the champs.

Aaron Rodgers. I wonder if his 408 yards passing, 4 tuds (2 pass, 2 run) is the single greatest fantasy output ever? I understand all leagues score differently, but there is no denial that Rodgers put up monster numbers against a woeful Broncos team (Tebow Time yet?). Between him and Brady, we're looking at two quarterbacks playing to the peak of their abilities and Rodgers might have the better season once the fog settles into the graveyard of quarterback performances of the past.

Brady/Pats. Took care of the Raiders quite handedly. The Pats don't lose 2 weeks in a row. Brady's numbers are down, but the season is still young--although, Rodgers might take the MVP crown away from Tommy this year if he keeps his numbers up. Time will tell. Pack/Pats is still a dream Super Bowl.

Eagles. Crisis mode already. Too much hype with this team. This squad is the NFC version of the Jets (is Sanchez an effective NFL QB? Does he get the Alex Smith treatment in New York?). Vick is not the kind of guy to take the heat of a sinking ship--and his frustration grows by the week. How soon until Kafka puts on the RAID-repellent and steers the sinking ship into the nearest cheese steak sandwich?

The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Jay Cutler. But to be fair, he is working with the worst line in the NFL. No, I am not a Jay apologist, nor do I apply the tuna oil. The guy is a jerk. But he's my jerk.

Vikings. McNabb is done in the NFL. The Christian Ponder era is about to begin. I blame Farve, his presence on that team was a dark omen over the purple and gold. Looking at the rest of the schedule, the Vikings will only win 4 games (if they're lucky) this season. Who, if anyone, will pick up McNabb this off season, if anyone?CFL? Arena? WNBA? ...developing...

Tony Romo. Not quite in the same boat as McNabb, but gettin' there. He is the most inconsistent quarterback since Rex's days as a Bear. Speaking of Rex--he's dipping into the familiar swamp of bad numbers. Watch for him to fuck up on a more consistent level as the Redskins march towards meritocracy in the final half of the season. I predict he will win his own award at least 3 times before the Redskins bench him and put in the next worst thing.

Key Matchups and Predictions.

Eagles V. Bills. A must win situation for the Eagles. A statement game for Buffalo. Those two sentences would sounded like swahili before the season kicked off. This is how unpredictable the league has become. I like the Eagles to win and I think they'll win big. Not to say I have lost hope for Buffalo, but I think the Bengals showed the league that the Bills play hard and to the end, but lady luck was striped in orange and black and the Bills will have a hard time adjusting. Maybe...I like the Eagles by 17.

Titans V. Steelers. Titans look sharp on offense with Hasselbeck under center, turns out he just needed a change of scenery. The Titans are a dark horse in the AFC (I picked them to win the division and I still think this will happen). The Steelers looked flat on offense against the Texans, who I feel isn't as good as this Titans team. But the Steelers get up for the big games and they always seem to rebound from games they should have won. The game will end in a tie.

Raiders V. Texans. Alright Raiders, this is it. You have to win this game or you won't appear on my key match-ups list ever again. If Andre Johnson suits up, forget it Oakland. But if he is still playing the part of Tiny Tim on the sideline come sunday, I like Janikowski to kick them out of a squeaker.

Bucs V. 49ers. The Niners are playing hard for their head coach, Capt. Comeback himself. But I'm leaning towards the Bucs, barring what they do to the Colts tonight. My love for Josh Freeman knows no bounds. This one will be tight in the fourth. No prediction. This is what they call in the gambling world a "stay away."

Jets V. Pats. Rex has a way of getting his team up for these games and, like the Eagles, New York is dangerously treading water in a strong division. The Pats are at home, but that seems to work against them in this game. I wanna call "stay away" but I feel in my heart that Belichick has figured out the rubrik's cube that is the Jets defense and I feel he spent his extra time over the lockout dissecting every look in films. This is a close one though, Pats by 5.

Green Bay V. Atlanta. Atlanta needs to win. Green Bay needs to stop winning. The Birds'll get their revenge on the Pack, but it will be close. Expect Rodgers to show him mortality (can only go down after that Herculian wayfayer against Denver). Falcons by 2.

Chicago V. Lions. Tough call. Did the Bears find their run attack against Carolina? If so, they might have a chance against the stronger Detroit team (felt weird typing that, let alone thinking it). Am I calling this a Bears win. Lord no. The Lions are as good as the Ravens at this point. Lions by 10.

End of Line.

10/7 Addendum:

Yeah, I know this isn't a Bear Blog, but something happened today that is 25 years in the making and worth noting for it's cultural, historical and sporting significance. Roughly twenty-five years ago, this happened:

And it prevented these guys from going to visit Reagan in the White House.

That is until today, when President Obama honored the '85 Bears today at the White House lawn.

Obama said at the press conference that the 1985 Bears were "the greatest team in NFL history." Finally I agree with him on something.

E.O.L.

2011-09-29T00:30:00.001-07:00

Week 3 Blog - Human After All

2011-09-28T01:32:00.001-07:00

Week 3 down, my dear readers. Before I get into the games, I just wanted to talk, briefly about the brilliant NFL doc, Bill Belichick: A Football Life. It was something to see, the most ridiculed and reclusive head coach in the NFL actually act human. Not only that, we got to take a peak at his relationship with Brady, his coaching staff and his son, Stephen. We even get to see him shit talk up with Derrick Mason, telling the Ravens veteran to go fornicate himself in so many words. If you love the NFL, you will love this doc and you will see what is essentially the Darth Vader of the league take off his helmet for two hours and reflect on the reputation he has made for himself in his almost 40 years of coaching in the NFL.

Well?

Mike Vick continues to be the cry baby of the league after complaining that the refs didn't protect him in the Eagles loss to the Giants yesterday. He sustained a hand injury and he broke his vagina. Listen, Vick. You're only three years back since yer stint in the pen--maybe you shouldn't be falling into old habits. Next week, he'll get busted by putting his truth in a water bottle and the downward spiral will start again. The guy is hard. There's nothing he can do to save himself from himself. All we can do is watch. And wait...

Bullets.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Still my sleeper to get into the playoff picture and I think they will have a better record than the Falcons. Yeah, I said it. The Falcons might be in early season panic mode. They don't even look like a playoff team now, the Lions have their spot, tentatively.

Detroit Lions. Comeback kids. The Vikings looked good against them until they depended on McNabb to pull out a squeaker, something he absolutely sucks at (see: Super Bowl XXIX). Like the Bills, the Lions look like a team of destiny. But, we'll put away the anointing oil until at least Thanksgiving when they play the Pack for the first time this season. Finally, a Lions-Thanksgiving game to look forward to.

Brady. Looked mortal in a loss to the Bills (their first win against the Pats in 15 games--ouch). His numbers were decent, but 4 INTs gives the game away. And what about Ochocinco? Fantasy players are dropping him, no doubt, after he dropped a TD pass. Don't you dare count out these Pats, though. Sure their defense is atrocious and they don't seem to have any ground game worth mentioning. A healthy Brady and a cognizant Belichick is all this team needs to go deep in the postseason. Besides, name me one team that is better than the Pats in the AFC. The Ravens? Maybe. The Steelers? Took it to the wire against the one of the worst in Indianapolis. Bills? Let the season play out. Jets? Paper Tigers. Raiders? Gimme a break, watch Sunday. Brady gonna put on a clinic. Belichick hates losing two in a row.

Eagles. All hype. Might end up as the least in the East if they keep this up. Vince Young needs to get in there soon (or kill himself...). Kafka is sprouting antennas.

The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Andy Dalton. 157 yards passing, 2 INTs, no TuDs. I wonder if Mike Brown's index finger is hovering over the send button of a poetic, baby-come-back e-mail to Carson Palmer. Time will tell. Speaking of the Bengals, when does Marvin Lewis' tenure end. He's had more NFL lives than Wile E Coyote reincarnated as a cat.

Tony Romo. Who cares if you played injured. You are a footnote. An amoebae. A nothing master.

Games I'm looking forward to this week and some picks:

Detroit V. Dallas. I think the Lions are due for a bubble burst. Minnesota almost did it last week, and I think Dallas is capable of doing it this week. I like the Boys to win by a touchdown.

Pittsburgh V. Houston. Houston always comes out the gate strong and the Steelers don't. I like the Texans to win by a game-winning two point conversion. Yeah, you read that right.

Jets V. Ravens. Two ships are passing in the night on the legitness highway. The Ravens are heading towards the promisland, the Jets are heading towards a parking lot fist fight between Rex and Broadway Joe. I wonder if Suzie Colbert has a foot fetish? Ravens by 10 here.

Giants V. Cardinals. Cardinals are quietly good at home and almost always suck on the road. Giants just always suck. I like Kolb having a big day against a strong Giant front four. Cards by 4.

New England V. Oakland. Like I said , Brady will get his revenge on week 2 and Raider Nation will lament another bullshit, Brady-friendly call by a referee. Riots will ensue. Oakland burns ala San Francisco in 1906. The guy in the spiked Raider shoulder pads will be tried for arson.

#Guilty

Hypothetical Question of the Week: Who would win in a gang fight, 10 random members of Raider Nation or 10 Juggalos. Results will be released never because no one reads this and no one cares.

End of Line.

9/28 Addendum:

I forgot to write about that bullshit call in the Bears-Packers game during that fake punt return play. That is easily the best play of the year and it might end up the play of the season. A play that was phantom-ref'd. Seriously, what in the suck? Corey Graham was called for holding, tell me if you see him hold anything other than the entire Packer punt team's collective attention as Johnny Knox catches the ball up the sideline and returns the fucker for 6...sike.

The thing that sucks is that the Bears blew this play in an unwinnable game. They should have saved it, but for when. The kicker would have to kick it in the same direction--which, I suppose is an easy call when you have Hester, the best to ever return kicks in the NFL, next to you on the field. Does that mean that squibs will become routine, I'm okay with this because squibs give the Bears great field position after every kick off. This might be an advantage.

Please, Chicago, lose 12 this year. Please usher in the Jeff Fisher era in 2012. Please draft a new line. Please sign Andre Johnson next year. Please win a ring before Urlacher retires.

Baseball.

Holy shit. What a closer. Braves and Red Sox, gone. Rays and Cards, movin' on. Bodacious! I hope the Snakes and Fuckies lose in the first round so the red birds and the brew crew can square up in the NLCS. That is becoming the Midwest Sox-Yanks, Giants-Douchebags.

In the AL, Yanks-Rays in ALCS. Still like the sound of Brewers-Yanks. Yanks win again.

E.O.L.

Week 2 Blog - Karma Kameleon

2011-09-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Week 2 in the books...almost. Who gives a shit about the Rams and Giants, neither will go to the playoffs, so covering the Monday Night game is moot. But week 2 looks a lot like week 1 from the offensive perspective. The Patriots continue to WOW. The Lions and Bills could meet in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman is 2-0, compared to Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler's 1-1, placing him at the top of the "Bear Club" in the NFL. And Cam Newton will be the heir apparent to Michael Vick.

#winning

Yes, Ron Mexico himself. He's injured yet again. Then Mike Kafka came in and turned into a cockroach, orchestrating a loss that will not go down on Mexico's shoulders, who led the game before his brittle ass left in the 3rd. Let me go on the record, I like dogs and I like Vick. I can like two things independently of each other, even though to the layman, it appears that is contradictory. It's an evolved thought, deal with it.

ANYWHO, it was karma in action. The team that Vick left in his dog-fighting maylay wanted revenge in his first game back in Atlanta. He wasn't supposed to win this game. God even willed it in the third. I love dogs. I hate pit bulls.

And boy do the Patriots play flawlessly. The San Diego SuperChargers went back to skool in Foxboro today. On a side note--Ben Roethlisberger was victim to the "Tom Brady Rule" in the 2nd half of the Steelers-Seahawks game. He was okay, even came back in the game after fan favorite Charlie Batch came into the game (LOL--just kidding--everyone hates Charlie Batch). On another side note, the "Tuck Rule" could also be construed as the "Tom Brady Rule"--but Big Ben has never been one to tuck it away. See: Ben's penchant to rape.

Enough. Bullet Thoughts now.

Cam Newton. Still too legit to quit. Only Brady has more yards this year. The kid is here to stay. Watch out naysayers-who-say-nay to Heisman men just because it's sexy to do so.

Brady. Still killing it. Pats/Pack in the SB? More probable after today. Wouldn't be the first time that Brady and Co. usurped the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. The first time Brady did it, he beat the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. It all happens in cycles, ladies and jellyspoons.

Indianapolis Colts. It's like watching Steve Buscemi's limbs being put into a wood chipper, week in, week out. Who will succeed Jim Caldwell after he is fired in week 12? Bill Cowher? Gettin' too cushy in his analyst job with a flock of assholes on CBS. Jeff Fisher?No. He'll be the 2012 Chicago Bears chief. Gruden? Imagine the touchdown babies he would make with Peyton and Andrew Luck?

Bills/Raiders. Best game of a young 2011. That guy they call the Amish Rifle is legit. The Bills could beat the Pats this year. That Jackson guy is good too. My future brother-in-law says that all people that live in Buffalo are good for is digging. He might be right, the Bills dug a mass grave and threw Raider bones in it. Speaking of the Raiders, I tweeted a couple of weeks ago, the following: "With all the remakes these days, I would love to see Raiders of the Lost Ark remade. But instead of Nazis, the bad guys are the Oakland Raiders."

The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Luke McCown, the worst quarterback in the NFL. 59 yards passing/4 INTs. Why did Jax get rid of Gerrard? They might be the worst team in the NFL. That coach that looks like Al Gore who's name I forget at the moment is gonna be the defensive coordinator of the Chiefs next season. Luke McCown is all adam's apple.

Tony Romo. Nobody loves you. They just pretend.

So it goes, dudes and hoes. Pimpin' is a lot easier than previously thought and the NFL is continuing to bang and pop like Chinese firecrackers in a ghetto garbage can. I expect week 3 to be more of the same. But who will be standing after the smoke clears, it ain't even Fall yet, we have a long way to go until Brady lifts that Lombard over his cherubic head in Raymond James just before he and Jizzele book their flight for a Bora Bora Valentines getaway where Tommy will yell at her for not ordering her Starbucks fast enough. Only if chicks listened to you like a Tight End, eh Tom?

That only made sense to me.

End of Line.

9/22 Addendum: Deon Grant went down in that MNF game, I missed it. I apologize, but here is my official take. It is clear after watching the replay a half dozen times that Jacquian Williams takes a Vlade Divac-esque dive, and falls on Grant's feet and Grant stays on the ground. Sam Bradford has gone on record and said that he heard someone shout "go down" on the defensive side to slow down the no-huddle. Grant and the rest of the Giants organization vehemently deny this strange occurrence as a fake. But I don't buy it. If the Giants are going to do this kinda shit, at least respect the modern age of rewind and multiple angles by adding this to the weekly practice regiment. Maybe put Ric Flair and Bam Bam Bigalow on the payroll as special advisers, and they can teach these fools on the art of selling contact that looks and feels realistic. These guys break it down better than I can:

E.O.L.

Week 1 Blog - In the Beginning...

2011-09-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Another NFL kickoff is in the books and we learned a lot about this young season. But what we haven't learned yet is who is in the elite class--something we never know until after Halloween. This year is no different. What we do know is that there were a lot of quarterbacks in the leader boards that have no bussiness being there: Matt Stafford (118.9), Ryan Fitzpatrick (133.0, league leading), Rex-fucking-Grossman had a 110.5 pass rating and threw 0 interceptions. Rex Grossman, the star of one of the funniest demotivational posters I have ever laid eyes on:

Anyhow, I think the biggest thing we learned in this young season, on the heels of the potentially widow-making of the lockout, OFFENSE was huge. 752 total points combined of offense in week uno. I tried to find the leading stat, but I suck at finding such shit, so I'll go out on a limb and say that this opening day blew the the crepe paper open on the existing record and 2011 is going to go down as the season that the NFL finally matches Arena football in tuds...maybe.

I think this happened as a direct result of the lockout. There are so many new faces in offenses across the league Films don't exist on a lot of offences, because there are too many new looks. Plus, the players are fresh off a full spring and half summer off. Sure there were player practices, but playing scrimmage games against Ohio State doesn't match the practice facilities and resources these teams have at their disposal--their quintessential huggy-bookie. I think this fine, funky, fresh angle coupled with a lot of defensive question marks, plus the energy blast all the players got from 9/11 memorials was the reason this kickoff will be the one to compare all future kickoffs to.

Here are some things that stood out:

Injuries. Not as many injuries as the EXPERTS expected. Sure Beason is out for the year in Carolina. Stephen Jackson (injury prone much?) and Sam "Second-Coming" Bradford both left the game which allowed the dog rapist to run all over the Rams. A few bumps and bruises I say--but no huge marque guys went out. No Urlacher. No Brady. Sure you could say, "What about Manning?" Manning could have played week 1 in he had the surgery in February like a normal human--I'm talking Week 1 participants, not non-participating thong-waists.

Lights. Cam. Action. Cam Newton looked too-legit-to-quit in his NFL debut. 422 yards and 2 tuds. Carolina might be a sleeper, making the best division in the NFL even better and so much more interesting. Looking forward to all those division games, especially when Cam takes on Josh Freeman. These dudes have the potential of being the Brady-Manning of 2021.

Brady. Lights out against a pathetic Phins D. 517 yards and only 14 of those to Ochocinco? They have 18 more games to hook up before Brady holds another Lombardi over his crown, so get your popcorn ready. Wes Welker is back, ladies and germs, and that little white midget is gonna be doing a lot of that lightning-bolt, superhuman shit this season.

Detroit Lions. As Coach Parcells would say, "put away the anointing oil." They played good, but not great. Freeman almost brought the Bucs back at the end--don't go planning your post-season menu yet, Michigan.

The Rex Grossman Award...Goes to not Rex, surprisingly. I'll give it to McNabb. He sucks. The Vikings suck too.

Tony Romo. You suck too.

I hope you enjoyed week 1--it was awesome. Week 2 will be even better. Bears/Saints. Skins/Cards. Packers/Panthers. Chargers/Pats. Eagles/Falcons. Rams/Giants. Lots of 1-1 teams is my prediction.

End of Line.

9/16 Addendum. My dad told me tonight that Sebastian Janikowski tied the feild goal record. I had tuned out of the NFL after the Patriots game. That's cool. I think he is capable of breaking it some day and he's on the right team, reckless enough to let him try in these days of conservative offensive in today's NFL. I never met the guy but I dated a girl rather seriously that partied with Janikowski his rookie year in Walnut Creek. she said she blew him in the bathroom. I thought this was kinda hot because I was 26 and kinda fucked up in the head. ANYWAYS, apparently he was a notorious drunk that got laid regularly from chicks who went to Stanford, St. Mary's and Cal Berserkly. Those woman will sell your soul to satan for a sanwich. The east girls are hip, I really dig the styles they wear."

You can stop right there David Lee.

Just.

Stop.

Right.

There...

E.O.L.

Podcast: Boys Had Better Beware

2011-09-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

In today's licking of the mirror, I discuss my Tom Brady conspiracy theory, A.J. Hawk's future as a WWE wrestler, the 9/11 memorial, truth, Noel Gallagher, Red State and a bunch of other shit I can't remember.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/15696782-dc0

Forget Rodgers, give Hawk the Belt...

Puss

"I probably would have grown a mustache and started wearing a fucking cape."

Musical Guest: Girls

Podcast: So it Goes (Sportscast)

2011-09-02T01:50:00.000-07:00

Hi kids! Do you like Primus? (Yeah yeah yeah!) Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-Huh) BoD is back and it's all sports talk with a smattering of Kurt Vonnegut hot talk. Bueller?... Bueller?...Bueller?

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/15652147-5ce

See you in Hell, Beltran.

"Get yer ass to Philadelphia. I'm going to Chicago. I'll see you in the NFC championship that won't happen in early 2013. And...go suck a fuck!" Sincerely, Jeff

And the rest will follow...

Primer-y Colours

2011-07-16T02:34:00.000-07:00

The Annual Woodlake Car Show was tonight. I was walking up on Bravo Lake, no relation to the Wood in the town's name, so I am told. I could hear, in the faint distance, Buddy Holly's True Love Ways playing on an archaic sound system. I talk to Kent on the blower, he convinces me to download Afghan Whigs Black Love, I tell him about The Horrors' Primary Colours. After that convo, I come home and listen to Kid Cudi's first album and watch Keanu Reeves' Speed. I write of Heracles and a ghost world where the spirits live a romantic existence.

Sometimes I just sit and ponder life to the tune of Iceage and then I hear The Horrors’ New Ice Age plays unironically and I go bat shit crazy. The song does it to me. I settle down and have a beverage or infinity and beyond...

On the Horrors' song "Three Decades" the skinny No Wave punk tells me to forget my regrets. At this point kid, its hard to remember any regret, so mission: accomplished.

My demons visit at night, in form of night terrors and they attack to the tune of Primary Colours (the actual song - a song that is probably the most honest and beautiful remake of a Romantic Wave song, you know, the one that wasn't written in 1985 by Cocteau Twin.) These demons, fearsome snakes the lot of them, attempt to dance to the beat of the song, but I stop. I then put in a Ferris Bueller DVD and skool the alien lizards the ways of human beings in the middle of Regan's reign.

That'll teach, ‘em.

Me and the snakes from my night terror-laden brain prep a dance routine for two plus years and perform to the Primary Colors song--only the masses hear Heartbreak Beat by Psychedelic Furs so that the Horrors song doesn't leak 21 years early, that’s how real paradoxes happen--Doc Brown was wrong. Accept it.

Giving the Devil his Due when he’s Due up at the Plate

2011-07-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

That dude, Christian Lopez, the Mensch that caught Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit and turned around and gave it back to Jeets right after the game, claiming “it wasn’t his to keep” got a bill from New York Tax Board for $22,000 for the taxation on the gifts that the Jeter and the Yankee organization gave him for his generosity. The greed in this country has hit an all time low. I cannot wait to wake up, some day in the near future to the smell of my own blossoming garden, wearing clothing that my girlfriend made for me, using my own urine to line my secured parameter so that the bunnies and deer don’t nibble on my corn. No electricity because the grid has shut down. Campfires were stories of video games, movies and internet memes are regaled. My shotgun under my pillow every sundown as hounds stand watch for the zombies on the horizon.

My point is, this tax shit has got to end. In the worst recession of my generation: lawyers, politicians and bankers continue to squeeze the proverbial blood out of the turnip that is we middle class. This Lopez dude, like many in my generation, is in debt up to his casaba melon of a head. He owes 150K in loans—just to have, Timothy “my-dick-is-smaller-than-quark” Geithner, hold out his hand with a shat-swallowing grimace, using the tax laws on the books to punish a good citizen, the toast of New York City, just 4 days after he ‘made’ the income he had taxed. These guys are reptilian Satanists devoid of souls, who eat babies for brunch and rape high-schoolers (mostly males) for sport. When the tide turns, you bet your ass we’ll be inserting a spit in their asses—human centipede style—and cooking them over the open flame for all to enjoy. But in the meantime, Derek Jeter should step up the plate as he did last Saturday, and give this dude the 22K he needs to pay off these vulturious hogs who hide in the shadows like the swarmy lumps of devil jism they are.

Update: Just read that Lopez was offered 50K for all the memorabilia that Jeter/Yanks gave him, cutting his debt down 1/3. Gotta love this country—150K in the hole just to become a mobile phone salesmen. So kids, the lesson is, if you have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to catch the 3000th hit of a baseball idol—you better do it at least 3 times to be square with these leprous hobgoblins in three-piece Armanis.

Now, where is my baseball mitt?

Fuck You,Man!

G+U

2011-07-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

As the adamantium trax of the robotic death machine crushes the skulls of the human race, we survivors will all look back to early July 2011 and remember when the + entered the equation. Google+ is supposed to be revolutionary, a social networking interface that takes your existing Facebook 'friends' and populates them into your + account. I've heard that the robotic minds at Google are 'perfecting' the social network experience by allowing users to create social groups so that you can brag about seeing the trailer to the new Batman movie at Comic Con without your mom asking when you will stop with the silliness and get in the business of pushing out a mutant that looks half like you so that she can feel fulfilled in some way.

Or maybe this is just me.

In this case, maybe this new Google platform is a good thing. I often times have people commenting on FB status updates that really have no business doing so. I've had girls I went to high school with say I talk about sports too much. Tuff shit, sugar tits. I like sports. Always have, always will. To me, it makes more sense than the political sewer in Washington and the turds Hollywood churns out these strange days Jim Morrison warned us about. All I'm saying is that I think G+ is a grand idea; a social networking system that takes bits and pieces of the best things of the social networking experience and perfecting it. And if Mark loses a few scheckles because of it--it was because he couldn't hang with what will ultimately become Skynet. He's still a billionaire, opportunistic douche-nozzle that looks like he'd be more comfortable throwing babies in a bonfire at Bohemian Grove than hanging out with you.

Podcast: The New 80's

2011-05-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

In today's total eclipse of the heart, I talk up the Royal Wedding of Kate and William, the death of Binny Laden, Insidious, the weird, yet fascinating ideas of Rupert Sheldrake, the Celtics 2011 downfall, The Fighter, and why this decade is fast resembling a strange replay of the 1980's. Pull the cord, Pepe...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14763368-513

Hush...Hush...

Keep it down Now...

Voices Carry...

Podcast: Bear's Son Tale

2011-04-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

In today's symphony of destruction, I discuss the new AMC gem "The Killing," my anger after seeing "Inside Job" and my growing dissatisfaction with giving a fuck as a result. I also consciously-stream thoughts on my novel-in-waiting, the NBA playoffs, documentary suggestions, Jim Croce and a mysterious masked-wrestler. Snap into a Slim Jim...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14675545-1e4

Inside Job

The Killing

Dead Bears

Musical Guest: Foster the People

Podcast: No Worries

2011-04-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

New format. A DJ style podcast where I take the show on the road and talk about Taco Bell's faux food, Batman's sell out period, a horrible Rush Limbaugh impersonation, World War Z, the younger generation's acceptance of micro-chipping and Facebook/Google's plan to retire humanity, Barry Zito and the delusion that children have about becoming a billionaire.....so freakin' bad. When this podcast hits 88 mph, yer gonna hear some serious shit.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14591708-ff7

Musical Guests:

Royal Bangs - Fireball

Cold War Kids - Sensitive Kid

Yuck - Suck

Podcast: Opening Daze

2011-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

Feet Shoes, 2011 Baseball Season, Cloud Technology, Donnie Baseball, San Diego Douchebags in Pacific Beach, Honey Badgers, Marc Maron, Too High To Die, the Bronx Zoo Cobra, Tommy Lasorda, sunburns and Butt Fucking Egypt. They are all powerfully connected in the newest one-sided conversation that has been going on for two years straight, my dear clunges. Let Timmy Smoke.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14460676-fc4

Fake, Plastic Feet are all the rage in SoCal

Donnie in his cooler days.

Fuck You.

Brian Wilson's Epic Beard.

"The Honey Badger don't give a shit."

Musical Guest: Meat Puppets

2011-03-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

Podcast: Comfort Over Calimity

2011-03-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

In today's fancy dance, I discuss John Hughes, shitty landlords, Anthony Michael Hall facsimiles, tsunami preparation, drilling, and the return to form for Dave Grohl's pet project. This one is short and sweet...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14320146-c4d

John Hughes=The Man

"I recall Central Park in Fall..."

Tsunami Preparation Bag.

Best picture I found online of the AMH doppelgänger

#WINNING

Musical Guest: Foo Fighters

Podcast: Punch the Pheonix

2011-02-26T23:11:00.001-08:00

In today's ep, I talk Oscars, give my top 5 movies of a very heavy-ended year, Radiohead's need to get over themselves, and why Trent Reznor should win a golden statue. After that, I go off the rails as I talk about comedians and the podcast's coming 2 year jubilee. Be warned, I cuss a lot this one. Go fuck yourself, clunges.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14177163-7a4

Louis CK pOwns Donald Rumsfeld

Even Tyler Durden Loved The Social Network

Musicial Guest: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Podcast: Fight or Flight

2011-02-20T02:25:00.000-08:00

Part 3 of talking to my guru, Carl. We talk about fighting and man's yearning to fight. He shares many stories as we plumb the depths of the heart of darkness. Fair warning: This episode is not to be missed.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/14177194-d24

Master Kimble.

Carl displaying his Kick Ratio.

Carl's sliced neck.

The Kimble Boys.

Carl's picture of Danny Inosanto.

Danny and Bruce.

Bruce Lee: The One Inch Punch

Podcast: Pre-Apocalyptic Times

2011-02-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

Gone, but not forgotten. The podcast returneth for my first episode of the 2011 season. At the top of the show, I lament my Bears and Jay CutlerGate. After that, I go into dark waters as I explore Watson: the super Jeopardy! robot, the creation of democracy in Egypt, Alan Moore, something called "The Advanced Genius Theory" and ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead's new album, Tao of the Dead. The Chicago Bears...vast conspiracy theories...prog rock concept albums...it must be the Book of Drewsus...

ipod Download Link:
http://www.divshare.com/download/14094491-778

This dude sheds some much needed light on the Jay Cutler injury in the NFC Championship.

Transcendent Man: A Documentary about Futuristist Ray Kurzweil

David Icke breaks down Illuminati patterns in Washington D.C.

Wrong answer, my Dear Watson.

"The truth is, that it is not the Jewish banking conspiracy, or the grey aliens, or the twelve-foot reptiloids from another dimension that are in control, the truth is far more frightening; no-one is in control, the world is rudderless."

Musical Guest:...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

Bill Murray is Epic

2011-02-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

The Distance to Here

2011-01-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's right...the title is an obscure late-period Live album, so blow me.

What I wanted to write about tonight has nothing to do with the Bears loss to the Packers in the NFC championship game today (Pussy is a Jay Cutler - The Sulk), nor is about the episode of Jersey Shore I am currently watching (Sitch and Ronnie are cooking frozen meat on the grill at 3 in the am), instead it will be about my personal philosophy that tends to expand, broaden and change with each passing day...

I had a breakthrough recently. It's about love. Not that sappy version of love where John Cusak is holding the boom box over his head, but something even better.

Better than this?

Yeah better than that douchebag playing that horrible Peter Gabriel song on his boom box outside Diane Cort's window as Frasier's dad has nightmares about ripping off the elderly.

...but I digress...

Love is hard, and that is a good thing. Truth is, I love my girlfriend Lauren to pieces. This is the truth. Although things aren't ideal for either of us, we still are able to care and nuture each other in ways that are foriegn to me. This isn't to knock the long terms before her (or perhaps it is a bloody inditment of those said priors, nobody knows for sure). The love I feel for the girl is bar none and that I believe, my dear few readers, is someething to shout from the heavens.

I love Lauren O'Leary, the sweet Irish lass. Who knew she would have picked a German sheep in wolf's cloathing like yours truly. Maybe we'll know when Cthulu comes to town...

In Your R'lyehs

San Diego Sky 1/11/11

2011-01-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

Two Head Man!

2011-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

...my nephew

RanDumb Pix

2011-01-01T21:54:00.001-08:00

Podcast: Giant Lake Bear

2010-12-22T02:02:00.000-08:00

In today's best of times/worst of times, I recount the best year in Drewsus sports historics, lament our society's laissez-faire attitude towards Wilkileaks and I review the first film my eyes have ever beholden in IMAX celuloid, Tron: Legacy. Just give me the damn ball!!!

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/13579953-92e

The Mercurian Swing Man doing his thang!

The Beard and the Freak: The New Odd Couple

Potentially Farve's last stand.

Tron 2.0

This thing is called a "Recognizer."

Musical Guest: The Black Crowes

Podcast: Martyrs of Truth

2010-12-16T11:42:00.000-08:00

In today's total eclipse of the heart, I chat with my workbuddy Thalia--we talk about photography and Black Swan *spoilers*. I also talk about seeing an episode of Craig Ferguson, the great film directors of this generation, Wikileaks and the great fantasy films of the early 80's. Make hay and press play...

ipod Download Link:
http://www.divshare.com/download/13526729-fdc

Thalia in her natural habitat.

LO'L and I saw the Lord of Late Night.

Tour de Force

Delorian parked in front of 24.

Changing our reality as we speak...

Links:
Thalia's Tublr:
http://teahphotos.tumblr.com/

Julian Assange's Old Skool Blog:
http://web.archive.org/web/20071020051936/http://iq.org/

Ferguson's hack warm-up act, Chunky B:
http://www.mefeedia.com/video/32503841/

Musical Guest: Scissor Sisters

Podcast: Zombies and Users and Bears - Oh My!

2010-11-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

In today's ep, recorded Sunday night, I ramble on about Walking Dead, episode 5, the Tron Legacy Soundtrack by Daft Punk, the Bears beating the Eagles 31-26, ripping off other podcasters and comedians, and the newest National album. I also introduce two new segments which involves the youth of the nation and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Listen with caution...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/13378414-018>

Thalia and a friend

Take that, dogkillah!

How Daft...

The Dead continues...

CraigyFerg is the king of Late Night.

The Boys of General Narrative.

Musical Guest: The National

Podcast: Mulligan

2010-11-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

In today's messianic interlude, I discuss podcasts I like, my version of heaven, the 2010 World Series Champions--The San Francisco Giants and why The Walking Dead is the best goddamn show on television only two episodes in. Gimme some sugar, baby...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/13163681-db8

Joe Rogan and Duncan Trussell droppin' skullbabies on yer ass...

Thank God the Padres choked...

Terrence McKenna's "Time Wave Zero"

Oh yes, the dead shall inherit the Earth...

Been waiting for this since 1988...

Return of the Kings.

Podcast: Everything Under the Sun

2010-10-23T14:24:00.001-07:00

Playing catch-up here. Today's ep is about San Diego, Florida, Mad Men, Kings of Leon, parallel parking, Jersey Shore and T Mobile. My density has popped me to you...

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/12952622-d62

LO'L and I took our talents to South Beach

Musical Guest: Young Men Dead

Go Giants!

Bully, Halloween, and the Last Gasp of Rock N’ Roll (MySpace 10.22.06)

2010-10-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

Got Bully the other day, the game is awesome and all the pundits attacking it saying that it will influence children to induce debauchery in schools across the country. Mark Foley is more evil than Bully, so shut the fuck up pundits. I like the game because it's a story, it's like an interactive "Catcher in the Rye" and the Halloween stage is a blast.

Speaking of All Hallows, my favorite John Carpenter flick of the same name is on AMC as I blog this. I love the holiday as many of you know. Like Ministry said, I wish everyday was Halloween." Think how much fun it would be, all the girls in sexy outfits, sex and candy—there would be some cons—it would be hard to identify serial killers if every day were Halloween—so I guess my idea really sucks.

I downloaded the new Deftones and Trail of Dead albums, both are pretty good, but I can't help to think that 10/19/06 was the day I heard rock die. I say this because these groups are my favorites and I can sense both records will be both group's last. And nothing new is good anymore, when "Panic at the Shitsco" is the best the kids can come up with—it's all over! Everything is over!

One of these days I'll grow up and quit listening to all the new bands, quit playing video games and day dream about a Halloween utopia….but until the, I'll enjoy my time as an overgrown child. In two years, I'll be 31 and have my master's in CR….I'll grow up then. Deal Drew?

Deal...

Happiness is a Fish you CAN catch off the banks of the Jersey Shore

2010-09-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

Happiness is a silly thing. It's not just this thing that happens for us in spite of everything else. I think we co-create happiness, just as we can co-create our own bitterness, dread and need to watch Jersey Shore in spite of our best intentions.

The Situation's abs shares a birthday with...you guessed it, The Situation.

Speaking of the exploits of Ronnie, J-Woww, Sammie "The Sweetheart," Vinny, Ronnie, Snookie, Pauly D, Angelina and the Situation himself--I fuckin' love this show. The reason I love this show is because I thought I wouldn't. I thought it was low culture pulp. I was wrong. The kids on JS are A) a lot smarter than I initially thought B) have character C) are hardworking and D) have no grand illusions of their celebrity, which makes them borderline brilliant--or whoever is handling them is a genius.

I would explain myself more, but I'm tired, but enjoy this little youtube ditty I found of Michael Cera getting turned into a Guido by the cast of JS.

70's Rare Tracklist

2010-08-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

Never Say Die! - Black Sabbath
Nobody's Fault - Aerosmith
L'america - The Doors
Doolin' Dalton - The Eagles
Little Wing - Derek and the Dominos
The Loser In The End - Queen
Pacific Ocean Blues - Brian Wilson
Hey Hey What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin
Mind Games - John Lennon
Let Me Roll It - Wings
Bad Side of the Moon - Elton John
Think About Me - Fleetwood Mac
Sufficiently Breathless - Captain Beyond
Seamus - Pink Floyd
Back In N.Y.C - Genesis
In The End - Rush

Double Redwood

2010-08-13T18:49:00.001-07:00

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."
-Stephen Crane