Week 2 Blog - Karma Kameleon

Week 2 in the books...almost. Who gives a shit about the Rams and Giants, neither will go to the playoffs, so covering the Monday Night game is moot. But week 2 looks a lot like week 1 from the offensive perspective. The Patriots continue to WOW. The Lions and Bills could meet in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman is 2-0, compared to Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler's 1-1, placing him at the top of the "Bear Club" in the NFL. And Cam Newton will be the heir apparent to Michael Vick.

#winning

Yes, Ron Mexico himself. He's injured yet again. Then Mike Kafka came in and turned into a cockroach, orchestrating a loss that will not go down on Mexico's shoulders, who led the game before his brittle ass left in the 3rd. Let me go on the record, I like dogs and I like Vick. I can like two things independently of each other, even though to the layman, it appears that is contradictory. It's an evolved thought, deal with it.

ANYWHO, it was karma in action. The team that Vick left in his dog-fighting maylay wanted revenge in his first game back in Atlanta. He wasn't supposed to win this game. God even willed it in the third. I love dogs. I hate pit bulls.

And boy do the Patriots play flawlessly. The San Diego SuperChargers went back to skool in Foxboro today. On a side note--Ben Roethlisberger was victim to the "Tom Brady Rule" in the 2nd half of the Steelers-Seahawks game. He was okay, even came back in the game after fan favorite Charlie Batch came into the game (LOL--just kidding--everyone hates Charlie Batch). On another side note, the "Tuck Rule" could also be construed as the "Tom Brady Rule"--but Big Ben has never been one to tuck it away. See: Ben's penchant to rape.

Enough. Bullet Thoughts now.

• Cam Newton. Still too legit to quit. Only Brady has more yards this year. The kid is here to stay. Watch out naysayers-who-say-nay to Heisman men just because it's sexy to do so.

• Brady. Still killing it. Pats/Pack in the SB? More probable after today. Wouldn't be the first time that Brady and Co. usurped the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. The first time Brady did it, he beat the reigning world champ, an offensive juggernaught from the NFC. It all happens in cycles, ladies and jellyspoons.

• Indianapolis Colts. It's like watching Steve Buscemi's limbs being put into a wood chipper, week in, week out. Who will succeed Jim Caldwell after he is fired in week 12? Bill Cowher? Gettin' too cushy in his analyst job with a flock of assholes on CBS. Jeff Fisher?No. He'll be the 2012 Chicago Bears chief. Gruden? Imagine the touchdown babies he would make with Peyton and Andrew Luck?

• Bills/Raiders. Best game of a young 2011. That guy they call the Amish Rifle is legit. The Bills could beat the Pats this year. That Jackson guy is good too. My future brother-in-law says that all people that live in Buffalo are good for is digging. He might be right, the Bills dug a mass grave and threw Raider bones in it. Speaking of the Raiders, I tweeted a couple of weeks ago, the following: "With all the remakes these days, I would love to see Raiders of the Lost Ark remade. But instead of Nazis, the bad guys are the Oakland Raiders."

• The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Luke McCown, the worst quarterback in the NFL. 59 yards passing/4 INTs. Why did Jax get rid of Gerrard? They might be the worst team in the NFL. That coach that looks like Al Gore who's name I forget at the moment is gonna be the defensive coordinator of the Chiefs next season. Luke McCown is all adam's apple.

• Tony Romo. Nobody loves you. They just pretend.

So it goes, dudes and hoes. Pimpin' is a lot easier than previously thought and the NFL is continuing to bang and pop like Chinese firecrackers in a ghetto garbage can. I expect week 3 to be more of the same. But who will be standing after the smoke clears, it ain't even Fall yet, we have a long way to go until Brady lifts that Lombard over his cherubic head in Raymond James just before he and Jizzele book their flight for a Bora Bora Valentines getaway where Tommy will yell at her for not ordering her Starbucks fast enough. Only if chicks listened to you like a Tight End, eh Tom?

That only made sense to me.

End of Line.

9/22 Addendum: Deon Grant went down in that MNF game, I missed it. I apologize, but here is my official take. It is clear after watching the replay a half dozen times that Jacquian Williams takes a Vlade Divac-esque dive, and falls on Grant's feet and Grant stays on the ground. Sam Bradford has gone on record and said that he heard someone shout "go down" on the defensive side to slow down the no-huddle. Grant and the rest of the Giants organization vehemently deny this strange occurrence as a fake. But I don't buy it. If the Giants are going to do this kinda shit, at least respect the modern age of rewind and multiple angles by adding this to the weekly practice regiment. Maybe put Ric Flair and Bam Bam Bigalow on the payroll as special advisers, and they can teach these fools on the art of selling contact that looks and feels realistic. These guys break it down better than I can:

E.O.L.

Week 1 Blog - In the Beginning...

Another NFL kickoff is in the books and we learned a lot about this young season. But what we haven't learned yet is who is in the elite class--something we never know until after Halloween. This year is no different. What we do know is that there were a lot of quarterbacks in the leader boards that have no bussiness being there: Matt Stafford (118.9), Ryan Fitzpatrick (133.0, league leading), Rex-fucking-Grossman had a 110.5 pass rating and threw 0 interceptions. Rex Grossman, the star of one of the funniest demotivational posters I have ever laid eyes on:

Anyhow, I think the biggest thing we learned in this young season, on the heels of the potentially widow-making of the lockout, OFFENSE was huge. 752 total points combined of offense in week uno. I tried to find the leading stat, but I suck at finding such shit, so I'll go out on a limb and say that this opening day blew the the crepe paper open on the existing record and 2011 is going to go down as the season that the NFL finally matches Arena football in tuds...maybe.

I think this happened as a direct result of the lockout. There are so many new faces in offenses across the league Films don't exist on a lot of offences, because there are too many new looks. Plus, the players are fresh off a full spring and half summer off. Sure there were player practices, but playing scrimmage games against Ohio State doesn't match the practice facilities and resources these teams have at their disposal--their quintessential huggy-bookie. I think this fine, funky, fresh angle coupled with a lot of defensive question marks, plus the energy blast all the players got from 9/11 memorials was the reason this kickoff will be the one to compare all future kickoffs to.

Here are some things that stood out:

• Injuries. Not as many injuries as the EXPERTS expected. Sure Beason is out for the year in Carolina. Stephen Jackson (injury prone much?) and Sam "Second-Coming" Bradford both left the game which allowed the dog rapist to run all over the Rams. A few bumps and bruises I say--but no huge marque guys went out. No Urlacher. No Brady. Sure you could say, "What about Manning?" Manning could have played week 1 in he had the surgery in February like a normal human--I'm talking Week 1 participants, not non-participating thong-waists.

• Lights. Cam. Action. Cam Newton looked too-legit-to-quit in his NFL debut. 422 yards and 2 tuds. Carolina might be a sleeper, making the best division in the NFL even better and so much more interesting. Looking forward to all those division games, especially when Cam takes on Josh Freeman. These dudes have the potential of being the Brady-Manning of 2021.

• Brady. Lights out against a pathetic Phins D. 517 yards and only 14 of those to Ochocinco? They have 18 more games to hook up before Brady holds another Lombardi over his crown, so get your popcorn ready. Wes Welker is back, ladies and germs, and that little white midget is gonna be doing a lot of that lightning-bolt, superhuman shit this season.

• Detroit Lions. As Coach Parcells would say, "put away the anointing oil." They played good, but not great. Freeman almost brought the Bucs back at the end--don't go planning your post-season menu yet, Michigan.

• The Rex Grossman Award...Goes to not Rex, surprisingly. I'll give it to McNabb. He sucks. The Vikings suck too.

• Tony Romo. You suck too.

I hope you enjoyed week 1--it was awesome. Week 2 will be even better. Bears/Saints. Skins/Cards. Packers/Panthers. Chargers/Pats. Eagles/Falcons. Rams/Giants. Lots of 1-1 teams is my prediction.

End of Line.

• 9/16 Addendum. My dad told me tonight that Sebastian Janikowski tied the feild goal record. I had tuned out of the NFL after the Patriots game. That's cool. I think he is capable of breaking it some day and he's on the right team, reckless enough to let him try in these days of conservative offensive in today's NFL. I never met the guy but I dated a girl rather seriously that partied with Janikowski his rookie year in Walnut Creek. she said she blew him in the bathroom. I thought this was kinda hot because I was 26 and kinda fucked up in the head. ANYWAYS, apparently he was a notorious drunk that got laid regularly from chicks who went to Stanford, St. Mary's and Cal Berserkly. Those woman will sell your soul to satan for a sanwich. The east girls are hip, I really dig the styles they wear."

You can stop right there David Lee.

Just.

Stop.

Right.

There...

E.O.L.

Podcast: Boys Had Better Beware

In today's licking of the mirror, I discuss my Tom Brady conspiracy theory, A.J. Hawk's future as a WWE wrestler, the 9/11 memorial, truth, Noel Gallagher, Red State and a bunch of other shit I can't remember.

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/15696782-dc0

Forget Rodgers, give Hawk the Belt...

Puss

"I probably would have grown a mustache and started wearing a fucking cape."

Musical Guest: Girls

Podcast: So it Goes (Sportscast)

Hi kids! Do you like Primus? (Yeah yeah yeah!) Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-Huh) BoD is back and it's all sports talk with a smattering of Kurt Vonnegut hot talk. Bueller?... Bueller?...Bueller?

ipod Download Link:

http://www.divshare.com/download/15652147-5ce

See you in Hell, Beltran.

"Get yer ass to Philadelphia. I'm going to Chicago. I'll see you in the NFC championship that won't happen in early 2013. And...go suck a fuck!" Sincerely, Jeff

And the rest will follow...

Primer-y Colours

The Annual Woodlake Car Show was tonight. I was walking up on Bravo Lake, no relation to the Wood in the town's name, so I am told. I could hear, in the faint distance, Buddy Holly's True Love Ways playing on an archaic sound system. I talk to Kent on the blower, he convinces me to download Afghan Whigs Black Love, I tell him about The Horrors' Primary Colours. After that convo, I come home and listen to Kid Cudi's first album and watch Keanu Reeves' Speed. I write of Heracles and a ghost world where the spirits live a romantic existence.

Sometimes I just sit and ponder life to the tune of Iceage and then I hear The Horrors’ New Ice Age plays unironically and I go bat shit crazy. The song does it to me. I settle down and have a beverage or infinity and beyond...

On the Horrors' song "Three Decades" the skinny No Wave punk tells me to forget my regrets. At this point kid, its hard to remember any regret, so mission: accomplished.

My demons visit at night, in form of night terrors and they attack to the tune of Primary Colours (the actual song - a song that is probably the most honest and beautiful remake of a Romantic Wave song, you know, the one that wasn't written in 1985 by Cocteau Twin.) These demons, fearsome snakes the lot of them, attempt to dance to the beat of the song, but I stop. I then put in a Ferris Bueller DVD and skool the alien lizards the ways of human beings in the middle of Regan's reign.

That'll teach, ‘em.

Me and the snakes from my night terror-laden brain prep a dance routine for two plus years and perform to the Primary Colors song--only the masses hear Heartbreak Beat by Psychedelic Furs so that the Horrors song doesn't leak 21 years early, that’s how real paradoxes happen--Doc Brown was wrong. Accept it.

Giving the Devil his Due when he’s Due up at the Plate

That dude, Christian Lopez, the Mensch that caught Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit and turned around and gave it back to Jeets right after the game, claiming “it wasn’t his to keep” got a bill from New York Tax Board for $22,000 for the taxation on the gifts that the Jeter and the Yankee organization gave him for his generosity. The greed in this country has hit an all time low. I cannot wait to wake up, some day in the near future to the smell of my own blossoming garden, wearing clothing that my girlfriend made for me, using my own urine to line my secured parameter so that the bunnies and deer don’t nibble on my corn. No electricity because the grid has shut down. Campfires were stories of video games, movies and internet memes are regaled. My shotgun under my pillow every sundown as hounds stand watch for the zombies on the horizon.

My point is, this tax shit has got to end. In the worst recession of my generation: lawyers, politicians and bankers continue to squeeze the proverbial blood out of the turnip that is we middle class. This Lopez dude, like many in my generation, is in debt up to his casaba melon of a head. He owes 150K in loans—just to have, Timothy “my-dick-is-smaller-than-quark” Geithner, hold out his hand with a shat-swallowing grimace, using the tax laws on the books to punish a good citizen, the toast of New York City, just 4 days after he ‘made’ the income he had taxed. These guys are reptilian Satanists devoid of souls, who eat babies for brunch and rape high-schoolers (mostly males) for sport. When the tide turns, you bet your ass we’ll be inserting a spit in their asses—human centipede style—and cooking them over the open flame for all to enjoy. But in the meantime, Derek Jeter should step up the plate as he did last Saturday, and give this dude the 22K he needs to pay off these vulturious hogs who hide in the shadows like the swarmy lumps of devil jism they are.

Update: Just read that Lopez was offered 50K for all the memorabilia that Jeter/Yanks gave him, cutting his debt down 1/3. Gotta love this country—150K in the hole just to become a mobile phone salesmen. So kids, the lesson is, if you have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to catch the 3000th hit of a baseball idol—you better do it at least 3 times to be square with these leprous hobgoblins in three-piece Armanis.

Now, where is my baseball mitt?

Fuck You,Man!

G+U

As the adamantium trax of the robotic death machine crushes the skulls of the human race, we survivors will all look back to early July 2011 and remember when the + entered the equation. Google+ is supposed to be revolutionary, a social networking interface that takes your existing Facebook 'friends' and populates them into your + account. I've heard that the robotic minds at Google are 'perfecting' the social network experience by allowing users to create social groups so that you can brag about seeing the trailer to the new Batman movie at Comic Con without your mom asking when you will stop with the silliness and get in the business of pushing out a mutant that looks half like you so that she can feel fulfilled in some way.

Or maybe this is just me.

In this case, maybe this new Google platform is a good thing. I often times have people commenting on FB status updates that really have no business doing so. I've had girls I went to high school with say I talk about sports too much. Tuff shit, sugar tits. I like sports. Always have, always will. To me, it makes more sense than the political sewer in Washington and the turds Hollywood churns out these strange days Jim Morrison warned us about. All I'm saying is that I think G+ is a grand idea; a social networking system that takes bits and pieces of the best things of the social networking experience and perfecting it. And if Mark loses a few scheckles because of it--it was because he couldn't hang with what will ultimately become Skynet. He's still a billionaire, opportunistic douche-nozzle that looks like he'd be more comfortable throwing babies in a bonfire at Bohemian Grove than hanging out with you.