Greetings and holiday love, one and all. Not that fake ass holiday love that you get from the aggressive charity collector with the bell and the bucket in front of the supermarket, I offer you all the real shit, just like you get from Grandma.
Christmas is my favorite holiday, and not just because of the fact that you exchange gifts with loved ones, and celebrate, but because I’m aware of the original meaning behind it all.
And what would that be?
Buckle up for a good one…
Santa Claus was a magic mushroom.
What the fuck?
Yup, that’s very likely the origin of the original story of Santa Claus; a psychedelic mushroom called the amanita muscaria. I know, I know… it SOUNDS retarded, but that’s probably where it all came from.
The first time I ever heard about this, I was sitting around sacrificing the sacred plant to the fire gods with legendary hemp activist and advocate, Jack Herer, the author of “the emperor wears no clothes.”
He was telling me how he was writing a book about psychedelic mushrooms and their forgotten impact on human culture, including the idea that psychedelics were the origins of most religious experiences.
He then went on to tell me about how the story of Santa Claus was actually about magic mushrooms, but how the story had gotten distorted and forgotten over the thousands of years its been told.
Of course, my first thought when those words came out of his mouth was, “Holy shit. How high is THIS guy?”
Then I thought, “How high am I, that this is making sense?”
Well, Jack went deep into the story for me. Here’s the synopsis, in my words.
Santa Claus is bright red and white. The amanita muscaria is also bright red and white.
Santa Claus lives in the North Pole, and he has flying reindeer pulling his sleigh through the air.
Reindeer are native to Siberia, and the shamanic use of this mushroom in Siberia is well documented. Now, I know Siberia isn’t the North Pole exactly, but it’s pretty close, and the earth’s magnetic pole is actually shifting away from North America and towards Siberia.
Here’s an article about it here: http://www.livescience.com/forcesofnature/ap_051209_pole_shift.html
Also, the animal most connected with the amanita muscaria mushroom is the reindeer. It’s their favorite food, and although I’ve never talked to a reindeer, I’ve got to think eating that shit all day must get them high as FUCK.
Like, “flying” high.
Christmas trees are pine trees.
Pine trees are the trees that the amanita muscaria grows under.
They have a mycorrhizal
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mycorrhizal (which basically means non-parasitic) relationship with that plant and spruce trees.
Their shiny red and white caps blooming under the tree looks very much like the tradition of placing shiny wrapped boxes under there.
When people would pick the mushrooms they would place them on the leaves of the tree to dry them in the sun.
That would look an awful lot like when people decorate their trees with shiny ornaments.
People place red and white socks over the fireplace.
OK, first off, why red and white socks? Because again, that’s the color of the mushroom. And why do they hang it in front of the fireplace? Because that was another one of their techniques to dry the mushrooms out for storage.
Santa doesn’t come in through the front door, he hops down through the chimney, on the sneak tip, with a fat bag of goodies.
Well, when Shamanic rituals were forbidden by the rulers of the day, (which they ALWAYS eventually were, because rulers throughout history have realized over and over again that the use of psychedelic substances by their people only serves to make it more difficult to feed them bullshit, and keep them scared and stupid) the rituals didn’t immediately stop, they continued in secret, like secretly sneaking into the house through the roof with a fat bag of ‘shrooms.
Santa lived in a magical place where he was surrounded by elves.
Sounds like a tripper to me.
The idea is that the story of Santa was influenced by or created about pre-Christian Pagan Shamans. A Shaman was a psychedelic adventurer that was the man in the village who was most traveled in the world of the mysteries of the mind, and that he would lead others into this world by conducting rituals with this sacred mushroom.
Now I know to a lot of you, all this shit must SOUND insane.
It certainly did to me when I was first looking into psychedelics.
I thought of psychedelics as “drugs,” and “drugs” were for losers.
Period.
My rule of thumb when it came to “partying” was that I wouldn’t do anything that was addictive, (except drink, of course) and anything else that I would do, (like pot) I would do very, very rarely, and always feel like an idiot the next day for doing it.
Well, the truth is, that’s because I, like most of us, was a victim of propaganda. The “just say no” horseshit that was pumped down America’s throat took root in every one of us that didn’t look into the issue any further.
Our leaders and protectors got on TV and spoke early and often of this monstrous cause of illness and social woes, and they were very passionate about how they were working hard to make them even more illegal, and punish those who would profit from these horrible killers.
Meanwhile they conveniently ignored the biggest killer in the entire drug-land; cigarettes.
Those fuckers kill 400,000 people a year, every year, and you never hear a politician EVER talk about making them illegal.
When was the last time you heard about someone dying from mushrooms?
And then of course the problem comes up of “what exactly is a drug?”
Because they sure as fuck ain’t all the same.
There are some horrible, terrible drugs that turn good people into fiending insects.
But there are also substances that are lumped into that same category that provide experiences so magical, and beautiful, and enlightening that they are thought to be the very origins of religious experience themselves.
That these psychedelic substances which have never killed anyone ever can be lumped into the same group as horrible shit like methamphetamines just shows how misinformed and confused most people are.
And the fact that people aren’t up in arms about it, just shows how few people are even aware of the situation.
Let’s put it this way – to lump psychedelic mushrooms into the same group as methamphetamine is like lumping the Bible into the same group as Mein Kampf.
I mean shit; they’re both books, right?
Speaking of the Bible, the craziest story about psychedelics and religion EVER has to do with the oldest version of the Bible; the Dead Sea Scrolls.
There was this guy named John Marco Allegro, he was an Oxford scholar and a respected expert of ancient languages, and he was on the international team dedicated to deciphering the scrolls. He wrote one of the earliest books on the scrolls in 1956, and then after 14 years of study in 1970 he dropped the bombshell:
In his book, “The Sacred Mushroom and The Cross” he said he believed through his decoding of the oldest ever version of the bible, that the entire Christian religion as practiced today is originally based on an ancient cult that practiced fertility rituals, and the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms.
He believed that the stories were all in code, and that they were written down to preserve the secrets in the stories, but eventually those secret connections were forgotten, and what was left was all confused.
He even traces the word “Christ” back to an ancient Sumerian word that meant “A mushroom covered in god’s semen.”
Back then they thought that when it rained God was cuming on the earth, and when these mushrooms would magically appear from the ground after the rain, they would eat them and trip their fucking balls off.
They didn’t want anyone to know about this cool little trick, so they hid it. It was powerful, and it became a great secret.
There are also people that believe that was what the whole “halo” thing was about in religious art. The old school halo’s weren’t those golden Frisbees that you see in today’s religious depictions, they were big circles that made it look like the person had a mushroom cap on their head.
Now, I’m not saying John Marco Allegro is right, because I’m way too retarded to understand the argument completely, but it sort of makes sense to me that if you lived thousands of years ago back when they thought the earth was flat, and monsters lived in the clouds, and one day you were hungry and hunting didn’t work out so well, so you tried some of those pretty mushrooms, and you ate a ton of them… well, I could see how that could be the start of something big.
A realization of connectivity, a dissolving of the ego that brings about a fresh perspective, a transformative experience that causes you to want to create guidelines as to how we should treat our fellow humans as brothers and sisters. And it brings a message that we’re really all one, and love is the only thing that matters.
Basically, it connects you to “God.”
Or… it could just be some stoned bullshit, and the ramblings of a mad, renegade Oxford scholar. It could be that Santa, and the tooth fairy, and even the Easter bunny are real beings that actually exist, it’s just that you’re not old enough, or wise enough to know about it yet.
Really, it’s all for your own good.
I mean, how would you go about your day and act like everything is all normal when you know for sure that there’s a giant magical bunny running around the world once a year sneaking into your house and hiding eggs and shit everywhere?
Maybe that’s what a preacher reading your last rites is all about. They hover over you right before you die, and when you got about 20 minutes left, they drop the bomb on you, “I guess I can tell you now… Santa Claus is real. Say hi to God for me.”
Couldn't find an embeddable player of the best scene from Rules of Attraction (Fuck You Tube and major studios) so I did the next best and embedded a clickable link which is both pathetic and sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7POJjKRzTh8
In preparation for my decade-end lists, I wanted to talk about the underrated year of 1999--primarily because I wanted to add Magnolia, Fight Club and Madonna to my decade lists, but I couldn't because the release year didn't begin with a 20. So hear you go...
On today's episodic affair of the heart, I talk about the top 5 scariest moments in American horroruloid. It eventually leads to my own heart of darkness and what truly scares me. Below are the scenes in question--posted as a supplement to today's podcast.
In today's 'cast I explore the depths in which one former child star will sink to be on Mama Oprah's show. Plus a look at the new Cowboy's stadium and what it says about our culture. And lastly I shit on my neighbor's dogs (only in dreams!)
In today's podcast, I dissect our descent as a culture as this slimy thing called "The Jay Leno Show" is christened and sent on its maiden voyage into the dark abyss. Kanye, Serena Williams, Joe Wilson and Tom Brady are comin' along for this dark ride. Strap in, guppies!
In today's podcast, I heap praise on President Obama (for once) on his stance on education. I take a shit on the rest of the parasites in charge and reality television. I give my NFL picks for the upcoming season. And I talk about 500 days of Summer...
In today's 'cast, I discuss new media movement using Howard Stern and Michael Jordan as living models. I also discuss the twelve comedy commandments of the late, great Bill Hicks and a wee bit of football talk at the end (I kept it short for the chicks and Aaron Stueve).
On this week's show I discuss my disgust with this state's lack of empathy and my resolution of why we need human beings to work in this state again...down with the robots!!!
666. The number of that most vile and tempest beast. Lucifer! Satan! Beelzebub! Dubya! Many names for such a Carpathian Nightmare such as he, oh carrier of pitchfork and tainted souls-in-a-bag-by-his-side…..he’ll come for you all brothers, count on it, get on your knees and repent now to Rotten Denmark, for we know of your sins and dispel the waters that will cleanse you before that hour of reckoning, when Iranian missiles fall upon this flattened land of hoople-headed gluttons too mesmerized by there own navel to give a fuck about third world starvation.
Oh yes, He loves you the best of all….and your stream of conscious meditation on your love for Pringles, Marlboro Lights and Mountain Dew.
If tomorrow comes, and my love and I remain in this ghost town forever, I will know that you came and spared me into an existence into the most futile of all limbos to run naked and frolic amongst the greenery growing atop the hunks of metal, let their flame-broiled egos mongrelize the fertile Earth and let God show the way from there…..
Your sheep in gimp’s clothing,
D.A.
PS-If you give me a 4th season of Deadwood, I’ll know your aim is true.
Tonight is a sad night in the history of D.A…..for I had to end a 19 year relationship. You see, back in the Spring of ’87, while most kids were beating off to Kelly Bundy still frames on their VHS’s (I’m talking to you Donnie Darko!!), I was working my ass off (so I thought) for my Dad cutting suckers off olive trees in order to save up for a Nintendo Entertainment Center. I remember the day my mom took me to the toy store in Visalia and let me spend “my money.” My mom was so proud she bought me “Ghosts and Goblins.”
Three hours later, Punk Scott came home, as I heard the menacing sound of Iron Maiden and a beetle engine roar up the drive, he got off early from Todd’s teenage slave mill (everyone else called it the Pizza Factory)—and an hour later I was watching Punk Scott—who slept in on those spring beak days hung over when I was out toiling for my 8-Bit bliss, play my game.
Come 2 A.M. I was watching him get to the Satan Level on “GnG,” as I called that game and little did I know that a band named “GnR” was completing their Head-Banging masterpiece just 3 hours south down 99 and the 5. Revenge is mine though, I stole the very album in question from him when he went into the Navy—so who’s laughing now?
I threw my childhood in an Omaha dumpster tonight.
First Game played on my Nes: “GnG” Last Game played on my Nes: “Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest”
Your Hi-Tech Mutant,
DtotheA
PS-This is the picure of the Nintendo's sorry replacement, a $20 knock off I bought on Amazon. It's a top loader, big as a CD and only plays half my games and runs them hot. Not an adequit replacement by any means RD.
I was on a cart collection run the other day at work, and for some reason, when I go on cart runs, my mind goes on some sort of philosophical bend. In light of the Playstation 3 hysteria that has gripped the nation, I began to ponder video games of the future, more specifically, holographic realities, where you can enter an artificial environment and follow people without them getting mad—to learn their story—and it's compelling—not like the mundane existence we all share, where we go to work, watch dumb TV, message fart jokes on myspace, masturbate and dream of alien invasions where ape-like creatures inhabit the Earth's core, waiting for technology to lull us all to sleep, while they wait in the wings to initiate "Operation: Evolution part II" (I'm I the only one that dreams this?)
ANYWAYS, so the future hologram game where you follow people is kinda fucked up—it's like we will be ghosts in this gaming dimension—and who's to say we don't exist in our own gaming dimension--making the existence of ghosts a reality. See what happens when you mix Nietzsche with wine and adventures in modern technology.
I am now a cornholing (er...sorry cornhusking) Nebraskian. We got in Friday late, loosing a day on the road cuz some hot rod Mormon decided to rear end my U-Haul trailer in the deadly salt flats of Utah, just a half-hour away from Salt Lake City. It's amazing how time slows down when one is suddenly jarred to attention by a searing jolt and one looks back to see one's possessions flying in one direction, a Ford Sedan in the other.
After four hours of surnburning and dealing with Utah Troopers and tow truck drivers (one of which looked like Nick Nolte and was packing heat in case "one of dem gang bangers gets jumpy.") we were on our way to stay the night in the great metropolis of Bringam Young's utopian cream dream.
Not my idea of a good time mind you, but it could have been worse...I or my girlfriend could have been airlifted to a hospital as our families desperately sot out donors for various organs.
A collection of strange in the slave bikinis--I see some potential competition for "Solo" Leia--so watch your ass tweenie-Disney-chick-I-already forgot-the-name-of; this is your competition. Since the casting couch is now passe, maybe this is how it will all end. The winner of the Slave Leia pillow fight gets the role.
So Lucasfilm announced a couple weeks ago that it was beginning to think about filming the television show it promised us fans after Sith came out. Apparently it will focus on the 20+ year time period between Sith and New Hope. I'm sure that it will focus heavily on the rise of Darth Vader and the exile of Ben Kenobi. I'm sure a lot of emphasis will be on the rise of the empire and the persecution of the galaxy as the Darth Reich's shadow stretches to each planet in the universe. This could be cool but I doubt it will. Lucas is too much of a control freak to not be over-involved and make it a parable of the Bush-era tyranny.
This is an fucked out premise and Battlestar already did this.
I think that Lucas needs to hand over the reigns to me and get the fuck outta my way because my premise for a Star Wars series is, I believe, a solid one. I present to you: Solo.
The reason I think that Han Solo should have his own show is a simple one--he was the single best character of the original trilogy (besides Vader). Think about it, he was the best pilot, he got the best lines (laugh it up, fuzzball) and in the end, he got the girl. Yet, Solo was just on the cusp of being a secondary character, yet we get small glimpses into who he really is and why he is the way he is (mainly because the fastest mafioso slug in the galaxy has a price on his neck). And frankly, I'm sick of the Jedis being the main focus of what goes on in the Star Wars mythos. It's Han's time to shine.
Season 1: Point of Origin
Han's story should begin when he's young, dumb and full of something that rhythms with dumb. Fuck that Phantom Menace Jake Lloyd shit--I wanna see Han when he just graduates from Corellia High School--ready to take on the world. I know what you're thinking, "Corellia High, how 90210!" Well, my dear readers, I'm being facetious--I don't literally see Han in a cap and gown, glaring into the sun like John Cusack in the opening scene from "One Crazy Summer." Instead we'll catch Han entering the Imperial Academy with Wedge Antilles and Dorovio Bold where he enters the gauntlet with the best of the best, a sort of intergalactic Top Gun. Maybe I'll introduce an Ice Man to Solo's Maverick at the beginning to get the competitive blood pumping. Actually Wookiepedia already has a ready-made back story I could cherry-pick from for this first season.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Han_solo ...about halfway through the season, I'll introduce a young Wookie slave that Han ultimately saves and then is courtmarshalled and kicked out of the Academy for insubordination. This is where Han goes Solo (with his new Wookie friend, Chewbacca, who has committed a life debt to the young Corellian) and the two set out to explore the galaxy for illicit work now that Han has been stripped of any legitimacy. I see the season ending with a two hour finale that introduces a young Lando Calrissian whose freighter Han takes a shine to and that fateful hand of Sabacc when Lando loses the Millennium Falcon to Han. I would even goes as far as to make Lando seem villainous and try to kill Han after the game because that mistrust between these now friends had to start somewhere. Maybe season 1 ends with Han and Chewie narrowly escaping Lando and his android thugs from a Tatooine casino.
Season 2: Smuggler's Blues
In the second wayfarer, we find Chewie and Han evading Lando at every corner of the galaxy. Lando becomes so much of a thorn in Han's side that he enlists the protection of Jabba. The young Hutt is eager to make his name and he agrees to help Han out with not only protection but employment as well. Very quickly, Han earns the reputation as the biggest risk-taker in the smuggling ranks. Soon, be becomes Jabba's #1 mule for his intergalactic spice trade. The season is filled with high speed chases and new characters (including a love triangle between Han, Lando and some space chick (who Lando ultimately wins--which explains why Han is so protective of Leia when they are in Cloud City). There is even a pivotal episode where Chewie saves Han's life and the Wookie must make the decision to return Kashyyyk or stay with Solo. Another episode deals with the legendary story of when Solo drops a shipment of Jabba's Spice after learning what the drug does to the aliens that ingest it.
This is where my idea enters brilliance. The 2 hour finale of seson 2 will be a retelling of "A New Hope" only this time told from Han's perspective--so we're introduced to Obi-Won, Luke, Leia and the droids. I think the scene where Han mulls over returning to help Luke could be the one that wins this series an Emmy. The final scene of the season would be a shot-for-shot remake of the medal ceremony.
Season 3: Ski Hoth!
I see Season 3 as the best season--mainly because season 4 has a potential problem that I will address when I get there. I always wondered how the rebels made the transition from the forests of Yavin to the tundra of Hoth. Maybe Vader carpet-bombed Yavin and Hoth was the only option for the financially-challenged rebs. There could be a funny episode where Luke, Han and Chewie are chosen to go out and wrangle up some Tauntauns with minimal success, until Luke hones his Jedi mind control to take the beasts tame.
The final episode of season 3 would probably be the best of the series--a THREE-hour retelling of TESB from our hero's perspective. Solo will undoubtedly sweep the Emmys in 2013--with best actor in a dramactic series going to the voice of Frank Oz reprising his role as Yoda (the puppet--not the CGI green blur that does somersaults in the air). Unfortunately though, our hero will be in carbonate by the time the curtain falls on season 3.
Season 4: Blue Harvest
I know what you are thinking--WTF are you going to do with Han if he's going to be frozen in carbonite the whole season. This is a sound inquiry--but hear me out. Up to this point, even though he is the main character, we haven't gotten to know the real Han Solo. Where did he come from? Who are his parents? Why is he such a bad ass? I started to think of being frozen in carbonite as a stint in solitary confinement, where Han must face his toughest enemy yet--himself. Through a series of flashbacks inside his carbon frozen prison, Han will be forced to evaluate him life in a way he never dreamed. It will be like a flotation tank experience he can't escape from. Maybe I'll crib his life story from the Wookiepedia, or maybe it will be a big fuck off to the lore--a completely original Han Solo backstory to drop in your cranial babies. I dunno--when this bitch gets picked up by Showtime--then I'll cross that bridge.
While this is going on, Leia and Luke plan his rescue after Lando and Chewiw obviously fuck up (see: Jedi)--maybe some Jedi shit will surface in season given Solo's limitation. I dunno.
Then, for the finale--a remake of the turd that Jedi is now remembered to be. It will be different in many ways but one difference will be obvious...
NO.FUCKING.EWOKS!
In Lucas' original script, the final battle was supposed to take place on Kashyyyk--but he wussed out and inserted little teddy bears to appease his children. Don't get me wrong--I loved the Ewoks when I was 6--I even slept with my Wicket bear until I was 8 or so--but I'll save that shit for my therapist. But looking back, the Ewoks were hella fag. So we take the mulligan Lucas tried to take in Sith by putting Kashyyyk were it was supposed to be--in "Revenge of the Jedi."
Then, depending on what Showtime and the cast want to do--we can end the series here--a heartfelt episode where Han finally parts ways with Chewie, when he insists that his hairy wingwookie stay on the planet where he belongs as he and the other rebels return to space...or the series could reach into the Timothy Zahn stories...it's your call Showtime--show us the money!
The Cast:
You need a seasoned vet to play Solo--but youth is essential. The actor I have in mind looks nothing like Harrison Ford--but he's got the chops to conjure the essence of the character while at the same time, making it his own.
Ryan Gosling as
The second most important character is to cast is Lando. The guy I have in mind is known for his comedic work, but I think he has the chops and Lando was kinda funny anyways...and now the ying to Han's yang is:
Donald Faison as
Too bad Jacko didn't turn out how this magazine projected and didn't die this summer--he could have read for Lando.
Luke and Leia aren't easy casts because of their youth--and the only pool to draw from these days are dumb Nickelodeon sitcoms and Degrassi High--but after some research I have found two potential Lukes and one tentative Leia (I'm open to suggestion because I basically just picked the first cute brunette I found.
Either Jeremy Sumpter from the last Peter Pan movie
OR Jamie Johnston from the above mentioned Degrassi High fame
as
Like I said--I got lazy with Leia--the best I could come up with was this teenie-bopper chick Demi Lovato from the Disney channel. The only reason I picked her was because it said on her Wikipedia page that she loved Death Metal. Yes, I am that shallow.
as
Another revelation that occurred to me as I write this was that I didn't have to think twice about who would play Obi-Wan in the season 2 finale...
Ewan Mcgregor (in aging make-up and gray hair) reprises his role as the one, the only
Last but not least we have Chewbacca. Now I know what you're thinking--any tall dude can play "the walking carpet"--hell, Peter Mayhew reprised the role in Sith--but I want to keep in line with the young blood of the cast so far--so I came up with someone who needs a steady gig and will bring a certain jenesequa to the Wookie (mainly because he likes to dress up in public as it stands now and he's only about an inch shorter than Mayhew)
Dennis "The Worm" Rodman as
Addendum: I almost forgot the bounty hunters that would be under Lando and later Jabba's employ that Han and Chewie would eventually run into on random planets in seasons 1 and 2 (because familiarity is what will drive the show--not lame new characters that show up in books and fan fiction):
4LOM
IG-88
Zuckuss
Dengar
The penultimate Bossk (whose specialty is Wookie hunting)
And the ultimate Boba Fett
There it is my gift to the world. I would love to see this show manifest itself on my television screen. Hell, I would pay money each week to catch each new episode at the local movie theatre--it's about time the serial made a comeback anyways--if not for the kids, then for their dads...the true fans..the ones George forgot.
The Han Solo Serials. Coming to a theatre near you...
Summer 2010
The lilliwhite admiral with a cherubic face and a gilded gun returns to the NFL.
See 500 Days of Summer
