Sunday, July 26, 2009

Some Folkes call it Hell. I call it Hades... (6.6.06)

666. The number of that most vile and tempest beast. Lucifer! Satan! Beelzebub! Dubya! Many names for such a Carpathian Nightmare such as he, oh carrier of pitchfork and tainted souls-in-a-bag-by-his-side…..he’ll come for you all brothers, count on it, get on your knees and repent now to Rotten Denmark, for we know of your sins and dispel the waters that will cleanse you before that hour of reckoning, when Iranian missiles fall upon this flattened land of hoople-headed gluttons too mesmerized by there own navel to give a fuck about third world starvation.

Oh yes, He loves you the best of all….and your stream of conscious meditation on your love for Pringles, Marlboro Lights and Mountain Dew.

If tomorrow comes, and my love and I remain in this ghost town forever, I will know that you came and spared me into an existence into the most futile of all limbos to run naked and frolic amongst the greenery growing atop the hunks of metal, let their flame-broiled egos mongrelize the fertile Earth and let God show the way from there…..

Your sheep in gimp’s clothing,


PS-If you give me a 4th season of Deadwood, I’ll know your aim is true.

Ode to Old Skool Nintendo (6.21.06)

Tonight is a sad night in the history of D.A…..for I had to end a 19 year relationship. You see, back in the Spring of ’87, while most kids were beating off to Kelly Bundy still frames on their VHS’s (I’m talking to you Donnie Darko!!), I was working my ass off (so I thought) for my Dad cutting suckers off olive trees in order to save up for a Nintendo Entertainment Center. I remember the day my mom took me to the toy store in Visalia and let me spend “my money.” My mom was so proud she bought me “Ghosts and Goblins.”

Three hours later, Punk Scott came home, as I heard the menacing sound of Iron Maiden and a beetle engine roar up the drive, he got off early from Todd’s teenage slave mill (everyone else called it the Pizza Factory)—and an hour later I was watching Punk Scott—who slept in on those spring beak days hung over when I was out toiling for my 8-Bit bliss, play my game.

Come 2 A.M. I was watching him get to the Satan Level on “GnG,” as I called that game and little did I know that a band named “GnR” was completing their Head-Banging masterpiece just 3 hours south down 99 and the 5. Revenge is mine though, I stole the very album in question from him when he went into the Navy—so who’s laughing now?

I threw my childhood in an Omaha dumpster tonight.

First Game played on my Nes: “GnG”
Last Game played on my Nes: “Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest”

Your Hi-Tech Mutant,


PS-This is the picure of the Nintendo's sorry replacement, a $20 knock off I bought on Amazon. It's a top loader, big as a CD and only plays half my games and runs them hot. Not an adequit replacement by any means RD.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

You got something in your Blueteeth! (11.19.06)

I was on a cart collection run the other day at work, and for some reason, when I go on cart runs, my mind goes on some sort of philosophical bend. In light of the Playstation 3 hysteria that has gripped the nation, I began to ponder video games of the future, more specifically, holographic realities, where you can enter an artificial environment and follow people without them getting mad—to learn their story—and it's compelling—not like the mundane existence we all share, where we go to work, watch dumb TV, message fart jokes on myspace, masturbate and dream of alien invasions where ape-like creatures inhabit the Earth's core, waiting for technology to lull us all to sleep, while they wait in the wings to initiate "Operation: Evolution part II" (I'm I the only one that dreams this?)

ANYWAYS, so the future hologram game where you follow people is kinda fucked up—it's like we will be ghosts in this gaming dimension—and who's to say we don't exist in our own gaming dimension--making the existence of ghosts a reality. See what happens when you mix Nietzsche with wine and adventures in modern technology.

Are we the dying dead?

The Devil in Utah (7.19.05)

I am now a cornholing (er...sorry cornhusking) Nebraskian. We got in Friday late, loosing a day on the road cuz some hot rod Mormon decided to rear end my U-Haul trailer in the deadly salt flats of Utah, just a half-hour away from Salt Lake City. It's amazing how time slows down when one is suddenly jarred to attention by a searing jolt and one looks back to see one's possessions flying in one direction, a Ford Sedan in the other.

After four hours of surnburning and dealing with Utah Troopers and tow truck drivers (one of which looked like Nick Nolte and was packing heat in case "one of dem gang bangers gets jumpy.") we were on our way to stay the night in the great metropolis of Bringam Young's utopian cream dream.

Not my idea of a good time mind you, but it could have been worse...I or my girlfriend could have been airlifted to a hospital as our families desperately sot out donors for various organs.

Cuz I'm Mr. Brightside.

Slave Leia

A collection of strange in the slave bikinis--I see some potential competition for "Solo" Leia--so watch your ass tweenie-Disney-chick-I-already forgot-the-name-of; this is your competition.

Since the casting couch is now passe, maybe this is how it will all end. The winner of the Slave Leia pillow fight gets the role.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Han Solo Serials

So Lucasfilm announced a couple weeks ago that it was beginning to think about filming the television show it promised us fans after Sith came out. Apparently it will focus on the 20+ year time period between Sith and New Hope. I'm sure that it will focus heavily on the rise of Darth Vader and the exile of Ben Kenobi. I'm sure a lot of emphasis will be on the rise of the empire and the persecution of the galaxy as the Darth Reich's shadow stretches to each planet in the universe. This could be cool but I doubt it will. Lucas is too much of a control freak to not be over-involved and make it a parable of the Bush-era tyranny.

This is an fucked out premise and Battlestar already did this.

I think that Lucas needs to hand over the reigns to me and get the fuck outta my way because my premise for a Star Wars series is, I believe, a solid one. I present to you: Solo.

The reason I think that Han Solo should have his own show is a simple one--he was the single best character of the original trilogy (besides Vader). Think about it, he was the best pilot, he got the best lines (laugh it up, fuzzball) and in the end, he got the girl. Yet, Solo was just on the cusp of being a secondary character, yet we get small glimpses into who he really is and why he is the way he is (mainly because the fastest mafioso slug in the galaxy has a price on his neck). And frankly, I'm sick of the Jedis being the main focus of what goes on in the Star Wars mythos. It's Han's time to shine.

Season 1: Point of Origin

Han's story should begin when he's young, dumb and full of something that rhythms with dumb. Fuck that Phantom Menace Jake Lloyd shit--I wanna see Han when he just graduates from Corellia High School--ready to take on the world. I know what you're thinking, "Corellia High, how 90210!" Well, my dear readers, I'm being facetious--I don't literally see Han in a cap and gown, glaring into the sun like John Cusack in the opening scene from "One Crazy Summer." Instead we'll catch Han entering the Imperial Academy with Wedge Antilles and Dorovio Bold where he enters the gauntlet with the best of the best, a sort of intergalactic Top Gun. Maybe I'll introduce an Ice Man to Solo's Maverick at the beginning to get the competitive blood pumping. Actually Wookiepedia already has a ready-made back story I could cherry-pick from for this first season.

...about halfway through the season, I'll introduce a young Wookie slave that Han ultimately saves and then is courtmarshalled and kicked out of the Academy for insubordination. This is where Han goes Solo (with his new Wookie friend, Chewbacca, who has committed a life debt to the young Corellian) and the two set out to explore the galaxy for illicit work now that Han has been stripped of any legitimacy. I see the season ending with a two hour finale that introduces a young Lando Calrissian whose freighter Han takes a shine to and that fateful hand of Sabacc when Lando loses the Millennium Falcon to Han. I would even goes as far as to make Lando seem villainous and try to kill Han after the game because that mistrust between these now friends had to start somewhere. Maybe season 1 ends with Han and Chewie narrowly escaping Lando and his android thugs from a Tatooine casino.

Season 2: Smuggler's Blues

In the second wayfarer, we find Chewie and Han evading Lando at every corner of the galaxy. Lando becomes so much of a thorn in Han's side that he enlists the protection of Jabba. The young Hutt is eager to make his name and he agrees to help Han out with not only protection but employment as well. Very quickly, Han earns the reputation as the biggest risk-taker in the smuggling ranks. Soon, be becomes Jabba's #1 mule for his intergalactic spice trade. The season is filled with high speed chases and new characters (including a love triangle between Han, Lando and some space chick (who Lando ultimately wins--which explains why Han is so protective of Leia when they are in Cloud City). There is even a pivotal episode where Chewie saves Han's life and the Wookie must make the decision to return Kashyyyk or stay with Solo. Another episode deals with the legendary story of when Solo drops a shipment of Jabba's Spice after learning what the drug does to the aliens that ingest it.

This is where my idea enters brilliance. The 2 hour finale of seson 2 will be a retelling of "A New Hope" only this time told from Han's perspective--so we're introduced to Obi-Won, Luke, Leia and the droids. I think the scene where Han mulls over returning to help Luke could be the one that wins this series an Emmy. The final scene of the season would be a shot-for-shot remake of the medal ceremony.

Season 3: Ski Hoth!

I see Season 3 as the best season--mainly because season 4 has a potential problem that I will address when I get there. I always wondered how the rebels made the transition from the forests of Yavin to the tundra of Hoth. Maybe Vader carpet-bombed Yavin and Hoth was the only option for the financially-challenged rebs. There could be a funny episode where Luke, Han and Chewie are chosen to go out and wrangle up some Tauntauns with minimal success, until Luke hones his Jedi mind control to take the beasts tame.

The final episode of season 3 would probably be the best of the series--a THREE-hour retelling of TESB from our hero's perspective. Solo will undoubtedly sweep the Emmys in 2013--with best actor in a dramactic series going to the voice of Frank Oz reprising his role as Yoda (the puppet--not the CGI green blur that does somersaults in the air). Unfortunately though, our hero will be in carbonate by the time the curtain falls on season 3.

Season 4: Blue Harvest
I know what you are thinking--WTF are you going to do with Han if he's going to be frozen in carbonite the whole season. This is a sound inquiry--but hear me out. Up to this point, even though he is the main character, we haven't gotten to know the real Han Solo. Where did he come from? Who are his parents? Why is he such a bad ass? I started to think of being frozen in carbonite as a stint in solitary confinement, where Han must face his toughest enemy yet--himself. Through a series of flashbacks inside his carbon frozen prison, Han will be forced to evaluate him life in a way he never dreamed. It will be like a flotation tank experience he can't escape from. Maybe I'll crib his life story from the Wookiepedia, or maybe it will be a big fuck off to the lore--a completely original Han Solo backstory to drop in your cranial babies. I dunno--when this bitch gets picked up by Showtime--then I'll cross that bridge.
While this is going on, Leia and Luke plan his rescue after Lando and Chewiw obviously fuck up (see: Jedi)--maybe some Jedi shit will surface in season given Solo's limitation. I dunno.
Then, for the finale--a remake of the turd that Jedi is now remembered to be. It will be different in many ways but one difference will be obvious...


In Lucas' original script, the final battle was supposed to take place on Kashyyyk--but he wussed out and inserted little teddy bears to appease his children. Don't get me wrong--I loved the Ewoks when I was 6--I even slept with my Wicket bear until I was 8 or so--but I'll save that shit for my therapist. But looking back, the Ewoks were hella fag. So we take the mulligan Lucas tried to take in Sith by putting Kashyyyk were it was supposed to be--in "Revenge of the Jedi."

Then, depending on what Showtime and the cast want to do--we can end the series here--a heartfelt episode where Han finally parts ways with Chewie, when he insists that his hairy wingwookie stay on the planet where he belongs as he and the other rebels return to space...or the series could reach into the Timothy Zahn's your call Showtime--show us the money!

The Cast:
You need a seasoned vet to play Solo--but youth is essential. The actor I have in mind looks nothing like Harrison Ford--but he's got the chops to conjure the essence of the character while at the same time, making it his own.

Ryan Gosling as

The second most important character is to cast is Lando. The guy I have in mind is known for his comedic work, but I think he has the chops and Lando was kinda funny anyways...and now the ying to Han's yang is:

Donald Faison as

Too bad Jacko didn't turn out how this magazine projected and didn't die this summer--he could have read for Lando.

Luke and Leia aren't easy casts because of their youth--and the only pool to draw from these days are dumb Nickelodeon sitcoms and Degrassi High--but after some research I have found two potential Lukes and one tentative Leia (I'm open to suggestion because I basically just picked the first cute brunette I found.
Either Jeremy Sumpter from the last Peter Pan movie

OR Jamie Johnston from the above mentioned Degrassi High fame


Like I said--I got lazy with Leia--the best I could come up with was this teenie-bopper chick Demi Lovato from the Disney channel. The only reason I picked her was because it said on her Wikipedia page that she loved Death Metal. Yes, I am that shallow.


Another revelation that occurred to me as I write this was that I didn't have to think twice about who would play Obi-Wan in the season 2 finale...

Ewan Mcgregor (in aging make-up and gray hair) reprises his role as the one, the only

Last but not least we have Chewbacca. Now I know what you're thinking--any tall dude can play "the walking carpet"--hell, Peter Mayhew reprised the role in Sith--but I want to keep in line with the young blood of the cast so far--so I came up with someone who needs a steady gig and will bring a certain jenesequa to the Wookie (mainly because he likes to dress up in public as it stands now and he's only about an inch shorter than Mayhew)

Dennis "The Worm" Rodman as

Addendum: I almost forgot the bounty hunters that would be under Lando and later Jabba's employ that Han and Chewie would eventually run into on random planets in seasons 1 and 2 (because familiarity is what will drive the show--not lame new characters that show up in books and fan fiction):





The penultimate Bossk (whose specialty is Wookie hunting)

And the ultimate Boba Fett

There it is my gift to the world. I would love to see this show manifest itself on my television screen. Hell, I would pay money each week to catch each new episode at the local movie theatre--it's about time the serial made a comeback anyways--if not for the kids, then for their dads...the true fans..the ones George forgot.

The Han Solo Serials. Coming to a theatre near you...

Summer 2010

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Jie Ants (MySpace 2.4.08)

You could have told me anything. That the world would end. That Tom Petty would light another joint on the phallic heart/guitar stage, and the media would dub it "Weedgate." You could have told me that W was unable to attend (still convinced that he and bill Belichick are the same douche—kind of like how Superman and Clark Kent are never in the same room, at the same time). You could have told me that Hillary would have given Tom Brady a lap dance right after that hick Bradshaw handed him the Lombardi (a creative way to get more votes in the East for the impending Super Tuesday, me thinks). I would have believed it all…

Instead, my mind chose an alternate path, like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books I used to buy at Linda's Used Bookstore in Visalia on lazy Saturdays in the 80's. At the bottom of the page it said, "If you want Tom Brady to throw the game-winning touchdown to Randy "Bridgestone Tread-head" Moss, turn to page 69. If you want Eli Manning to hit Plexico Burress in the end zone with a little floaterpass that is carried through the Arizona night by an invisible cherub, turn to page 96."

For shits and giggles, I turned to 96. And I saw the most awesome play in Super Bowl…scratch that…playoff hist…no…NFL HISTORY. I think the Gods of Manning propelled the young Eli out of the crux of certain doom, as he scrambled to his right, out of the grasp of the almighty Patriot clutches and threw a frozen rope at David Tyree.

Rodney "Vander-jerk" Harrison was sexually molesting Tyree, as the two winged knights of East Coast football, jumped…nay..flew in the air for the pigskin. Both had their hands on the ball, at it cradled on that little plastic bullring on the top of the facemask of Tyree's helmet. Tyree lost control about eight times by my count in the span of 2 seconds as Harrison pulled his body down in a WWE posture, forcing Tyree to do an inverted suplex as he hit Cardinal terra firma with the ball in his hands. It was nothing short of a miracle.

I was glad those lilywhite knights of silver Patriotism fell last night. A come-uppance was on New England horizon. But I didn't expect it…nay…I didn't believe it. I had to pinch myself when the realization came back to me half a dozen as I watched "Superbad" (over-rated) post game.

The New York Football Giants are Super Bowl XLII Champions

I couldn't believe it. I shouldn't believe it. No one believed it was a possibility. Even Eli. You can actually see him mouthing the words, "What in the fuck?" as he hoisted the trophy over Bradshaw's bald head. Tom Coughlin smiling like a sonofabitch (I read he only allows himself one smile on the leap year, he cashed in a month early).

I believe that Bill Belichick is really the devil's minion. I believe that Junior Seau wasn't meant to be fitted for a championship ring. I believe I saw Jeremy Shockey was wasted in a box seat sometime during the fourth quarter. I believe that the Patriots were the closest thing we'll see to perfection in this lifetime. And I believe, through all the horse-shit he's gone through with "Bootgate" and dumping his pregnant girlfriend in favor of a hot Euro-model, Tom Brady, that quintessential all-American boy, even in a loss (the worst loss in the modern era)—still gets to go home and bang the beejesus out of said model.

I believe that football can save your soul if you let it.

Feel the burn, Patriots. Feel the burn.

My Dystopian Summer (MySpace 5.13.07)

So, given the state of the world these daze, I thought I'd tackle a growing genre of film an literature for my master's thesis. I'm unsure what angle I'll hit, but my reading list is phenomenal—I was amazed at not only the amount of dystopic lit—but the broad range of social issues it magnifies.

I'm reading Stephen King's (Or is it his hillbilly alter-ego, Richard Bachman?) "The Long Walk," the story of a reality show in a strange future where teenage boys are made to walk from Maine to Boston until the last one is standing. If they stop, they get a warning. If they get three warnings in an hour, their get a bullet in the skull. I was amazed to read that King wrote the majority of the novel when he was a college freshman—that man owns me in every literary context.

When I finish that one, I'm gonna read "Ecotopia," a fantasy in which California, Oregon and Washington secede from the union and bare visitors from their three-state hippy-commune where everyone recycles, lives in log cabins and commutes to work by bike or monorail system.

Then, I'll read Koushun Takami's "Battle Royale," a Japanese novel about a bunch of high-schoolers sent to an island to participate in a reality show where they kill one another off . It's kind of an updated "Lord of the Flies" and the author is said to be greatly inspired by King's book.

It's hard to say why dystopians are so intriguing to me. I guess I've always had an interest in them, even when I was a kid. The thought of a bleak future is always on the horizon—9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Virginia Tech, Saddam hanging from the rafters—maybe America is in a dystopic flux. A world of chaos and disorder. Maybe the end is near? Can you feel it? Smell it? Taste it?

I'm lost in this world I create…

Pictures that Scare even Me!