Sunday, February 8, 2009

Part III: Aquaman

By now, my darling readers, you have heard about the current controversy surrounding 14-time gold medal winner Micheal Phelps. If your head has been buried in the sand over the last two weeks, let me give you an update.

Phelps was at a South Carolina college party where kids were drinking, eating foods made of 50% high fructose corn syrup and engaging in sex with people they don't really like in the real world; college parties are weird like that. Undoubtedly, after Phelps rolled off some co-ed's bed after having sex with her and her roommate, he exited the scene with a bottle whiskey in his hand. Kanye's "Gold Digger" was bumping, the party was jumping and Phelps was slowly coming to the realization of the charmed life he was leading. He was living the dream of every 23 year old male in America. He was big man on a campus he didn't even attend. He's the last great American hero.

The story is speculation to this point. What we do know and what everyone has their panties in a bunch about what happened next. Some hesher, no doubt a white guy in dreadlocks wearing his dad's old Jimmy Buffet shirt, presented Phelps with the peace pipe he called "Iceburgh." With orgasmic endorphins and southern comfort clogging his sense of "good judgment," Phelps took a rip from the pipe that the hesher would later rename "Aquaman" in Phelp's honor. Soon after, the paranoia took ahold and Phelps exited the scene, contemplated the end of the world and fell asleep on a friend's futon.

A couple days later, a photo surfaced on the web--a British tabloid site pronouncing, "What a Dope" next to a picture of Phelps sucking fog from the former "Iceburgh" with the lungs of a human fish. Let the shit storm begin...

Two schools of though are represented in the argument over the Phelps issue--those who want to see the Northern Lights available at Trader Joe's and those who want to see canibus cannibalized. Phelps has become the reluctant martyr, who wants to appease to the straights who appear to be the majority and appeasing to his generation--the generation that will legalize the herb when we get our hands on the reigns...if we get our hands on the reigns.

But pressure from straight society has pushed three issues to the forefront. One is South Carolina's back and forth argument on whether to press charges against Phelps (which they shouldn't--see Secondly, the Olympic committee suspended Phelps from the pool for a couple months (which has made Phelps admit publicly that he his questioning his dedication to the sport as a result--good job Olympics, you just pissed off your cash cow/poster boy for the 2012 games.) And thirdly, Kellogg's has said that they will not be renewing his endorsement contract because he smoked some Weedies.

Okay Kellogg's, you can stop with this holier than thou approach to your commitment to your customer's sensibilities. This company probably contributes more to children's diabetes than any other evil corporation in America. Also, how much money do you think you make on stoners getting high and gorging on pop tarts and rice crispy treats. Get ready to take a hit for your spokesperson taking a hit as a result, you assholes! Not only has the economic downturn spiked your price to hell--think about all the militant potheads that will be consciously buying products from Post and General Mills INSTEAD of your obesity in a bowl. (Incidently enough, upon wiki research for this post, I found that breakfast cereal was invented and perfected in two different sanitariums in the U.S. In fact, Charles "Chaz" William Post was an inmate at a Battle Creek facility where he made his most significant contribution--further proving that most of America's best ideas came from minds of madness. I wonder if these guys smoked weed--or perhaps they should have.)

ANYHOW, what was I talking about? Oh yeah--the ripple effects of this incident are uncovering attitudes that divide us on the marijuana issue. Hopefully we're heading towards a tipping point--where we finally legalize this silly little plant that makes people contemplate how evil the world truly is. Perhaps, the ulterior motive is to keep it illegal so that people won't be able to see things as the way they are?

Perhaps indeed, Drewsus...

The moral of the story: This isn't the 80's anymore. Nancy Regan telling Arnold on Diff'rent Strokes to say no to drugs worked--but the generation that was brain-washed into believing that smoking truth was evil has come to our collective senses--and we're scratching our heads as to why this was--how did we get from the summer of love to Diff'rent Strokes? I'm still confused...but I kinda get it at the same time.

Bottom Line: There is a lot of money to be made on the dumbing-down of things in this country, our collective disagreement on these laws are no exception.

PS - And whoever took the picture of Phelps taking the b-load--a pox on your house!!!

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