Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Week 9 Blog: The Search for the Week 8 Blog

Life caught up to me and I was unable to write the week 8 blog, please forgive me, dear readers, for I too must evade the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

It's about to get ugly.

This Ugly.
When Novemeber's cool Autumn breeze sends the shivers up California's vast vertebrae, it is at that moment you know that the NFL is heating up. It is at this moment of the season that the gap between the pretenders and the contenders widen like the cold, bitter waters of the Atlantic. The Bills, Patriots, Jets, Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Texans, Titans, Raiders, Chargers, Chiefs, Giants, Cowboys, Bears, Lions, Packers, Falcons, Saints, Bucs, and 49ers are all in the picture with records of .500 or better, some stronger than most, mind you--but the playoff picture is a nice mix of favorites, old war horses and bright newcomers. It's hard to pick favorites, but in this era of parody, the last two months of the season not only usher in the cold weather, but perennial match-ups with heavy playoff implications--far sooner than we as fans are used to. In the coming holidaze, the weak will be pulled away from the chaff like a turkey leg from a Turducken's torso. ORV, four wheel drive, bullet points the size of Matzah Balls!
  • Torrey Smith. Redemption is one of the reasons why we love this game so. Early in the Pittsburgh/Baltimore rubber match, rookie WR Torrey Smith was called for holding during a big Ray Rice TD run in the first, a penalty that cost the Ravens O the big score. Then in the fourth, Smith dropped two Flacco frozen ropes, one ball that would have put the team up, deep in the quarter. But the rookie shook it off and caught the game-winning tud with literally seconds on the clock. I like Smith and I like the Ravens. This season-sweep of the Steelers is a statement and this puts them in the driver's seat in the AFC in this blogger's opinion. And I love that Terrell Suggs mutherfucker, he's like a more sinister Brian Wilson in interviews. This team feel Super bound this year.
  • Pats/Giants. As great as I want the Patriots to be, they just aren't. For the second year in a row, Belichick has dropped the ball on his defense. Is he losing his touch? Wasn't he a big defensive egghead back in the day? This loss to the Giants in New England is unforgivable. The Giants are never as good as they appear, maybe the biggest example of a paper dragon in the NFL--but they have one thing in their respective quiver: Tom Brady's number. This is a sign. Another short postseason for the Pats is all but probable. The Pats D needs to improve next year, or the rumbling around Belichek's tenure in Boston will be the big question in 2012.
  • Tebow Vs. Palmer. I finally had the chance to sit down and see this Tebow kid in action. It ain't pretty, but the fucker brings an energy to the huddle that rivals the big rookies this year. Maybe this is a shift in the position. Young players with leadership-skills that are NFL ready in their first or second years. Look at Cam and Big Red Daulton. Look at Luck in Indy. All I am saying is that I love Tebow's ugly ass game because it pisses everyone off so much. He plays the position like a young Jim Thorpe in a leather helmet. Palmer, on the other hand, played better, but is still averaging 3 Ints a game. This is problematic for the Raiders post-season hopes, which will continue to dwindle in the last half of the season. Do we really need an AFC West division leader in the playoffs this year? If so, I hope Tebow's Broncos rise out of the west like a phoenix and simultaneously shut all the haters the fuck up in the process.
Jim Thorpe is Hella Pissed
  • Aaron Fucking Rodgers. 2011 M.V.P. Making Brady's 2007 season look like Pop Warner pulp. Will somebody please beat this team?
  • Buffalo Bills. It might be premature, but I kinda feel this team is a bit overrated. I like the Amish Rifle and Fred Jackson, I think they are the rightful heirs to the Kelly-Thomas throne in Buffalo, but they might be a year away from the playoffs. The way things are playing out in the AFC West, don't be surprised if it's a winner-takes-the-division game on New Year's game versus the Pats. The Pats will avenge their week 3 loss and send the Bills home early to shovel their walks.
  • Andy Daulton. Cam has the flash, the numbers, the accolades, the Heisman, the national championship, the forecasted franchise tag and all the tangibles of a future league star. One thing he doesn't have, a winning record. Andy Daulton has the Bengals tied with 2 AFC behemoths. That in itself is reason to give Big Red the year's best yeoman honors.
  • The Rex Grossman Award...goes to Curtis "Don't call me Cobain" Painter. 13/27 for 98 yards and an Int is painting a pathetic picture for an unstable and emotionally checked-out Indianapolis club. Can this team win? Maybe if Manning gets in there, which I doubt. The team will string a couple of wins together, but it won't be enough to save Caldwell's stoic ass. Who's the coach next year? Fisher? Gruden? Cowher? Manning? Time will tell as the most pathetic team of 2011 will be the biggest offseason story in 2012 when Luck enters the Colts' stratosphere. Don't be surprised if Manning doesn't lace up cleats for the Jets next year. You read that right.
  • Da Bears. My team is officially a dark horse with a favorable schedule coming down the stretch. Don't worry, the anointing oil is safe in pirate's chest at the bottom of Lake Michigan, but I couldn't help but feel goose bumps as the Bears downed the Eagles (and their playoff chances) last night. If they take down the Lions (coming off a bye week, the kiss of death for lots of teams this year), I really like their chances t draw a wild card because this team has no chance at catching the Packers and their well-oiled offensive machine.
Week 9 Predictions:

Raiders V. Chargers. Let's face it, neither team is very good. I feel like Jackson coaches better than Turner and that will be a factor here, home feild will not. This is the game that Palmer should be making his first start in, in my opinion, but maybe the rust has been knocked off in the form of 6 Ints in two games. Jani-cow-ski will kick an 85 yard game winner as time expires. At this point, is there a difference between Romo and Rivers? 23-21

Aintz V. Phalkonz. This is a very telling NFC South match-up. The biggest questions: are the Saints as good as we think they are and are the Falcons as bad as we think they are. The results will answer the question and will propel each team into their appropriate story arc for the second half of the year. This is this week's featured stay-away game.

Stealurz V. Bangalz What a match-up. I will say this, the Bengals are consistent this year, riding high on a 5-game win streak, the longest in the AFC. The Steelers played a tough game against the Ravens last week, a game that came down to who had the ball last, as it should have. The Steelers are looking to gain some ground in the North and I think they're gonna smack Daulton and the black stripes in the mouth, winning big in a statement game. 35-11

Billz V. Boyz.

Toroz V. Buccoz. Brian Cushing is coming after my Joshy. My Joshy won't have any place to hide from the biggest narcissist in the NFL. The Toro offense is pretty good too. Are the Toros the most balanced team in the league? Albert Haynesworth and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers don't stand a chance. 29-14

Lyonz V. Barez. I'm too close to this one. My preseason hypnosis dream of a 6-10 season won't happen. Jeff Fisher will be coaching the Rams next year, taking the team back to L.A. Jeff will be a great Los Angeles football God. Payton Manning will be his QB in the 2014 Super Bowl. Bears by 2. 17-19

Jieants V. Phor-t 9erz. Love this match-up, day I say, game of the week? I dare. Niners shock the world and bury this inconsistent paper tiger, 31-10.

Paytreeaughts V. Gentz. Tired of this lame-ass, pseudo-rivalry. They are both struggling, but the Pats are always capable to turn the ship around like no other. I really hate the Jets so I hope Brady can get it going and control the game. Do the Giants have the Pat's number? Pats win, 33-2-15

Packerz V. Vykings. Sike!!

End of Line.

11/10 Addendum.
This Joe Paterno scandal is the NCAA equivalent to Watergate. Did you know that Penn State tried to fire Paterno in 2004 and he flat refused to go? What balls to know that your figureheadum is that powerful, Hitler had that kind of confidence. Not to compare Joe Pa to Hitler, but if mustache fits...

This news has rocked the Penn State campus. Last night, there was riots, police and drunken frat boys screaming, "We want Joe!" Why don't they just chant, "Little boys asses are nice to touch?" It's a goddamned shame that it came down to this, the end of a legend, 61 years in the making. My dad was 4 when Joe Pa started coaching at Penn State. My dad falls asleep at odd moments. But, the University had to make a call and they made the right one from a litigation standpoint. Joe fucked up by keeping quiet about Sandusky's penchant for late night showers.

An angle we need to consider is the man. Joe Paterno is from another era. In his heyday, I'm sure he ate steak and whiskey for the majority of his meals. I'm sure he smoked and made inappropriate remarks towards women. I guarantee Joe had no idea there was a breed of man that liked to shower with lads in 1965, that is beyond his wheelhouse of a possibility. 1965 Joe Paterno is no differnt from 2002 Jo Paterno, as far as his mindset goes. When he was told by a graduate assistant what he saw in the shower room, Joe's mind couldn't grasp the notion. It's not that Joe Paterno has a black heart, far from it. Joe Paterno is a product of his era, an era that ended 30 years ago.

The day and age we live is different than the one Paterno continues to live in. We know pedophilia like we know the Swifter, Snooki or the Illuminati. Sadly, it's common knowledge. I blame Chris Hansen. But Joe Pa has been living in the 60's for the past 40 years. This is the Head Coach syndrome, always living in the glory days and making it the life mission to keep chasing that dragon. I'm sure that his reaction to this horrible news was not unlike my reaction when I read the summary for "The Human Centipede: First Sequence" for the first time--he probably vomited in the nearest trashcan, curled up in a fetal position and pushed the information so far into the recesses of his skull, tackled and buried by the X's and O's of the Spread HD. He quickly reported the news to his superior, took a Silkwood shower and fell asleep in his theatre, watching the 1987 Fiesta Bowl for the 982nd time. The next day, it was 1968 again and all was right in Joe Pa's world.

I think it is a shame, though, that the Penn State student body took their "anger" to the streets. I guarantee the idea to to this seeded in the dorm rooms and frat houses of drunken neanderthals, looking for "legitimate" reasons to act like buffoons in public. It's an American tragedy that the media were all over the Penn State riots last night, when on the west coast, this happened in Berkeley yesterday. And we hear nary a buttfucking word!

No comments: