Sunday, October 9, 2011

Week 5 Blog: Posthumous Al

Ding dong, the most infamous of the AFL brainchildren is dead and you should be sad. Even if you hate the Raiders. Especially if you hate the Raiders. Al loved it when people hated his team, in fact he reveled in it. He's was a lot like Marilyn Manson that way.

My candidate for the next Owner/F├╝hrer of the Oakland Raiders.

Okay, maybe it is a stretch to compare Al Davis to Manson...or Hitler for that matter. There is a degree of evilness in all three and Al Davis was closer to the Hitler spectrum of evil (i.e. Real Evil) than to the Manson spectrum (i.e. Fuckin' weird, but not real evil). Not to say Davis was evil, but he was as corruptible as the next guy and he took his chances in a time when men did so. He was a true entrepreneur, and he did it with hard work and his memory is to be connected to that.

As tomorrow roles around, more talk will happen. Will the Davis family sell? Is Marilyn Manson in the market for an NFL team? Does the franchise see this as their Castro moment? Do you sell to the Hell's Angels? These are all logical questions as we enter the Week 5 blog.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is what you'll drink tonight!
  • Eagles and Vick. Stick a spork in 'em, they're done. If this is the Dream Team, it's time to wake up. Maybe Andy Reid's time is up, like Terry Francona and Jeff Fisher before him. Maybe this Eagles team needs another voice in the locker room. Andy can coach KC next year--they have killer BBQ to continue to block the arteries where the cheese steaks left off. They do have a favorable schedule down the stretch, but maybe they should lose out and hope they get Luck-y in the draft. Micheal Vick is not a leader.
  • New York Giants. Just when you think that they might have something going: defense is healthy, Eli playing consistently and the running game is adequate, they lose to the Seahawks. This is the paradox with this team. They can string a couple of good games together and just lose to a loser by 10 or more. This keeps them out of the serious contention on the Power Rankings week-in, week-out. The only time we looked at them as elite team was in 2008 after they stole the crown from the Pats. Then they lost a divisional to the Eagles in a forgettable game. The Giants are who we think they are and that's the problem. Keep making that face, Eli. Just. Keep. Making. That. Fucking. Face.
This is the face I speak of.
  • Jets. Done.
  • 49ers. Look really good after a week 5 demolishing of a really good Buccaneers team. Alex Smith continues to impress me this year. Maybe he needed a coach who could empathize with him. Jim Harbaugh is that cat. He's my underdog pick to win coach of the year. If the Niners keep this up, they will win the West uncontested and will get to the Divisional game. I like this team, even though I hate them.
  • Tebow. It's time to pass the the torch. Kyle Orton is too old too rock. Tebow~time to goooo!
  • The Rex Grossman Award... goes to Josh Freeman, my former lover. He could do nothing against a strong San Francisco defense. Maybe this is the cold quality that the experts speak to in Freeman's game. I dunno. No tuds though for the entire team. They were the only team that registered a single digit score in the match-ups yesterday. Arena league, ladies and germs.
  • Houston Texans. Mario Williams out for the year. Andre Johnson done for awhile too. Losing to the Raiders on Al Davis week is a harbinger of doom. Texans not gettin' into the postseason again. Gary Kubiak will be the offensive coordinator for the Bucs next season.
  • Tony Romo. The bye week won't save you from the suckiness that correlates with the name that's printed on your locker, fella.
Key Matchups and Predictions.

Panthers V. Falcons. The Falcons are falling apart and Cam Newton has got to win soon. Two semis are passing in the night on the I-85--I like Cam to throw a game winner in a 24-21 squeaker.

Eagles V. Redskins. The Eagles need to rebound here against a familiar foe. I think Andy Reid will have them back on track against the Skins. I see a blowout, 34-10. Rex Grossman will rightfully retain his award this week.

Bills V. Giants. Who is the best team in the state of New York? This game will determine it. I like the Bills, but they don't play strong on the road and the Giants are coming off a loss to the dismal Seachickens. I like the Giants by 10.

Niners V. Lions. This is one of those games that looked whatever on paper in the preseason, but oh have the tides turned in the NFC. These two teams might see each other again in the playoffs and may god have mercy on the soul of H.P. Lovecraft if they do. This is this week's "stay away."

Texans V. Ravens. The Texans have the most uninspired name in all of professional sports. This was the list to choose from in 2000: Appollos, Bobcats, Stallions, Texans, Toros, and Wildcatters. At least they didn't choose Wildcatters, that would have been an epic fail. Unless they started using the Wildcat offense then it would be upgraded to mediocre. I kinda like Appollos--but the rest are shitty. Toros is not a team to be taken seriously. Maybe we can call them Toros until they prove they belong in the league. Ravens, on the other hand, might be the best name in professional sports, a literary allusion to Poe's most famous poem. You might ask, "Why Edgar Allan Poe? He wasn't from Baltimore." True, he was born in Boston--but he died in Baltimore ala a Bon Scott-esque misadventure style, deliriously walking the streets in someone else's clothing. So the Baltimore NFL team moniker comes from a half-mad Gothic writer's opus of death and confusion, a reflection and omen of his own death. For that choice, the Ravens will jump to an early lead over the Toros and never look back, winning by 4 tuds--evermore...

Saints V. Bucs. In a perfect world, the Bucs would bounce back--but they are far too "youngry" to learn from their mistakes so fast--especially as they get set to take on the the titan from their division. Expect Brees to light up the Buc D and have success early. Josh will get them within 10 in the fourth, but Darren Sproles will give the baby their bottle and exclamate the victory with and 84 touchdown run. Sainst win 34-14.

Cowboys V. Patriots. Tony Romo will suck bad in Foxboro's bright, foliage spotlight. Brady will get Ocho his first 2 tuds of the year. Patriots by 20.

Poorest Sunday/Monday Night Games yet. Vikes@Bears. Phins@Jets. Looks like I'll be raking some leaves this weekend.

End of Line.

10/13 Addendum.
I don't think that Twitter has affected the NFL. At least not yet. But it might soon. Maybe it has affected Ocho, maybe he's on timeout with the Pats because of his crazy tweets in 2010. But that is a conspiracy theory. One that theorizes that Belichick got Ocho to draw double teames so that Welker can claim the recieving yards record this year. It's a fun thought.
No it ain't.

Pete Carroll tweeted this today, along with this picture:

@PeteCarroll: Hey @KingJames… (Nice!! Looks great)
If the NBA doesn't go this year, which is a good possibility, this might be coming to a theatre near you. How unpresidented of an event. In the past, we could only enjoy NFL/MLB hybrids such as Bo Jackson and Deon Sanders. The closest thing to this kind of hybrid was Charlie Ward, the only Heiman Winner to play in the NBA.

Prediction: If LeBron's cleats hit NFL terra firma, he gonna fuck shit up. Get yer popcorn ready.


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