Week 16 Blog: Life's a Brees

Drew Brees is the fucking man. On Monday night, as the Saints completely shellacked the Dirty Birds in New Orleans, Brees broke Dan Marino's 27-year-old passing yardage record in dramatic fashion. He only needed 304 yards and he was well over half way there at the half. His second half was a bit more sluggish and it almost looked as if the record would have to wait another game--but as Brees drove the team down the gridiron at the end, he hit Darren Sproles in the endzone to reach 307 yards, thus eclipsing the Mario mark by three yards. It was in classic Brees fashion, as Rich Eisen pointed out on twitter: "Like Jeter getting his 3,000th hit on a home run, @drewbrees breaks Marino's record on a TD pass. The great ones know how to do it."

Brees and the line that made the historic season possible.

I was really glad to see a class act like Drew eclipse the same record he flirted with a couple years back. Now, I'm not the world's biggest Dan Marino fan--he seems to suffer from the same pretense that a lot of quarterbacks of his era do (I'm looking at you Phil Sims, Troy Aikman, Boomer Esiason and John Elway). Maybe it's because we see these guys on various morning shows and in the booth, but they all seem to have an air of superiority to them (Boomer especially, I wish that asscastle would shove his opinions up Dan Dierdorf's fat ass where it belongs).

He didn't.

I know I'm being a tad hard on the greats of the 80's, but I was sick of their attitudes when they played and I'm sick of being exposed to their harsh critisisms of the new elites, who are a better crop, talentwise. Just look at the whole Elway/Tebow controversy that played out this year. Elway was critical not only of Tebow's unorthodox play at the QB position, but he was judging him through the prism of his own experiance. This, I feel, makes Elway an inadequate general manager--it would be like if Bruce Jenner criticized the Kardashian girls for not earning their notoriety.

That analogy was almost as horrible as this face.

With the exception of maybe Philip Rivers and Tom Brady, the modern NFL quarterback seems to be without any pretense at all. And this is a good thing. Pretentiousness in general is always a bad idea. I know that there was a place for it in the last few decades, but in today's day and age, it's a shortcut to sounding like a complete and utter douche-pipe hocking isotoner gloves.

Getting down to the brass tacks this week and heading right into the predictions:

Lions V. Packers. Packers have nothing to play for in this game, Detroit is playing for the 5 seed. Lots of reserves will be in early and often, which should give the big cats the advantage. Don't count out Matt Flynn coming in for Rodgers in the second half, especially if the Packers have the lead--that is, if the defense holds up. The Packers defense is really starting to look like this team's Achilles heel. There is no reason in hell that they should have given up 21 points to the Bears no-name offense on Christmas. On occasion, Josh McCown looked like a decent quarterback and Bell easily had over 100 yards rushing. The Bears offense is so fucked-up right now that Roy Williams is looking like a viable target. This is big problem for Packers, one I feel will be the reason they don't go back to the Super Bowl this year. Lions win, 28-21.

"Don't be hatin' "

Colts V. Jaguars. This is compelling of a couple of different levels. This game will dictate the draft order, which will be one of the biggest "to be, or not to be" moments any team has faced with their franchise quarterback. In the last two weeks, the Colts have shed their "Luck for Luck" moniker and have looked like a subpar-500 team, scratching out wins at the zero hour. I believe that the Colts will win, ending up with the #2 pick overall, thus fucking with the media's preconceived quarterback controversy going into the 2012 season. 21-10

Jets V. Dolphins. The Dolphins are a great spoiler team, The Jets are a great victim and a poser-team to boot. The Dolphins will turn the lights out on the Jets 2011 season in glorious fashion with an old fashioned ass-whoopin', 48-26. And in case you missed it, Brandon Jacobs has the same opinion of Rex that this sports blog does, enjoy!

Bears V. Vikings. The Joe Webb era is officially underway in Minnesota. He's a fan favorite and will no doubt give Christian Ponder some stiff competition when training camp commences in the summer. I hope the Viking blow the Bears out in this one--they deserve to drop this layup after their epic collapse this year. Fuck you, Lovie Smith. Vikings win, 37-0.

Don't Dream, It's Over.

Bills V. Pats. The Pats are the best team in the AFC. But like the Packers, they have to shit out a bunch of touchdowns to stay ahead of the curve. They will have their revenge on the disappointing Bills in their earlier loss, sending a message to the rest of the league that Brady/Belichick are ready to take their talents to the Northern barn in Indianapolis. Pats annihilate the Bills, 85-10.

Panthers V. Saints. After watching Drew Brees and the Saints pluck the feathers out of the Dirty Birds on his path to glory, I learned who is the best team in the league. The Saints can hang offensively with the best of them (Pats/Pack), but they showed the nation that they are not the slouches the aforementioned are on defense. They looked like a wrecking crew against Atlanta--and expect them to continue their adequate play all the way through all the round, during their bid to get back in the Bowl. A hallmark this writer feels they are more than capable of. That being said, Cam will finish his strong year by running up and down against the Saints B players, Panthers win 32-27.

49ers V. Rams. The Niners need the win to get the first round bye, the Rams need to lose to get Andrew Luck--what could be more amicable? That being said, if the Rams do get the 1st pick--I think they trade the pick away to the highest bidder (Sam Bradford is still a work in progress for that franchise). That being said, let the speculation begin to see who this unknown team will be when the Rams are on the clock. Look to be underwhelmed when the shit sorts itself out this Spring. Niners win, 102-0.

For the 1st pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Bill Walton

Ravens V. Bengals. This is a win-and-in situation for the Bengals. I feel they will rise to the occasion because the Ravens suck on the road and the Ravens just plain suck. Andy Daulton and the high flying cats will prevail over this paper raven team, 29-17. I know you've seen it already, but this one will never get old.

Chiefs V. Broncos. Compelling story line here with Kyle Orton returning to Denver à la Douglas MacArthur returning to the Philippines.

"Yer goddamn right I'm back, nigga!"

Denver wins the West with a win over the former Bronco and Romeo Crennel, the propietor of sexy lil' toes that I wanna suck. So, I guess this is the game will prove if God exists.

"Suck me, beautiful!"

Tebow needs to rebound after last week's Caleb Hanie Award-winning performance and it's time for him to have one of those games were he dominates with an early lead and maintains to win by three scores. But...but...I have a bad feeling about this one. When these Midwestern devils covered in Chief-blood hit the iron in the Rockies, you can be sure that Tim will have the playoffs in his eyes, while Kyle has revenge in his. This game is this week's featured Stay Away.

"Pussy."

Chargers V. Raiders. Both these team's can burn in the foulest smelling version of hell imaginable, maybe the devil's personal vomitorium?

"I lost my virginity there."

Cowboys V. Giants. Ah, Tony Romo--I forgot about you when I was pondering the modern player's penchant for pretension. Tony Romo's pretension is undeserved, in my opinion. He's a 7 year Dallas Cowboy QB who hasn't gotten to an NFC championship yet. This is a failure. Maybe America's team will be in the Andrew Luck bidding war that the Rams will undoubtedly hold over team's who desperately need a quarterback like a pit of crocodiles. Dallas loses again. Tony Romo, you suck stains from jockstraps.Giants win the East by beating these pathetic Cowladyboys, 37-23.

End of Line.

Week 15 Blog: Upset Sunday

Insanity, this league is. Ten games, by my count, were upsets (I include the Patriots here, even though they were favored, cuz you know, God and stuff). Packers lost and the Colts won--that alone is a headline maker--but I think the more intriguing games where the upsets that are giving a glimpse into who teams actually are.

First, Yates and the Toros lost rather-handedly to Cam Newton and the high-flying Panthers. From what I understand, the game wasn't even close. Yates looked mortal and the feared Texan defense played uncharacteristic to their smashmouth style of play. It would make sense if the Texans threw the game after winning their decision in Week 14, but these fuckers can still get a first round bye. If they would have won this game, they would be at 11 wins and tied with the Pats for best record in the AFC. Now, they are in a three-way tie with Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Real teams win the games they are supposed to to put themselves in a position to have home games. Just look how lights-out the Pats and Brady played against the Tebroncos--real playoff-bound teams know when to ratchet it up and teams that have never been there before play like the Texans did against the Panthers last Sunday...

"Cammm," said in the style of Deon Sanders

And then there is the Jets, arguably the most inconsistent team this year (even more than the Cowboys and Giants, a mantle not easily triumphed.) The amazing thing about the Jets is their durability at the Head Coach's mouth position. Rex Ryan should be humbled after what the Eagles did to his pathetic team. But instead, he runs his goddamn mouth again--this time at Tom Coughlin. Rex needs to remember the thread that his team is hanging by and realize that the Red Rifle and the Bengals are nipping at Gotham's heels. I'm so sick of Rex Ryan's tired act--sure, it was novel a couple years ago when he took the Jet job--but his act is thinner than phyllo dough on a Christmas pie. Even Michael Lombardi agrees with me. Do us a favor, you phyllo-doughboy, adhere to your own sexual proclivity and park that foot where it belongs...in your own fat head.

Bullets without bullets:

Lights out. Boy, did an analogy ever play out in the city by the Bay last Monday. Not only did the power go out at Candlestick (punerrific, in its own right) not once but twice, but the 9er defense played light out all night, keeping Big Ben and the Steelers out of the endzone all night. But the thing that irked me while watching the game was the instant paranoia that the Monday Night crew projected on the happening--you would have thought that a terrorist plot was unfolding on basic cable. I blame 9/11, the singular event that made us all paranoid fucks looking for our pacifier and a warm place to cocoon into a fetal position. The stone-age militia men who live halfway around this rock have won, ladies and germs.

BAM!

John Skelton. Quietly has the Cards on a 4 game win streak, with an outside chance of making the playoffs. It's clear now that Arizona wasted a ton of money on career backup, Kevin Kolb. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of your face--and I believe that Skelton is that answer for the birds, becoming the other miracle quarterback in the southwestern pocket of the lower 48.

The Grim Sleeper

Reggie Bush. In New Orleans, Bush was a role player, where in Miami, he's a threat. Quietly, he's rushed over the century mark in his last three games, including the massive 203 he accumulated over a sheet of snow in Buffalo. Maybe we're seeing the real Reggie in Miami. I applaud him--he's Heisman winner with a super bowl ring he deserved by playing, now I think he's working on a Hall of Fame legacy and we'll all point back to his salad days in a Dolphin uni as the beginning of said legacy. And he's doing it all without a Kardashian vacuuming his soul like the vapid suckubus she continues to be.

Bullet, dodged.

Ochocinco. Uno TD.

It's about time, done.

Brees. There seems to be a controversy brewing over the MVP award. Brees has entered a world his own in the last month and a half, were Aaron Rodgers has inhabited this world all year. To me, there is no controversy--this thing will play out like it did in 2004, when you had a consistent favorite all year (P. Manning) and a come-from-behind workhorse (McNair) sneaking into the talks at the zero hour. They solved the dilemma by giving the award to both quarterbacks. 2011 will be no different.

Eagles/Chargers. Too little, too late--the both of you go to your holes and think about what the Book has said all year--there is no such thing as stacking talent in the NFL--what do you think this is, the NBA?

Hines Ward. Is in the next Batman movie and we see him run for the most apocalyptic touchdown ever. The thing that pisses me off is the league's non-marketing rules for motion pictures--sure they have to make up a Gotham team (the Rogues), but why can't they be playing the Raiders or the Packers. Bane seems like the kinda cat that would be a Raider fan-and look for fools in the 2012 blackhole sporting the pre-apocalyptic respirator and a Carson Palmer jersey.

The Caleb Hanie Award...goes to the man himself--10/23 for 111 and 3 Ints. Word on the street is that Josh McCown will be starring against the Pack on Jesus Day. Lord help us all.

"There's no helping this blog..."

Raiders/Lions: Game of the year. This back-and-forth affair was eclipsed by my watching of the non-game that ended up taking place in Denver. I wish I would have switched over to this game at a certain point, though. I mean, the fucker came down to a 65 yard try from Janikowski (how long will the man flirt with Dempsy/Elam/Janikowski record?), a kick that was blocked by non other than the newly-reinstated DonkeyKong Suh. Oh, sweet redemption.

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!

Predictions:

Texans V. Colts. Toros playing for the first round bye, Colts playing for the first round pick. As the game kicks off in front of my eyes, it will be interesting to see if the Colts, fresh off their first in against Tennessee last week, will suck for luck. And since the first snap was fumbled and lost by Dan Orlovsky, it is clear which way this game will go as Arian Foster runs untouched into the endzone. This one should be easy for the struggling TJ Yates. Houston adds to their lead, 37-14.

Cards V. Bengals. Good game, starring two of the best young QB's in the game and two of the most explosive receivers ever. This one will come down to who has the toughest defense--the Bengals in my opinion. Plus, the Cincinnati Stripes have control of their playoff destiny--so they'll be playing in that all important pre-playoff mode. Bengals win a close one, 21-19.

Raiders V. Chiefs. I hope the Raiders are ready for a Romeo Crennel/Kyle Orton lead KC team that handled the unbeaten World Champs last week, this rivalry game against the Raiders will be their encore. I really hope the organization keep these two guys around next year, making Crennel the new HC and Orton the starter. Both these guys are likable underdogs who never get their due. The AFC West is the most confusing division ever and it will be even more confusing next year when the Chargers get a new head coach and Tebow will be the no argument starter in Denver. Chiefs win 21-19.

Giants V. Jets. The battle of Gotham has heavy playoff implications. Truth is, I kinda hate both these teams. I hate both head coaches for very different reasons (Rex because his halitosis smells of feet and Coughlin because he's old and he sucks). I know it is a hackneyed question, but is there a way they can both lose? Oh yeah, there is: 10-10 tie.

Chargers V. Lions. Lions can wrap up their first playoff appearance since we started using a 2 as the fist number of the calendar year with a win over the schizo-Chargers. The Chargers will continue down their current road of inconsistency and lose a close one, 21-19. Good luck in the playoffs, Lions--hope you play the 9ers again for the Handshake 2: Bay Area Beatdown. Let's hope it isn't scheduled for a night game--there's no telling what Jim Schwartz would do to Harbaugh with the lights out. The results could be...sexy.

Eagles V. Dallas. Andy Reid is safe now that the Eagles have shaken off the whole "Dream Team" moniker. Dallas can't seem to string two together. Eagles win the next two games and sneak away with the East, eantering the playoffs as one of those sneaky wild card teams that are dangerous. Eagles win, 21-19.

49ers V. Seahawks. Still can't believe the 9ers kept the Steelers out of the endzone. Sure, Big Ben was hurt, but it didn't make that win any less impressive. Now they head up to the Pacific Northwest on Christmas Eve to take on a resurgent Seattle team that is strangely still in the playoff picture. The Seahawks could win if the 9ers were set for the playoff, but unfortunately for the Hawks, San Francisco is still playing for a the first round bye. 9ers win, 21-19.

Bears V. Packers. Both my NBA team (Lakers) and my NFL team (Da Bears) are playing on Christmas this year, and I couldn't be less excited. The Lakers dropped both preseason games to the Clippers and the Bears are starting Josh McCown against the Packers who look to dominate their rival again for the 4th straight time in a calendar year. Can the Bears please fire Lovie after this game, this would the best Christmas present for the city of Chicago since Al Capone died. Bears lose, 52-3.

Falcons V. Saints. Drew Brees is playing out of his goddamned skull. He's on a mission to destroy the passing yards record set by Dan Marino in 1984. All he needs is 304 yards to break it--he'll do this in the first half against the Dirty Birds, who will upset the Saints in overtime, 21-19. LOL

End of Line.

Week 14 Blog: 2 Hype

Tim Tebow has become the obsession of many, either it be lovers and haters. I'm not going write about my opinion of him (I love him, personally--even though he beat my Bears in this week's come from behind miracle), many have already done so and the story is wearing thin, me thinks. But instead I want to write about how Tim Tebow isn't just helping his own team, he's helping the Packers win too.

In 2007, Boston was the American sports epicenter. After the Red Sox won their second championship in 4 years and the Celtics acquired Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, the Patriots 16-0 season was icing on the cake. But the thing about the Patriots 2007 season was that they had to face the lossless questions, week in and week out. You could tell in press conferences that Brady was getting annoyed. I'm sure Belichick named a few new wrinkles on his forehead and mouth "2007 undefeated questions." The American sporting media will eat the hearts of children if you gave them a knife and fork, so I don't think that it is unfair to blame the Patriots loss in the Super Bowl that year on those talking heads.

Smash cut to 2011, the defending world champions, the Green Bay Packers are 13-0 and nobody is losing their minds over it the way they did with the '07 Pats and to a lesser extent, the '09 Colts. Also, the Packers have a different style of dealing with the media, they seem to clown around and always say stuff like, "we're 0-0 after a win." The sports media hates this "non-opinion of themselves," and I'm sure a score of these press-guys pine for the day when they were contributing to the wrinkles in Belichick's face. The Packers play it close to the vest and never give the media anything other than their high level of play to analyze. But the media doesn't care about the Packers so much as they do about young Tebow, so the Pack's feet aren't being put to the fire like the Pats were and they should all tebow before the altar of the pigskin and thank the NFL gods for that.

A big 'what if' going around now is the potential for the Broncos/Packers Super Bowl. This is either an insane notion or I'm insane because this notion sounds insane to me, not sure which yet. But the Broncos need to get by NE first, which they will not because Belichick>Tebow--but they'll win their last two against the Balls/Chefs. They will have a home game for the Wild Card and Tebow Time will rise again as they beat the unknown team in OT. The Miracle Broncos will head up to Foxboro where once again, the equation of Belichick>Tebow will=Victory for the Pats.

"I shall have your genitals in a fruit bowl."

But here at the Book of Drewsus, we feel that such-meaningless prognostication is not only necessary but dire to human survival. So what if? What if the Broncos could beat the Pats twice this year, would you believe in God then?

"You will all believe soon."

Or would Friar Tim and the Snowy White Steeds have to go on the road again and beat the Ravens of Baltimore for you to believe. Tim "Jesus Fish"Tebow will strike fear in the Raven fanbase much like Snoop, terrorizing her streets of Charm City with a gunpowder-powered nailgun. And then what, the Packers in the Super Bowl. Sheeet! That's a big what-if!

"I know, I don't believe in the Packers either."

• James Harrison. He got a one game suspicion for that hit he put on Cunt McCoy. That's some BS. Now he's gettin' lumped together with DonkeyKong Suh, which is unfair. What Harrison did was part of the game, what Suh did was extra-curricular assholery after the whistle. I feel as if the league/media are on a witch hunt for overly-aggressive D-Men, maybe they can sew a red D on Harriosn and Suh's jersey on the games they sit out. I really don't know what this league is becoming, what with four QBs throwing for over 4,000 yards this year so far--it obvious that the fix is in. But the league will hit a brick wall with this soon--teams that rely on their clutch defenses to keep them in games will bitch up a storm during rules committee meetings in the Spring. Hopefully, this ship will right itself or expect arena league high scores where defensive players will only be required to have a pulse.

• T.J. Yates. He has strung together a couple nice outings, including throwing the game-winning tud to propel the Texans into their first post-season inclusion. Put away the anointing oil, State of Texas--this dude is just waiting to flub à la Tony Romo in the playoff game where he fumbled the snap in special teams. It.will.happen!

• Dallas Cowboys. Again, this team will epically spiral into themselves during the Christmas shopping season. I predict that they will fail miserably again and make way for the Giants (and the golden god, Eli Manning who is having a career year). Look for Jason Garrett to get the axe and the Cowboys go out and get Jeff Fisher--those lucky bastards.

• Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald. These big market players need to get out of their small markets before they both peak. Wouldn't it be great to see MJD running for the Lions or Jets--or better yet, the Patriots? I would love to see Fitzgerald in a Bear uniform, but I imagine he will be either a Cowboy or Titan when his current contract is up. These 2 are the best of the worst.

• Tom Brady. It might be safe to say that Bill O'Brien won't be the O coordinator in New England next year after this happened:All of this prima donna bullshit aside, the thing that isn't getting talked about enough is Tiquan Underwood's fly ass hair. I really hope he is ushering in a retro era in the NFL, setting the clock for 1991 when the jerry curl was exiting stage left and the Christopher "Kid"Reid high-top fade was all the rage.

He's 2 Hype.

• The Caleb Hanie Award...goes to Carson Palmer, going 24/42 for 245 YDS and 4 INTs. Carson needs to watch some film this off-season, have a full camp next year and then he will make the Raiders a strong contender...next year. This year, however, the West belongs to the team of destiny.

• 49ers. Starting to think that this team is "2-hyped" as well. They are in real danger of playing the wild card weekend if the high-flying Saints have anything to say about it. As a Bears fan, I wouldn't mind seeing the Niners that first week if Jay and Matt come back into the fold. In fact, this scenario is a preference of mine...

No Predictions this week, giving my Great Grampy's crystal ball the week off. Fuckin' Finals did me in this week--expect a full report next week. Look for an addendum to this post in the next couple of days, though.

12/17 Addendum:

TEBOW.

Even when he's off the field, he's #winning!

Week 13 Blog: Un-Farve-gettable

Shit.

It's getting harder and harder to be optimistic about the Chicago Bear's 2011 wayfarer. First, the team loses Cutler for (possibly) the remainder of the season. Then Cutler's engagement to Kristin Cavallari is back on. Then Mike Martz's tenure in Chicago is ending in the foreseeable future. An now, Matt Forte sprains his knee yesterday, out for about the same timetable as Cutler. This is what happens when I get my hopes up.

Now, the media circus is abound, speculating on the next move that Chicago should make to help their offense rebound--calling for McNabb to enter the fold...or, hold your breath...possibly bringing the Farve circus to the Windy.

Fuck.My.Life!!!

Either way, it's over for Chicago. At week 11, they looked undeniable. They looked like the team that could dethrone the Pack at Christmas. They looked like genuine contenders--hell, even Bill Simmons (a notorious Bear unbeliever) was buying into their potential to win the NFC crown. I then started to buy in myself after my season-long hypnosis that Jeff Fisher would be the next Papa Bear. And yet, this might go down as the worst season for a Bear fan in recent history.

I would have said this after the disappointment that was last season--losing the AFC championship to their biggest rival as Cutler watched on the sideline making this face:

His shitty face couldn't be reached for comment.

But last season, the Bears were more consistent and lucky--and luck is easily one of the more underrated qualities of championship teams (see: 2001 Patriots or last year's Packers). The ball was bouncing the Bears way and they had swagger that was equal on both sides of the ball without any off field bullshit fogging their collective eyes on the prize, rare for this team. Now, in spite of any scenario that plays out, the Bears are done for another year. But, for lack of anything better to think about, I will now look deep into the foggy glow of my great-grandfather's crystal ball and visage the alternate stoylines of the post-week 13 woes of your Chicago Bears.

Scenario #1 Nabbing McNabb: I think Donovan McNabb would actually have flashes of brilliance as the Bears' starter. Sure, he would fumble around with Martz's playbook (and Martz wouldn't care at this point) but I think eventually they would have to adapt to his play, much like the Broncos are forced to do with Tebow. I think if Lovie and Martz drew up some simple plays, McNabb would do okay. Also, McNabb would feel a surge playing in his home town with his favorite team--which in my mind is already better than Hanie. Sure, mistakes would be made, but it would be fun to see what he could do in a Bear uni.

Prognonisis with McNabb: 1-3 down the stretch. Out of the playoff picture after being utterly destroyed by Green Bay.

Scenario #2: Fucking Farve: This, to me, would be the same thing as if Chris Webber became a Laker or if Orel Hershiser was a Giant.

He was, dumbass.

Part of me likes this scenario the best because Farve is so unpredictable. He will either stink the joint up or he will pull wins out of his ass as he is apt to do. Martz would love this scenario too, a true gunslinger who likes to take pictures of his wang (Martz likes wangs). And who in their right mind wouldn't forgo Opening Day of the NBA for another Farve return to Lambeau, this time in their fiercest rival's uniform--the potential of this game would make Santa hurry home. All the Bears would need from Farve is to get to the postseason, where Cutler and Forte can come back and we can forget that this nightmare scenario even played out. But would Farve find a spot on the bench if this happened? Farve never goes quietly, which is why he and the Bears won't come to this agreement from the start.

Prognonisis with Farve: 3-1, including a win in Green Bay to hand the Pack their first loss.

"Suck me, beautiful!"

Scenario #3: Do Nothing: This is the most likely since Lovie said this today. Oh well, it was fun to think about anyways. A pox on Lovie's house on staying this shitty course in light of losing your best offensive weapon yesterday. Desperate times calls for equal messures, unless you are the Bears front office--a team who notoriously stays in the cheap. The only silver lining to this scenario is that Lovie will get blamed and fired (which is unlikely). But there is no way in hell Hanie gets them to the postseason. Prognonisis with Hanie: 0-4 with the hopes that the Bears at least get a decent back-up for Cutler next year. But with these fucking-frugal McCaskeys, even that is a stretch. Ugh, I need a bullet for my head.

• Toros. It must be nice to have a complete team. The Texans could have Gore Vidal under center and still figure out how to win. It's too bad that they'll go down early in the playoffs when TJ Yates will be exposed for the fraud he is--but at least they will finally go to the playoffs after unknown seasons of flirting with the possibility. This team shall have an excellent 2012, maybe even Super Bowl bound within the next two years if they play their cards right.

• Bengals. Can't seem to get up for these big divisional games. The Steelers really have their number--but this is one of the youngest, most electrifying teams in the league and after Andy "Howdy Doody" Dalton collects his ROTY honors and plays in the Pro Bowl, you can bet the Bengals will be in the playoff picture every year until he retires in 2029.

• The Drive. I caught the tail end of the Packer-Giants game yesterday and the thing that impresses me the most about Aaron Rodgers and that offense is their ability to not only score at will--but to move the ball down the field with a small window of time. Just watch Rodgers feet as he picks his receiver, they wiggle and set with his eyes until he finds hands to laser the rock into. It is absolutely amazing what this team does week-in, week-out. I just hope they can be stopped, but I'm realistic enough to know that no team will be able to.

• Raiders. Will not make the playoffs this year. But they are getting better.

• Colts. I should have taken that point spread, Indy cut it to less than half, losing to the Pats by a tud. Speaking of the Pats, quietly on a four-win streak--much like the Saints. Don't sleep on either of these teams with arguably the best two coaches in the game. That would be a kick-ass Supe Bowl.

• Jason Garrett. He and Romo are the reasons that the Cowboys will never be mentioned in the same breath as the Pack, Saints, Pats or Steelers--this QB/coach simply isn't a successful combo because they can't seem to win the games they are supposed to. The game against the Cards yesterday shouldn't have even come down to the icing Garrett put on his own kicker--they should have won that game by 17, easily. But they lost and the Cowboys will continue to suck until they get rid of one or both of these two assholes.

• The Rex Grossman Award...will not only be given to Caleb Hanie, but the award will now be renamed in his dishonor. He's a pathetic fuck.

• Tebow. The playoff bound Broncos have a few more tricks up their sleeve, me thinks. My brain says they will lose early in the post, but my heart has them upsetting the Ravens at some point. Looking forward a couple weeks, I will be heavily invested in seeing what Belichik will do against the chosen one. Isn't Tebow the greatest accidental QB since Jim Harbaugh almost took the Colts to the Super Bowl in the mid-90's? The answer is yes.

Predictions:

Houston V. Cincinnati. I am hoping that Dalton and the felines can take down TJ Yates and the mighty Toros, but I'm not so sure. I thought the Falcons (who kinda suck) would put on a clinic against the Houston third-stringer, but he looks--well, adequate. I expect it to be similar outcome this week, a tight game, but with a different result, seeing as the Bengals need to rebound after dropping 3 of the last 4 if they want to be taken seriously. Beating the ailing Toros is a step in the right direction. Bengals win 14-19.

New Orleans V. Tennessee. New Orleans is absolutely money at home. That is why they will be playing hard until week 17, to see if they can catch the 9ers, or less unlikely, the Pack for the first round bye. The Oilers are red hot of late and we can thank Mr. Johnson for blowing the divots out of his cleats. This will be a high scorer, seeing as both teams are heavier on the offensive side of things. This will be a test for the Titans--to see how serious they are for that golden goose. Titans win in an upset, 37-28.

Chicago V. Denver. Goddamn I wish the Bears would run the Tebow-style offense, at least until Cutler gets back in a couple weeks, which will be too late unless they can split the next two games. Hanie is a better runner than thrower and Marion Barber is a workhorse in the vein of Dorsey Levens.

#throwback

I don't know why Martz doesn't un-Martz himself and just play a ball control game with the Broncos, a game the Bears have great potential to win with their great defense and special team play. This is the Bears downfall, their inability to change the game plan. This is why Lovie sucks. And this is why Tebow time will rule again--Broncs win 21-14.

Oakland V. Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers is always the footnote. Even in his pinnacle, career season, he is still in the backseat behind another quarterback stealing the headlines, either it be Farve or Tebow. But this Tebow thing works to the Packers benefit--the media's fixation is 70% Tebow, 30% the perfect season. Aaron Rodgers seems like the kind of cat that shines in this darkness, and the Raiders will get destroyed. What if Super Bowl XLVI is the Packers V. Broncos? Holy shit, what a match-up. Pack win 51-27.

St. Louis V. Seattle. Yuck! Have you seen the Miami Marlins new team uniforms? It looks as if Gloria Estefan puked south beach neon on someones pajamas and called it an MLB team uni.

These guys are taking their retinal abhorrences to South Beach.

New York Football Giants V. Dallas. Round 1, ding! Cowboys are on the ropes and the Giants must-win--this will be a smash-mouth affair that will come down to quarterback play. I like Eli and the Giants to rebound out of their slump this week because the Giants shine in December where the Cowboys falter. This year, I see no difference. Giants win, 26-21.

12/9 Addendum:

In last night's Thursday Night game, Colt McCoy was on the losing end of James Harrison's crown. He was taken out and then promptly put back in, rather controversially. McCoy's dad has gone on record to state that the Browns shouldn't have put his son back on the field, citing that Colt's mental state was much worse that the Browns let on. Although I agree with Mr. McCoy's concern and I agree that he should have been taken out--the game continues to become pusified.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think the league needs to back off on penalizing all hits. The very nature of the game boils down its brutal contact and this contact defines what the game is to me. Football, like all contact sports, is there to dull the edge of adolescent males and divert the testosterone energy into a controlled environment. The good always outweighs the bad when football is introduced as a right of passage and a diversion for young males to not kill one other. That being said, hitting is essential to the game when all young men start playing it.

The message in the modern NFL is that hitting is now wrong and that all the players must unlearn what they have been taught--to destroy their opponent and make them eat mud. But I get it, Goodell wants to appeal to future NFLers by tackling the problem we see when players retire and their bodies rebel, thus creating a culture of cripples. But guess what, anyone that plays the game knows the inherent risks. This is true now and it will be true in the future.

Instead of trying to take the physical aspect out of the game (which it feels like the league is trying to do without investing in nylon belts with dayglo flags on them)--the league should invest more in health benefits for the life of the player. All NFL players should get field to the grave coverage if they have sustained an amount of hits that would be considered critical mass (the math geeks can figure out the algorithm for this). And also, let's just assume an adult that wants to play the game of football knows the inherent risks when they sign the dotted line. As long as there is there is big money in it, the league will always find the players they need. Trust me.