Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Week 16 Blog: Life's a Brees

Drew Brees is the fucking man. On Monday night, as the Saints completely shellacked the Dirty Birds in New Orleans, Brees broke Dan Marino's 27-year-old passing yardage record in dramatic fashion. He only needed 304 yards and he was well over half way there at the half. His second half was a bit more sluggish and it almost looked as if the record would have to wait another game--but as Brees drove the team down the gridiron at the end, he hit Darren Sproles in the endzone to reach 307 yards, thus eclipsing the Mario mark by three yards. It was in classic Brees fashion, as Rich Eisen pointed out on twitter: "Like Jeter getting his 3,000th hit on a home run, @drewbrees breaks Marino's record on a TD pass. The great ones know how to do it."

Brees and the line that made the historic season possible.

I was really glad to see a class act like Drew eclipse the same record he flirted with a couple years back. Now, I'm not the world's biggest Dan Marino fan--he seems to suffer from the same pretense that a lot of quarterbacks of his era do (I'm looking at you Phil Sims, Troy Aikman, Boomer Esiason and John Elway). Maybe it's because we see these guys on various morning shows and in the booth, but they all seem to have an air of superiority to them (Boomer especially, I wish that asscastle would shove his opinions up Dan Dierdorf's fat ass where it belongs).
Boomer Esiason, Football, Cincinnati Bengals
He didn't.
I know I'm being a tad hard on the greats of the 80's, but I was sick of their attitudes when they played and I'm sick of being exposed to their harsh critisisms of the new elites, who are a better crop, talentwise. Just look at the whole Elway/Tebow controversy that played out this year. Elway was critical not only of Tebow's unorthodox play at the QB position, but he was judging him through the prism of his own experiance. This, I feel, makes Elway an inadequate general manager--it would be like if Bruce Jenner criticized the Kardashian girls for not earning their notoriety.
That analogy was almost as horrible as this face.

With the exception of maybe Philip Rivers and Tom Brady, the modern NFL quarterback seems to be without any pretense at all. And this is a good thing. Pretentiousness in general is always a bad idea. I know that there was a place for it in the last few decades, but in today's day and age, it's a shortcut to sounding like a complete and utter douche-pipe hocking isotoner gloves.

Getting down to the brass tacks this week and heading right into the predictions:

Lions V. Packers. Packers have nothing to play for in this game, Detroit is playing for the 5 seed. Lots of reserves will be in early and often, which should give the big cats the advantage. Don't count out Matt Flynn coming in for Rodgers in the second half, especially if the Packers have the lead--that is, if the defense holds up. The Packers defense is really starting to look like this team's Achilles heel. There is no reason in hell that they should have given up 21 points to the Bears no-name offense on Christmas. On occasion, Josh McCown looked like a decent quarterback and Bell easily had over 100 yards rushing. The Bears offense is so fucked-up right now that Roy Williams is looking like a viable target. This is big problem for Packers, one I feel will be the reason they don't go back to the Super Bowl this year. Lions win, 28-21.
"Don't be hatin' "

Colts V. Jaguars. This is compelling of a couple of different levels. This game will dictate the draft order, which will be one of the biggest "to be, or not to be" moments any team has faced with their franchise quarterback. In the last two weeks, the Colts have shed their "Luck for Luck" moniker and have looked like a subpar-500 team, scratching out wins at the zero hour. I believe that the Colts will win, ending up with the #2 pick overall, thus fucking with the media's preconceived quarterback controversy going into the 2012 season. 21-10

Jets V. Dolphins. The Dolphins are a great spoiler team, The Jets are a great victim and a poser-team to boot. The Dolphins will turn the lights out on the Jets 2011 season in glorious fashion with an old fashioned ass-whoopin', 48-26. And in case you missed it, Brandon Jacobs has the same opinion of Rex that this sports blog does, enjoy!

Bears V. Vikings. The Joe Webb era is officially underway in Minnesota. He's a fan favorite and will no doubt give Christian Ponder some stiff competition when training camp commences in the summer. I hope the Viking blow the Bears out in this one--they deserve to drop this layup after their epic collapse this year. Fuck you, Lovie Smith. Vikings win, 37-0.
Don't Dream, It's Over.

Bills V. Pats. The Pats are the best team in the AFC. But like the Packers, they have to shit out a bunch of touchdowns to stay ahead of the curve. They will have their revenge on the disappointing Bills in their earlier loss, sending a message to the rest of the league that Brady/Belichick are ready to take their talents to the Northern barn in Indianapolis. Pats annihilate the Bills, 85-10.

Panthers V. Saints. After watching Drew Brees and the Saints pluck the feathers out of the Dirty Birds on his path to glory, I learned who is the best team in the league. The Saints can hang offensively with the best of them (Pats/Pack), but they showed the nation that they are not the slouches the aforementioned are on defense. They looked like a wrecking crew against Atlanta--and expect them to continue their adequate play all the way through all the round, during their bid to get back in the Bowl. A hallmark this writer feels they are more than capable of. That being said, Cam will finish his strong year by running up and down against the Saints B players, Panthers win 32-27.

49ers V. Rams. The Niners need the win to get the first round bye, the Rams need to lose to get Andrew Luck--what could be more amicable? That being said, if the Rams do get the 1st pick--I think they trade the pick away to the highest bidder (Sam Bradford is still a work in progress for that franchise). That being said, let the speculation begin to see who this unknown team will be when the Rams are on the clock. Look to be underwhelmed when the shit sorts itself out this Spring. Niners win, 102-0.
For the 1st pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Bill Walton

Ravens V. Bengals. This is a win-and-in situation for the Bengals. I feel they will rise to the occasion because the Ravens suck on the road and the Ravens just plain suck. Andy Daulton and the high flying cats will prevail over this paper raven team, 29-17. I know you've seen it already, but this one will never get old.

Chiefs V. Broncos. Compelling story line here with Kyle Orton returning to Denver à la Douglas MacArthur returning to the Philippines.
File:Douglas MacArthur lands Leyte1.jpg
"Yer goddamn right I'm back, nigga!"
Denver wins the West with a win over the former Bronco and Romeo Crennel, the propietor of sexy lil' toes that I wanna suck. So, I guess this is the game will prove if God exists.
"Suck me, beautiful!"
Tebow needs to rebound after last week's Caleb Hanie Award-winning performance and it's time for him to have one of those games were he dominates with an early lead and maintains to win by three scores. But...but...I have a bad feeling about this one. When these Midwestern devils covered in Chief-blood hit the iron in the Rockies, you can be sure that Tim will have the playoffs in his eyes, while Kyle has revenge in his. This game is this week's featured Stay Away.

Chargers V. Raiders. Both these team's can burn in the foulest smelling version of hell imaginable, maybe the devil's personal vomitorium?

"I lost my virginity there."

Cowboys V. Giants. Ah, Tony Romo--I forgot about you when I was pondering the modern player's penchant for pretension. Tony Romo's pretension is undeserved, in my opinion. He's a 7 year Dallas Cowboy QB who hasn't gotten to an NFC championship yet. This is a failure. Maybe America's team will be in the Andrew Luck bidding war that the Rams will undoubtedly hold over team's who desperately need a quarterback like a pit of crocodiles. Dallas loses again. Tony Romo, you suck stains from jockstraps.Giants win the East by beating these pathetic Cowladyboys, 37-23.

End of Line.

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