Monday, December 19, 2011

Week 15 Blog: Upset Sunday

Insanity, this league is. Ten games, by my count, were upsets (I include the Patriots here, even though they were favored, cuz you know, God and stuff). Packers lost and the Colts won--that alone is a headline maker--but I think the more intriguing games where the upsets that are giving a glimpse into who teams actually are.

First, Yates and the Toros lost rather-handedly to Cam Newton and the high-flying Panthers. From what I understand, the game wasn't even close. Yates looked mortal and the feared Texan defense played uncharacteristic to their smashmouth style of play. It would make sense if the Texans threw the game after winning their decision in Week 14, but these fuckers can still get a first round bye. If they would have won this game, they would be at 11 wins and tied with the Pats for best record in the AFC. Now, they are in a three-way tie with Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Real teams win the games they are supposed to to put themselves in a position to have home games. Just look how lights-out the Pats and Brady played against the Tebroncos--real playoff-bound teams know when to ratchet it up and teams that have never been there before play like the Texans did against the Panthers last Sunday...
"Cammm," said in the style of Deon Sanders
And then there is the Jets, arguably the most inconsistent team this year (even more than the Cowboys and Giants, a mantle not easily triumphed.) The amazing thing about the Jets is their durability at the Head Coach's mouth position. Rex Ryan should be humbled after what the Eagles did to his pathetic team. But instead, he runs his goddamn mouth again--this time at Tom Coughlin. Rex needs to remember the thread that his team is hanging by and realize that the Red Rifle and the Bengals are nipping at Gotham's heels. I'm so sick of Rex Ryan's tired act--sure, it was novel a couple years ago when he took the Jet job--but his act is thinner than phyllo dough on a Christmas pie. Even Michael Lombardi agrees with me. Do us a favor, you phyllo-doughboy, adhere to your own sexual proclivity and park that foot where it your own fat head.

Bullets without bullets:

Lights out. Boy, did an analogy ever play out in the city by the Bay last Monday. Not only did the power go out at Candlestick (punerrific, in its own right) not once but twice, but the 9er defense played light out all night, keeping Big Ben and the Steelers out of the endzone all night. But the thing that irked me while watching the game was the instant paranoia that the Monday Night crew projected on the happening--you would have thought that a terrorist plot was unfolding on basic cable. I blame 9/11, the singular event that made us all paranoid fucks looking for our pacifier and a warm place to cocoon into a fetal position. The stone-age militia men who live halfway around this rock have won, ladies and germs.


John Skelton. Quietly has the Cards on a 4 game win streak, with an outside chance of making the playoffs. It's clear now that Arizona wasted a ton of money on career backup, Kevin Kolb. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of your face--and I believe that Skelton is that answer for the birds, becoming the other miracle quarterback in the southwestern pocket of the lower 48.
The Grim Sleeper

Reggie Bush. In New Orleans, Bush was a role player, where in Miami, he's a threat. Quietly, he's rushed over the century mark in his last three games, including the massive 203 he accumulated over a sheet of snow in Buffalo. Maybe we're seeing the real Reggie in Miami. I applaud him--he's Heisman winner with a super bowl ring he deserved by playing, now I think he's working on a Hall of Fame legacy and we'll all point back to his salad days in a Dolphin uni as the beginning of said legacy. And he's doing it all without a Kardashian vacuuming his soul like the vapid suckubus she continues to be.
Drop and give me 20! Kim works on her tan as Reggie works on his biceps.
Bullet, dodged.

Ochocinco. Uno TD.
It's about time, done.

Brees. There seems to be a controversy brewing over the MVP award. Brees has entered a world his own in the last month and a half, were Aaron Rodgers has inhabited this world all year. To me, there is no controversy--this thing will play out like it did in 2004, when you had a consistent favorite all year (P. Manning) and a come-from-behind workhorse (McNair) sneaking into the talks at the zero hour. They solved the dilemma by giving the award to both quarterbacks. 2011 will be no different.

Eagles/Chargers. Too little, too late--the both of you go to your holes and think about what the Book has said all year--there is no such thing as stacking talent in the NFL--what do you think this is, the NBA?

Hines Ward. Is in the next Batman movie and we see him run for the most apocalyptic touchdown ever. The thing that pisses me off is the league's non-marketing rules for motion pictures--sure they have to make up a Gotham team (the Rogues), but why can't they be playing the Raiders or the Packers. Bane seems like the kinda cat that would be a Raider fan-and look for fools in the 2012 blackhole sporting the pre-apocalyptic respirator and a Carson Palmer jersey.

The Caleb Hanie Award...goes to the man himself--10/23 for 111 and 3 Ints. Word on the street is that Josh McCown will be starring against the Pack on Jesus Day. Lord help us all.

"There's no helping this blog..."

Raiders/Lions: Game of the year. This back-and-forth affair was eclipsed by my watching of the non-game that ended up taking place in Denver. I wish I would have switched over to this game at a certain point, though. I mean, the fucker came down to a 65 yard try from Janikowski (how long will the man flirt with Dempsy/Elam/Janikowski record?), a kick that was blocked by non other than the newly-reinstated DonkeyKong Suh. Oh, sweet redemption.

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!


Texans V. Colts. Toros playing for the first round bye, Colts playing for the first round pick. As the game kicks off in front of my eyes, it will be interesting to see if the Colts, fresh off their first in against Tennessee last week, will suck for luck. And since the first snap was fumbled and lost by Dan Orlovsky, it is clear which way this game will go as Arian Foster runs untouched into the endzone. This one should be easy for the struggling TJ Yates. Houston adds to their lead, 37-14.

Cards V. Bengals. Good game, starring two of the best young QB's in the game and two of the most explosive receivers ever. This one will come down to who has the toughest defense--the Bengals in my opinion. Plus, the Cincinnati Stripes have control of their playoff destiny--so they'll be playing in that all important pre-playoff mode. Bengals win a close one, 21-19.

Raiders V. Chiefs. I hope the Raiders are ready for a Romeo Crennel/Kyle Orton lead KC team that handled the unbeaten World Champs last week, this rivalry game against the Raiders will be their encore. I really hope the organization keep these two guys around next year, making Crennel the new HC and Orton the starter. Both these guys are likable underdogs who never get their due. The AFC West is the most confusing division ever and it will be even more confusing next year when the Chargers get a new head coach and Tebow will be the no argument starter in Denver. Chiefs win 21-19.

Giants V. Jets. The battle of Gotham has heavy playoff implications. Truth is, I kinda hate both these teams. I hate both head coaches for very different reasons (Rex because his halitosis smells of feet and Coughlin because he's old and he sucks). I know it is a hackneyed question, but is there a way they can both lose? Oh yeah, there is: 10-10 tie.

Chargers V. Lions. Lions can wrap up their first playoff appearance since we started using a 2 as the fist number of the calendar year with a win over the schizo-Chargers. The Chargers will continue down their current road of inconsistency and lose a close one, 21-19. Good luck in the playoffs, Lions--hope you play the 9ers again for the Handshake 2: Bay Area Beatdown. Let's hope it isn't scheduled for a night game--there's no telling what Jim Schwartz would do to Harbaugh with the lights out. The results could

Eagles V. Dallas. Andy Reid is safe now that the Eagles have shaken off the whole "Dream Team" moniker. Dallas can't seem to string two together. Eagles win the next two games and sneak away with the East, eantering the playoffs as one of those sneaky wild card teams that are dangerous. Eagles win, 21-19.

49ers V. Seahawks. Still can't believe the 9ers kept the Steelers out of the endzone. Sure, Big Ben was hurt, but it didn't make that win any less impressive. Now they head up to the Pacific Northwest on Christmas Eve to take on a resurgent Seattle team that is strangely still in the playoff picture. The Seahawks could win if the 9ers were set for the playoff, but unfortunately for the Hawks, San Francisco is still playing for a the first round bye. 9ers win, 21-19.

Bears V. Packers. Both my NBA team (Lakers) and my NFL team (Da Bears) are playing on Christmas this year, and I couldn't be less excited. The Lakers dropped both preseason games to the Clippers and the Bears are starting Josh McCown against the Packers who look to dominate their rival again for the 4th straight time in a calendar year. Can the Bears please fire Lovie after this game, this would the best Christmas present for the city of Chicago since Al Capone died. Bears lose, 52-3.

Falcons V. Saints. Drew Brees is playing out of his goddamned skull. He's on a mission to destroy the passing yards record set by Dan Marino in 1984. All he needs is 304 yards to break it--he'll do this in the first half against the Dirty Birds, who will upset the Saints in overtime, 21-19. LOL

End of Line.

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